Make You Feel My Love

Run Away Baby

Jeongin POV

I was standing at the stove, making scrambled eggs for breakfast when Chan came up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist like second nature. I smiled, allowing my body to sink into the feel of his warmth pressed against me. 

"Good Morning, Baby." He cooed, swaying us a bit, his nose pressing into the back of my neck. "You're cooking again." He noted, peering over my shoulder.

"I was hungry." I explained. That alone was news. Aside from our pizza date or any event that required eating, I just hadn't been hungry- a rare thing for me. "Thought you would be too." I offered, swirling the mostly cooked eggs in the pan with a wooden spoon. He was right, I had started cooking again, slowly- a task that I'd let fall to the wayside or a while when I'd been lost in my own negative thoughts. I was working on that, even set up an appointment with a counselor through Seungmin's therapist. 

Nobody but Seungmin knew about it.

"Mmm." You know me well." He considered, planting a kiss on my shoulder before retreating. "What can I help with? Juice...bread?" He asked and I smiled. He didn't wait for instruction before starting to slice the bread, shooting me sweet glances.

He was always helpful- and had made sure to put in extra effort in his communication lately. "Juice, for sure, and if you'll pour me a coffee?" I asked, smiling lightly. Since the night he'd proposed- the night I'd told him what had happened- or maybe happened, I still wasn't sure... He'd been so present. 

Trying. Helpful. Like he was making amends.

His work hours were still long, but he took breaks, set hours when it was reasonable and had started letting me know if he'd be working later than planned. It was all I'd really wanted- a semblance of communication- equality. Like a relationship that I could be an adult in.

I finished the eggs, plating them with ham and some sauteed green beans as he worked, humming happily as he poured his pineapple juice and my coffee- three sugars and cream.

I turned, offering him the plates, which he placed on the small kitchen table and sat at. He waited until I was seated and asked "Anything else you wanted, Kit?"

I realized I'd forgotten the bread and when my eyes saw it, I chastised myself internally, my shoulders slumping a bit. "The bread?" I asked.

"Of course." He nodded and grabbed it, placing it between us. He sat, letting me take the first bite before he began eating. He smiled when I did- always so considerate of me. "What are your plans today?" he asked.

"Oh- I'm going with Lix and Ji and Minnie to the mall."

He nodded, mouth full as he smiled around his food. "Favorite store?" he mumbled, wiggling his eyebrows.

"Of course." I flirted back. I watched him smile as he chewed, sipping my coffee. It was perfect- the way he made it always better than if I did it myself. "Any requests?"

He looked at me across the table and smirked as he sipped his drink. "You know what I like." He offered.

"Mmm." I nodded back, toasting his words with my mug of coffee. "That I do." He smiled, his foot nudging mine under the table. So far, he'd been into anything I'd brought up- from bondage to ice and roleplay. I remembered his words from the night before, mentally adding voyeurism or open relationship into the maybe category and then my mind switched to the way he'd pinned me against the wall in an alley and knelt before me. I added exhibitionist into his kink column- a twin of my own particular favorite. I smirked, remembering, and fought off the blush creeping over my neck.

"What's your day look like?" I asked, taking a bite of warm fluffy egg.

"Boxing with Min and Bin. Then lunch." He explained "Meeting up with Ji later to record for a bit." He thought about it. "But should done by 10." He made sure to clarify, a glimmer of worry in his eyes.

That made me feel bad. 

"You know- I don't ask you because I'm trying to control your life- it was just a question." I replied. I worried I was being too needy. That my desire to have him communicate was making him fearful that I'd leave or that I was being unreasonable. Sometimes my brain moved too quickly to conclusions- deciding worst case scenarios easier than other, happier alternatives.

"No!" he hastily said. He sighed. "Listen, Kit." After what happened the last time I was an idiot and failed to see your needs...I just don't want to... fuck up."

"You can't keep blaming yourself." I shook my head. I hated that he kept bringing up that night- it made my skin crawl and my stomach lurch. I didn't know what exactly had happened, but Chan had leapt to take the burden, claiming if he'd just taken a break from work, it would have never happened... Whatever it was. I was doing just fucking fine not thinking about it, filling my life with other activities, like endless hours of sex with my fiancé- so my brain wouldn't go there. Every single time I had a nightmare and remembered even a sliver more of that night, or I saw his arrogant face loom before my eyes I felt sick- dirty. Disgusting.

The idea that I'd cheated on Chan was still there- guilt for daring to be rash and stubborn. Whatever happened was my fault- I'd put myself in that situation. I shouldn't be so damn needy. I didn't want to allow myself to need other people. I'd been the baby too long- everybody always coddled me and I wanted to prove I didn't need them. I felt like I had to become self-sufficient, or nobody would want me. 

Chan would eventually get tired of taking care of me like a pet. "If he'd just stop caring so much..." I thought angrily. I knew that didn't make sense. The whole problem had been I was worried he didn't care enough and now my brain thought it was too much? What the fuck was wrong with me? My mind was so messy- conflicting thoughts and wants swimming together, battling against each other like trying to swim against a current. I knew if I didn't figure it out soon, I would lose and drown in a pit of emotions. 

And I couldn't have that.

"I don't like talking about it." I mumbled, staring down at my food- my appetite fading quickly. I pushed the food around my plate, swallowing the bile that rose in my throat. My eyes started to swim and I stood abruptly, knocking into the table, nearly spilling Chan's juice.

"Jeongin?" Chan asked, a worried look in his eyes. He had no idea what was going on inside my head, and for some stupid, arrogant reason, I didn't want him to.

"I- I'm going to go for a run." I announced and turned, not wanting him to see the tears forming in my eyes.

"Babe- finish your food!" he called as I retreated from the kitchen, scooping up a pair of sneakers by the door- escaping. "Kit! Come back- what did I do?" He pleaded, his voice breaking, getting closer as he came after me.

My heart was pounding, louder than the slam of the door behind me. I didn't look back to see if he was there, if he cared at all. I knew he did and I knew I was being foolish and rash and he'd be worried, but my mind only had one goal at that moment.

Get away.

I dragged the shoes on roughly and looked forward, down the still quiet street, swiping my tear-streaked face with the back of my hand as I put one foot forward with shaky breaths

and ran.