When I say I went from having nothing, I mean literally nothing. So when I now all of a sudden have a whole ass, king sized bed in my own fucking room, I was not just happy.
I was fucking ecstatic.
I had things that I didn't even think were possible. I had my own bathroom, god sakes. I mean, the water was soft and warm.
Warm water.
And, get this, I even had a fluffy towel, that was also surprisingly warm, to dry myself with. I feel like I was being spoiled. I still had to force myself to believe that I deserved such things.
[S-20 is not a real human being and, therefore, does not deserve basic necessities. After S-20 got into possession of Hydra, it was trained and conditioned to follow the cause (i.e. beatings and torture). After distinct analysis of genes, S-20 was found to have a prime mutation for experimentation. S-20 was forcibly bitten by a radioactive spider which, after multiple days of severe illness, produced positive results. Training and conditioning became more frequent as powers grew. Bathing days were every four days, using a hose with rough, cold water. Cold is good for submissiveness because S-20 cannot thermoregulate. Food was initially only provided as a course of two meals every other day. As metabolism increased due to experimentation, food was now provided everyday that was specially designed to fit caloric needs.]
An awkward pain in my stomach erupted and crawled its way up my throat, causing an uncomfortable pressure to build up in my chest. Years of conditioning beaten into me vocalized in my head, forcing me to panic and quicken my breathing. I don't deserve such things. I am nothing. I am a nobody.
More than just that I knew and believed this fact, I was terrified of others knowing the fact too, that I was not a real person. Mr. Stark, as kind as he is, knows nothing of my past and history. I am terrified that if he finds out about what kind of disgusting monstrous animal I am, he too will see and believe that I'm not a human.
That I don't deserve good things.
That I don't deserve anything.
That I'm not anything.
That all I am is just an it.
That scared me more than anything in the world. I know I'm being spoiled right now and I'm being extremely selfish, but was it so bad that I just wanted things? I go on missions and see stupid, bratty kids being so god damn annoying, but somehow their parents don't seem to mind. They get them the chocolate that the kid was crying for. If I even shed a single tear in the middle of a punishment, I'd be getting double the amount of pain I was originally ordered to receive.
I really like Mr. Stark, he's been so extremely good to me that I'm scared that if I tell him the truth, he'd be so disgusted and give me back.
How can I go back now that I know there is this much more?
Hydra has always told me that the outside world is a terrified, horrible place. Hydra also gave me gray food, hosed me, beated me, tortured me, forced me to kill. But I believed them because I didn't know anything else. What I was going through had to be okay. It had to be normal.
It had to be.
But now that I know, how can I go back?
I remember my friend. I remember all that he tried to show me. The stories and the tales that he had to say. I used to think that he was making it all up, but I was hooked onto every word he said nonetheless. We started telling stories together and he used to help me make up stories of my own. He was the first person to show me that I was more than just the pile of dirt Hydra told me I was. That there was more than just the cell, torture room, and hallway.
YOU ARE READING
Not Anymore
FanfictionS-20 has only ever known one thing, Hydra, until one man came into his life and showed him that there was so much more. That man was his first friend. His older brother. But after one night, the two were ripped apart and S-20 cannot even remember hi...
