Not Anymore

Chapter 14: Guilt Is A Dirty Mistress [James POV]

Despite all of the monstrous things that I have done while under Hydra's control, I have never really thought of myself as a monster. I've always told myself that none of it truly was my fault. What can I do when they torture me for decades and say the words that make me their mindless killing machine?

Yet that thought process doesn't really work right now.

Because I have never felt so much like a monster.

Days turned into weeks and time just seemed to overlap over each other and I only seem to be hurting my Little Spider more and more turning the training sessions. Every time, when I return the cell and gain control over myself, my memories are broken and fuzzy, but all I see is a bleeding and bruised and beaten to hell and back child trembling and whimpering on the other side of the concrete room. Memories slowly come back and then I realize that the kid there is my kid.

And I did that.

What kind of monster am I?

I know I don't have any control while I'm the Winter Soldier. They say the words, and my mind goes blank. The grate slides shut and I'm suddenly a prisoner in my own body. They tell me to beat the Little Spider and I do. They tell me to break his bones and I do.

When have I ever said that I wanted any of this!

Today I was sitting on the other side of the cell, away from the little boy, as my memories slowly started coming back to me. Bits and pieces were slowly floating around, but I had nothing really solid to connect it to. My past memories are the hardest for me to get back after the words are used on me. The most recent memories come first, so I remember the boy. I remember a little child I told stories to and held close to me at night.

I remember that that kid is the same one that's sitting away from me in the cell, curled up on the floor in a corner, with red lines racing across its back. I couldn't tell if I was the one that did that or one of the supervisors. Still, it's my fault because I let it happen.

I'm a monster.

This boy couldn't be more than just ten or eleven years old at this point and he doesn't remember anything else outside of Hydra. How could such a small child live with so much pain?

I can see the places where his bone has broken. I see the bruises and cuts over his skin. I see his pale and clammy skin as he fights his malnutrition to work towards healing his body and fighting any potential infection.

I deserve everything Hydra has done to me.

Entire body sore, I'm sure the kid was just on the floor so he could absorb any coldness from the gray concrete. We aren't given anything to help with the pain, so you have to accept any form of comfort you can.

I slowly placed my trembling hands on the ground and picked myself up. Enough with your pity party, I scolded myself. This child is scared and in pain. Suck it up and help him out.

The Little Spider's eyes were closed so I moved quietly but slowly so that I wouldn't wake and startle him. Finally getting closer to him, I knelt down to the ground so I could crouch over his small and shivering body. My hands still shaking, I took my flesh hand and gently tried to wake him up, allowing my fingertips to barely brush over his forearm.

The child's eyes shot awake, revealing a red and bloodshot mess, as he quickly flinched and jerked away from me. I recoiled my hands and held them up and away from him. My heart plummeted.

Of course, you idiot, this kid doesn't like you anymore. How long can he just be taking a beating from you, even though you claim it's not your fault, and still like you.

"I-I'm sorry, I'll go back," I whispered, my voice low and gruff, but still full of hurt.

"J-James? Is that you?" a small, quiet voice piped up. Large, brown doe eyes came to stare into mine. It was filled with worry and pain and a tinge of fear, but also a little bit of hope.

"Yeah buddy. It's me again."

Suddenly, he sprung up and wrapped his arms around me into a big hug as he started to cry.

"Oh James, I've been so alone! Why do you keep on leaving me! They say the words and we do training and we come back here and it feels like you're pulling away from me, why!? I love you, James. I love you so much dad! But after we're back in the cell you won't even talk to me!"

My heart swelled at the word.

Dad.

I love you so much dad.

"I was too scared to come to you because if you were still the Winter Soldier then you would hurt me. But I know you would never hurt me dad. I love you."

I felt a little crystal ball inside my chest shatter and my eyes welled up with tears and emotion for the first time since I've been captured by Hydra and their lessons became ingrained inside of me. Decades in this place desensitized me to anything horrible.

This little boy was starting to heal that.

"Oh, I'm so sorry baby," I whisper, shuffling my feet so I'm up close to him as I bring his fragile and trembling body in for a hug. I draw the boy onto my lap and I cradle him like a little child, running my hand through his hair and kissing his forehead. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

A thousand apologies later, the Little Spider finally fell asleep in my arms. I carried him over to his bed and, hesitantly, I decided to snuggle right next to him as well. Taking my own blanket to provide us both with extra warmth, I hugged him tightly in the night, hoping to never have to let him go and face the horrors of the world.

He already has, my mind screamed at me. Those horrors were you.

But the Little Spider was the sweetest, kindest child I've ever met. So caring and loving even though he never had anyone to show him those same things. In a world of hatred and pain, he emerged like a light. Warmth spread along my body just looking at the little boy I learned to love like my own child.

I look past the scars and injuries that litter his skin. He still loves me.

Maybe not the Winter Soldier, but it's not a thing that deserves love anyway. No, he loves James.

James was real.

James is real.

And this Little Spider is slowly bringing him back.