February 2015
It has been hours now since I lock myself in my room with you placed on my lap. A few hours spent hovering this pen above you not knowing what to say or specifically where to begin. I actually believed that I was doing fine when I had actual ears to listen and a mouth that responds. She did well, Film, she really tries her best not to judge my actions. Not to get offended by her hateful glances at her. She was a good friend while it lasted, while I was still capable of breathing without breaking. Not today though, not tonight. Not when you watch her with glassy eyes and her lips mumbled a quiet 'yes' while she asked her to be her girlfriend right in front of you.
It only took her seven months. Seven months to call her, hers, less than two years of knowing each other, and yet she has now earned her heart. Wearing it in pride beside her as she hold her hand between her own, plays at her fingers like I used to, fixes her hair, making her laugh and all those other things that matters. SEVEN MONTHS.
I did that for years and yet the closest I had her was having her on my finger tips. The light grazes of skin that we shared that warmed my heart and allows me to look forward for more soul burning encounters of loving her has now put on pause.
Those seven months were nothing compared to all the seven's we shared though. The way we finished seven Harry Potter books we read throughout summer, those lazy nights that were filled with silence as we are both engrossed on the rough sheet of paper on my bed. Or the seven songs on a playlist you made. You wanted to fill it with all your favorites but you never go back to them, so here I am, stuck with seven songs played on repeat every night after you said yes. Remember the seven times you jumped at the beach because you were to giddy of having salty water beneath you? The way your sun dressed danced with the wind probably made my heart stop beating for seven seconds. How about the seven times you said 'please' as you beg me to buy the biggest teddy bear at the store because you said it would help you sleep better at night? You slept at my room cuddled into my arms for the succeeding days after that, I think you just wanted me to spoil you, Milk.
How do you do it? How do you look at me with those eyes not expecting me to fall in love with you? How are you able to stop my world just by pouting your lips every time you want something from me? You take my breath away every time you push your head back with too much laughter, waiting to be released from your heart. Oh well, here we go again, with all this cheesy lines that would sweep other people away from their feet, but to you it doesn't matter anyway. Not anymore. I guess, I mean, it never will.
—-
"Hey, next class?"
"Hey Film. Yes, how about you?"
I watch her catch up to my pace and walk beside me holding the strap of her backpack on her thumb. She looks at you like she's worried.
"Ciize, you slept well tonight?"
"Yes."
I look away and tries to focus on the steps I make. I'm actually considering of running away from her before this gets all serious, but I feel her palm around my arm and pulling me into a stop. Too late.
"Ciize, we haven't talked since-.."
"We have different classes now, and I'm busy."
"It's February. Stop making excuses, we've been talking weeks before no matter how busy we were. You just can't spend months with me telling me everything like I'm your little diary and stop out of nowhere."
