shibby - an endless loop of toxic love

hopeless

authors note - hello lovelies i've decided that the next couple of chapters will be more the most horrible, but wretching chapters ever as i've been going through a bit of a rough patch recently and i have the best ideas in depression smh. don't worry we will be going back to our little fluff fest soon but for now we will just sit back and watch. if your thinking the start of this chapter is nice and warm, it's only getting worse from here.

as the days have been flying by, things with vivian have been evolving. i've been spending almost every day at hers while jamie is at nursery, and we've been getting very close with each other since she and i have been given a weeks leave off work because of my overdose. vivian has been classed as my carer until i'm back up on my feet again.

i'm sitting across from her on her sofa as she watches the tv in front of her. she notices me looking at her and smiles my way, before looking at the clock.

"alright then shibs it's almost 6 so let's get in the car so i can drive you back to yours and pick up jamie" she kisses me on the forehead and starts to lift herself up.

i grab her wrist and pull her back to sitting next to me.

"how about i come with you to pick up jamie"

she raises one eyebrow.

"seriously?"

"i mean yes i'd love to be properly introduced to him, he seems like a lovely boy. only if you would like me too obviously, if not i understand, i suppose we're not really a couple so it would be normal for you not to be ready..." i say, looking down on the floor.

"siobhan" she lifts my chin up "i would love for you to meet jamie, but your right, we're not a couple. although i have to admit i would love for us to be official" she grins.

"would you really?"

"yes, i want to be with you all of the time, your one of the best things that has happened to me, and i would really love for you to be my girlfriend."

my eyes start tear up at her confession.

"i would really love to be your girlfriend too viv."

and with that, she pulls me in for a kiss and pulls away looking the happiest i've ever seen her.

"okay let's get in the car to pick up jamie then"

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the journey felt like forever. i was really nervous about meeting jamie probably, i've obviously seen him in nursery but we've never really spoken. i'm scared he wouldn't approve of me with his mum.

easing my thoughts, vivian places her hand on my leg as she parks up at the nursery.

i smile at her and watch her eyes shimmer from the sunlight.

as i look around the car park, i notice a familiar face at the door. glaring at me with poisonous eyes. my heart stops and the colour leaves my face.

"hey gorgeous you okay?" vivian speaks, noticing my visible change in demeanour.

i pay no attention to her as i can feel his eyes burning onto me. after a few more seconds of staring at him coldy, i notice the bouquet of tulips in his hand, tulips have always been my favourite flower as they always seemed so peaceful and different from any other flower. i realise he is also tightly grasping onto a small jewellery box, too big to be a ring, but to small to be anything else.

"siobhan?" vivian tries again. this time i look in her direction, breaking the stare between me and roger.

"oh yes sorry about that, maybe i should stay in the car while you get jamie?" i mutter. i can tell she senses how uncomfortable i am as she unbuckles her seatbelt and shifts her body to face me with a concerned look on her face.

"what is going on with you" she says.

"nothing is going on with me!" i snap completely. "i just want to stay in the fucking car vivian, is taht so difficult to understand?" i yell.

i immediately regret what i've said as i see the hurt spread across her face, her eyes begin to look more glassy and she turns back to face the wheel.

"viv i'm so sorry i didn't mean any of tha-" i start but she cuts me off.

"i think it would be better if you left" her voice cracks as she speaks. "i'll see you tomorrow siobhan."

i open the car door and step out, i don't have the energy to argue with her and honestly it won't help either way. i walk away from the car and start to cry, i don't really know where i'm walking because my eyes are so heavy and my vision is blurred. but it deosnt take me long to acknowledge the man behind me. i wipe my eyes and turn to face him, he notices i'm crying.

"oh princess look at you" he says in an affectionate tone. "it's okay i'm not going to hurt you"

i can't help but throw my arms around him and sob hopelessly.

"it's okay baby, this is why you shouldn't leave me siobhan, and for a woman? tut tut tut, havent you been taught better? let's get you home and cleaned up" he says, holding me closes and directing me to his car.

i walk over helplessly to his car and take a seat, still crying uncontrollably, i know what is happening but i don't have the energy to stop it. all i can do now is just watch the cycle begin once again, anything to not cause a scene again.

he closes his car door and hands me the flowers.

"for you and our baby"