February 2014
Again, it has been the little things that held a massive weight to my heart. You see, I noticed everything, Milk. The most minimal things that no one could possible see and yet I did. It's crazy just thinking about it how much energy I put into all this and how little you care to hide.
It may be softer than a whisper but I can hear the quiet giggles you make during our movie nights, the simple act looking around at coffee shops like you're looking for someone, the lame jokes you make and laugh out at random moments, the unnecessary complains at a scent you smell in my car, the way your lips would twitch into a smile at someone's presence. It was moving all too fast and way too slow at the same time and my heart feels heavier at every second that passes by. So heavy I can no longer do something about it.
"Why does your car smell like this?"
"What do you mean? It doesn't smell like anything."
"Yes it does. It smells like Love."
I stare as you scrunch up your nose like it annoys you and yet you can easily recognize her scent now.
"Isn't Love joining us?"
I look up away from my notes to look at you in the eyes. You look around, even scanning the parking lot for a hint of her.
"She's busy. Do you miss her??"
If it wasn't for teasing tone, it felt like exposing my heart into your eyes. The smirk I forced into my lips as I grip into my pen as I wait for your response.
"No way, I thought she's going to bother us again."
You smiled and winked at me as you started to focus in your book. It shouldn't have hurt like that if it wasn't for the way your eyes showed disappointment and how your lips easily turned down to frown as you look down. The burn in my tongue as I drink my hot coffee came nothing close at the sight of you unconsciously fall for someone else.
It was stupid, I wish I could just unsee things. I wish I was naive as you are, I wish I never paid attention. I wish I didn't care. I wish I didn't love you. I wished a lot of things and it would be a lie to tell you that I never wished that I didn't love you because that would have been easier. It would've been easier to tease you two, how my body would smoothly push you towards her, to be able to look and see and not to feel anything wrong. No pain, no jealousy, no betrayal and no lies when I tell you that you look good together. That it won't hurt when I speak the words,
"I told you so." after you talk about how nice she was.
But that is not the case. So when we spent celebrating the first night of our Semester break watching "The Fault in our Stars", and as I hear you giggle with your phone on your face as Hazel Grace almost die gasping for air in bed, I knew you were not with me then it does hurt. So when Augustus Waters said "The world is not a wish-granting factory" I couldn't suppress the sob to escape my lips.
"Ciize? Are you crying?"
It was funny how fast you put your phone down to attend into my needs. The concern in your eyes was endearing but the smile on your face was partly annoying.
"Why are you crying? We watched this 3 times already and you never cried."
You laugh, it was amusing for you to see me cry because you knew nothing and how I wanted to be in your shoes.
