shibby - an endless loop of toxic love

princess stuck in a tower

authors note- sorry guys but nice sivian moment is over! don't worry it will be returning but for this one we've gotta stand a bit of roger unfortunately, either way tw for this one is abuse, violence

setting - siobhan is just on her way home after her encounter with the nurse.

as i drive my car back home, i can't  help but think about that mum. there was something about her that made me unable to keep my eyes off her, surely that was normal. it's not like it means anything anyway.

i park my car up in the driveway, praying that he won't be angry today. i'm on time. cautiously, i open the door and let myself inside.

"hello princess"

i turn around and he's on the stairs, where he always waits for me. he seems to be in a good mood.

"what's got you so exited" i laugh as i put my bag on the side, maybe today will be a better day after all.
"i've come to a decision" he says as he walks towards me and grabs me by my waist, something he hasn't done in months. this feels nice. this feels loving.
"oh really and what would that be?" i reply with a grin on my face.
"we're going to get married" he whispers in my ear, griping my waist tighter. my heart stops.

i take a step back and pull myself away from him.
"what do you mean we're going to get married?" i ask with my smile fading. he looks at me and chuckles.
"i mean we're going to get married. i've never had the chance to properly settle down with a woman you know? like make a life, get married, have children" he smirks
"c-children?" i stutter "you want children?"
"of course i do, the first two weren't very successful"
my heart drops, and my hands start to shake, roger must have noticed i was stressed because he grabs my hand and gives me a reassuring smile.

——————————————————————————

as we get into bed, my mind races all over the place. i can't settle with roger, especially not have children, god how would that end? how would i stay up with them every night explaining that we need to stay calm because daddy is angry? how do i look into their eyes and tell them that mummy's bruises are just because she's clumsy?. and most of all what if he hurts them? or hurts me in front of them? i can't do this. it also means i'll have to stay, this will be the last thing that will give roger all power, making sure i can never escape his tight grasp.

my thoughts come to an end as roger sits up from the bed. i can feel his breath on my neck and it makes me shiver. he lies back down, closer to me and wraps his arm around my waist. i slowly shift away from his grip and he sits back up and turns the lamp on so i can see the expression on his face.
oh fuck.
"resistant? can't be doing that now we have all this fun stuff to come. i'm doing this all for you and what do you do for me huh?" he raises his tone "your probably thinking about all the other guys that your whoring around with aren't you?" i can sense the anger in his voice and i can tell that nothing i say will manage to ease it.
"roger that's not true you know it's not!"
"oh really?"
"not at all! i just- i just don't know if i'm ready for all of this"
"you fucking ungrateful bitch i knew you were going to react like this". he drags me by my hair and shoved me against onto the middle of the bed, he's now on top of me and holding my wrists to the corner of the mattress.
"i'll do whatever the fuck i want with you and it's not you choice. do you understand me?" he says. i whimper at the pain of his hands clawing onto my wrists to keep them in place.
"DO YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND ME SIOBHAN?" he yells in my face and slaps me so hard i feel my ears ringing and the burning sensation spreads through my face like a wildfire. i quickly nod, trying to look away and not let him see the tears building in my eyes.
"good." he expresses calmly, letting go of my wrists and turning us both around onto the bed and switching the light switch off.
"you know your stuck with me princess"
"i know", my own words scare me, i really have fallen into the deep end, and this time i don't think i'll make it out. i really am stuck here forever.

i think about the nurse. she eases my thoughts, her smile and her short black hair swaying as she moves, that stripy top that she always wears. i can't help but wonder what she looks like with it off, my heart races as i realise what i've just imagined. a woman topless? i've never even thought to imagine things like that, no. no. no. just no, there's absolutely no reason why i should feel the need to imagine a woman with no clothes on.

i close my eyes, hoping i can just fall asleep. but all i see is that nurse in my head. what the fuck is going on with me. i don't like women, i've never liked a woman. so why does this one have such a big affect on me? i just can't help but think what it would be like to feel her touch... no siobhan, don't let your thoughts get the best of you. i keep my eyes closed, knowing that nobody will ever find out what me and her have, because i'm still stuck here, still stuck with roger and soon enough there will not be a single chance of escape.