falling for 13 || Johnny Kavanagh

Its Not Working

G R A C E

I was sitting on one of the benches outside, my books in my lap, staring down at the pages without really seeing them. The words blurred together, and all I could think about was the mess in my head. The rain had stopped hours ago, but the cold air still hung around, making everything feel damp. It matched my mood perfectly—heavy and grey.

"Hey," a voice called softly, snapping me out of my thoughts.

I looked up to see Cian walking toward me, a slight smile on his face. His blonde hair was tousled, like he'd run his hands through it a million times that day, and he had that easy confidence about him that everyone seemed to like. He sat down next to me, close but not too close, which was typical Cian—never one to push boundaries.

"Everything okay?" he asked, his voice low.

I forced a smile, closing my book and leaning back on the bench. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just... thinking about stuff."

"Stuff, huh?" He tilted his head, studying my face for a second. "Anything I should know about?"

I hesitated, my thoughts immediately going to Johnny. Of course they did. It was like I couldn't escape him, even when I was with Cian. But I shook my head, trying to push the thoughts away.

"Nah, nothing important," I lied.

Cian frowned, clearly not buying it. "Grace, you've been a little off lately. Is it about the exams? Or is it something else?"

I glanced away from him. I didn't know how to explain it, how to put into words that ever since Johnny had crashed back into my life, everything felt off-balance. Like I was stuck in some in-between space, not quite here but not there either.

"I don't know," I said finally. "It's just... I feel weird. Like, everything's changing, and I'm not sure how to deal with it."

He nodded, his expression softening as he leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees. "I get it. Second year's been different for me too. Everything feels more... serious, I guess. More complicated."

That was one way to put it.

"Yeah," I mumbled, staring down at my hands. "Complicated."

There was a long pause, and I could feel him watching me, waiting for me to say more. But the words were stuck, lodged somewhere deep in my throat, because I knew that if I started talking about Johnny, I wouldn't be able to stop.

And that wasn't fair to Cian. He didn't deserve to be dragged into whatever was going on between Johnny and me.

"So," he said after a beat, trying to shift the conversation, "I was thinking, maybe this weekend we could go to the cinema or something? Get out of this place for a bit. Just you and me."

His voice was hopeful, and I could see the way his eyes lit up at the idea, like he was trying to pull me back into the present. Back to him. And I wanted to say yes, to be the girl who went to the cinema with her boyfriend and had a normal, uncomplicated time.

But instead, I hesitated.

"Cian, I don't know..."

His smile faded slightly, replaced with a look of concern. "You don't know?"

I sighed, feeling the weight of the moment pressing down on me. I knew Cian was trying. He was always so good to me, patient and understanding. But there was this nagging feeling inside me, this doubt that kept growing every time I saw Johnny.

"It's just..." I trailed off, not knowing how to finish the sentence. How was I supposed to explain that I most likely couldn't go to the cinema, with my boyfriend, because my father would beat the shit out of me if I did.

Cian's jaw tightened, and he looked down at the ground for a second before turning back to me. "Is this about him?"

My heart skipped a beat, and I felt my stomach drop. "Him?"

"Johnny." His name felt heavy in the air, like it was carrying more weight than it should. "Grace, I'm not blind. I've seen the way you've been lately. And the way he looks at you..."

I swallowed hard, guilt creeping up my spine. "Cian, it's not—"

"You don't have to lie to me," he cut in, his voice calm but firm. "I know something's been going on with you two. I just don't understand why you won't talk to me about it."

I blinked, feeling the heat rise in my cheeks. He was right—I hadn't been fair. But how was I supposed to talk about Johnny when I didn't even understand it myself?

"It's complicated," I whispered, hating how lame it sounded.

Cian shook his head, a sad smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. "That's the thing, Grace. It doesn't have to be. I just need to know where you stand."

I looked away, my chest tightening. He was giving me a choice—him or Johnny. Simple as that. But it didn't feel simple. Not at all.

"You're with me, Grace," Cian said softly, leaning in a little closer. "But if you're thinking about someone else, if you're thinking about him... then maybe we're not as solid as I thought."

I stared at the ground, my mind spinning with a thousand different thoughts. I cared about Cian—I really did. But Johnny... Johnny was something else. Something I couldn't shake, no matter how hard I tried.

"I just need to know if you're in this with me," Cian continued, his voice quiet but steady. "Or if you're still stuck on him."

I bit my lip, my heart pounding in my chest. I didn't want to hurt him, but I couldn't ignore the truth any longer. Johnny was in my head, and no matter how much I tried to focus on Cian, it was like Johnny was always lurking in the background, pulling me away.

"I'm with you," I said finally, though my voice lacked conviction.

Cian gave me a small, sad smile, like he knew the answer before I even said it. "Yeah," he murmured, "but not really, are you?"

I didn't know what to say. All I could do was sit there, feeling the weight of my own confusion press down on me as Cian stood up slowly, shoving his hands into his pockets.

"I'm not gonna push you," he said softly, his voice steady despite the clear hurt in his eyes. "But you need to figure out what you want, Grace. Because whatever's going on between you and Johnny, isn't working with me."

And with that, he walked away, leaving me alone on the bench, the cold air settling around me as I watched him go.