Irish Promises

Bonus Chater Two - Part Three ❤️

Stasia

10 months later...

"Hey beautiful, you ready?" Finn asks coming into my bedroom holding the little case with my fertility treatment and needles inside.

I look at it in his hand and where I usually put on a brave face and muster the strength to smile and nod it just doesn't happen.

Instead I just burst into tears unable to hold it in any longer. I bury my head in my hands and just sit on my bed crying.

The bed dips next to me and then I'm wrapped up in Finn's embrace.

Trying for a baby is meant to be exciting but it's just soul crushing. When the tablets didn't work we moved to injections but nothing has changed.

Every test has been negative and I'm starting to think that it'll always be that way.

Sex isn't even fun anymore it just feels like a chore like a means to an end. All the passion disappears when it's scheduled in and all you can think about is whether or not this'll be the time it works.

None of this is what I envisioned when we started trying and the fact I still don't know if it'll even happen makes me feel like none of it is even worth it.

I'm starting to hate everything about it and that just makes me hate myself.

This isn't how any of this is meant to be. 

Finn attempts to comfort me, telling me everything will be okay just like he always does but it doesn't bring me much comfort at all. They just feel like words now, I no longer feel like anything is going to be okay anymore. 

"We don't have to it today" he says softly and that instantly gets my back up. 

"No" I snap and swipe away my tears.

Standing I lift my top and face him.

"We do, we do have to" I then say.

Taking a deep breath I prepare myself to feel like a pin cushion yet again even though I know it's likely going to do absolutely nothing. 

I can see Finn's reluctance as he regards me, a sadness in his eyes that's slowly crept into all of theirs recently. It's like every time they look at me the realisation that I can't give them what they want sinks in just a little more.   

Every morning when I wake up I wonder if today will be the day that they final say enough is enough and realise that they're better off with someone else. Someone that can give them what they really want. 

After I've had my injection Finn quickly retreats and by the time I've mustered up the energy to go downstairs I find them all sat around the table waiting for me expectantly. 

I hate it when I enter a room and they all go silent because I know they're discussing me. It's always the same. They have these discussions and I'm the one that comes off worse from it just like how I know I'm going to today. 

"What's going on?" I ask standing in the door way. 

"Come sit down" Finn says holding his hand out for me to take but I'm already shaking my head.

"No" I snap and then glare at them all. "Just tell me whatever it is, just spit it out and get it over and done with" 

They're all silent for a moment but finally Hugh sighs seeming to accept defeat.

"We think it would be a good idea to take a pause on the fertility treatments" He says and my stomach drops straight away. 

I knew this was coming, this is the day when they finally say enough is enough and that they don't want to do any of this anymore. That they don't want me anymore. 

"You don't want a baby anymore" I say, my lips trembling as I speak and I know that I'm not going to be able to hold myself together if the answer is no.

"Stas that's not what we mean" Finn says standing. 

He comes towards me and effortlessly guides me to a seat. I don't even have it in me to fight against him now Hugh's just said that. 

"It's the only possible way I could ever give you a baby and you want to stop so that means you don't want one" I croak, tears already springing to my eyes. 

"I can't believe you would discuss what I do with my body without me even being here" I whimper, feeling completely betrayed by them all.

"We just think it'll be a good idea to take a break, 6 months tops" Blake says as he reaches over to take my hand but I rip it away from him.

"6 months!" I snap. 

It's already been a year and a half. I can't wait another 6 months before we try again, what if it still takes another year after then. 

What if it never happens. 

Hot tears stream down my cheeks as I look round at them all. The feeling that everything is being torn apart completely consuming me. 

"We can take some time to travel and shit, go on some holidays" Finn offers. 

"Give your body a break, give you a break" Cian then adds in.

Clearly they've all discussed this in great detail, thought about exactly what to say to me to convince me that this is the right choice. 

"Or maybe we should just stop trying altogether" I snap as I stand, shoving my seat back. I don't really mean it at all, the words just fly out but Hugh's response completely knocks me.

"Maybe you're right" he grumbles and silence falls on us all as his words sink in.