falling for 13 || Johnny Kavanagh

I Still Want You

J O H N N Y

The rain was relentless, falling in heavy sheets that soaked everything in sight. The pitch was already half-flooded, the grass muddy and slick underfoot. Rugby training had ended in chaos with the lads messing around, slipping and sliding everywhere, but I wasn't in the mood for their shite today. My head was somewhere else—somewhere it had been for years now, circling around one person: Grace Lynch.

As I trudged toward the school building, I spotted her near the athletics track. She was drenched, standing in the middle of the rain like she didn't care. Her training must've just finished, and I could tell by the way she was staring out at nothing that she had a lot on her mind too. Maybe even the same things I was thinking.

I hesitated, but something in me—something that had been itching for weeks—pushed me forward. We needed to talk. No more awkward chats in the hall, no more pretending everything was fine when it wasn't.

"Grace," I called, my voice louder than it needed to be, but it was the only way to cut through the rain.

She didn't turn, just kept staring ahead, but I saw her shoulders tense. "What do you want, Johnny?"

"I want to talk."

"You always want to talk." Her voice was sharp, but it wasn't full of anger. It was something else—tiredness, maybe.

I stepped closer, letting the rain pour down on both of us. "Yeah but we haven't done any real talking. Not about the stuff that matters."

Her hair was plastered to her forehead, water dripping from her chin. "Stuff that matters? Like you and Bella?"

I groaned, throwing my head back. "Jesus, Grace, I told you—"

"You told me it didn't mean anything." Her eyes flashed with a mix of hurt and frustration. "But then you-"

"She's not my girlfriend!" I cut her off, more defensive than I wanted to be. "She never was."

"Oh, so that makes it okay? You're just with her for fun, then? Just...messing around?" She shot back. "That makes you seem like a shitty person."

"I didn't say that!" I ran a hand through my soaked hair, frustrated with myself. "Look, Bella was...a mistake. I was an eejit. We were on and off, you were with Cian when it started- I didn't know what else to do."

Grace's face twisted with anger, her fists clenching. "You beat the shit out of Cian for me, Johnny. For me. Then you turned around and said we should just be friends. Friends? After all that?"

I took a step forward, the rain hammering down between us. "Yeah, and you're the one who pulled the whole 'I think I might've loved you' thing out of nowhere. What was I meant to do with that, Grace? You had a boyfriend!"

She shook her head, her eyes narrowing. "We were barely even together at the time, you knew that!"

"Then why didn't you just tell me?" I shouted, my frustration peaking. "Why did you let me think that you were happy with him while I was standing around, waiting for some sign that you wanted me?"

Grace stepped forward, her face inches from mine, her voice low but fierce. "Because you never made it clear what you wanted. You'd kiss me one second and then pull away like it didn't mean anything."

"I didn't know how to handle it!" I shot back, my hands clenching into fists. "I didn't know what to do with you, Grace. You get under my skin, you make me lose my mind, and I...I didn't know how to handle that. I didn't want to hurt you."

She let out a bitter laugh. "Well, congratulations. You managed to hurt me anyway. First with Bella, then with your whole 'let's be friends' speech like none of it ever happened."