Realization
As I sat by the window, watching the rain streak down I can't help but to remember all of the things happened to me for the past years.
For years, I grappled with a whirlwind of emotions . Disbelief, anger, and an overwhelming sadness that seemed to consume me.
How could love, which once felt like the safest place in the world, turn into such a painful void?
I replayed our memories like a broken record, searching for answers that seemed to slip through my fingers like water.
Lahat ba ng nangyari ay dahil lang sa kontratang nabuo sa pagitan namin?
All of those kisses and kindness was just for a contract?
Did he really used me?
Ngunit sa gitna ng sakit at galit, unti-unti kong napagtanto na ang lahat na nangyari sa buhay ko ay nagtuturo ng mga aral saakin na hindi ko inaasahan.
It forced me to confront my own insecurities and vulnerabilities, pushing me to rediscover my own sense of self-worth and resilience.
I realized that loving someone deeply also meant accepting the risk of being hurt. It didn't diminish the beauty of what we had shared or the lessons it had taught me. It taught me about the fragility of love and the strength that comes from embracing vulnerability.
The pain didn't disappear overnight, but it softened, I understood that healing wasn't about forgetting the past but about finding peace within myself and accepting that some things are beyond my control.
And as I looked out at the rain, I knew that I was not defined by my pain but by the courage and growth that had come from it. I had learned to cherish the memories we had made, to honor the love I had for him, and to believe in the possibility of new beginnings, even after the storm.
Siguro nga ay ayos na ako. Siguro ay kaya ko na silang harapin. My heart will no longer beat for him for sure.
"Do you have something to wear na ba?"
The conyo guy was in the house.
"Hindi na, The tuxedo for me will do"
"Bakit parang wala ka sa mood?"
Tanong ko, medyo hindi kasi maipinta ang mukha niya.
"Dad want me to run next year. Ayoko"
" Barangay or Municipal?"
"Municipal, Vice Mayor"
Halos matawa naman ako sa narinig. Itong lalaking to? Vice Mayor? E ayaw na ayaw nito sa politika. I know he can pull it off. Matalino at Magaling siya kahit nga Presidente ng Pilipinas ay pwede siya.
Kaso ang problema. Naubos ata ang pagmamahal niya kay Annica at hindi niya magawang mahalin ang politika.
"I declined"
"Uh huh dapat lang. Baka ibenta mo pa ang bayan"
Natawa kaming pareho.
"Are you planning to visit your family?"
Tumango ako. I realized , the time I spent here was long enough for me to heal.
I know that Travus has moved on and no longer cares about me. He could have tried to find me if he wanted to, but he chose not to.
Instead, he declared me as good as dead, and that's the part that cuts the deepest. It's the part where my heart feels most trapped, struggling to let go.
I still feel a sharp, lingering anger every time I remember what happened. He chose to save Annica over me. I know I’m not in the position to demand anything, but is that how worthless I am to him?
Ganon na ba ako kadaling iwan at bitawan?
Nakakatawa dahil habang lumulubog ako ng oras na iyon. I still hope that he will save me. That he will jump off the cliff and find for me.
To save me.
Pero katulad palagi. Hindi niya ako naililigtas.
"Hey, why do you look like you’re on the verge of breaking down?"
A soft voice resounded my ears. Agad na nabalik ako sa ulirat.
"Ha? Hindi"
"Anong hindi? Napindot mo ba si Sadness?"
Napairap naman ako sa tanong niya.
"Oh tapos ngayon si Anger naman"
Nawawalan na pasensyang tiningnan ko siya.
"Just kidding. Ikaw kasi isang pitik na lang sayo kanina iiyak ka na"
Natigilan naman ako.
"I'm not, lumabas ka na nga"
"Hahaha pikon, anyway I'll be leaving and I don't need your security. I'm with my Father so magpahinga ka na muna"
Tumango naman ako.
"Yeah take care"
Tamad na humiga ako sa kama. It's been so long. Nawala ako sa sarili ko at mas piniling lumayo dahil sa sakit.
I just can't bear to see them happy together.
Bitter na kung bitter yun talaga ang nararamdaman ko noon.
Being left with no choice but to accpet the fact that he chooses her over me cut my heart deep.
Sino nga naman ako hindi ba? Hindi nga siya nag aksaya ng oras na hanapin ako. Pagkatapos ng lahat ng pinagsamahan namin ay para lang niya akong laruan na itinapon.
The anger inside me flame again. Kapag talaga na iisip ko ang nangyari. Hindi ko mapigilang magalit at masaktan.
Nasasaktan ako hindi dahil , pinili niya si Annica. Mas nasaktan ako ng sabihin niyang patay na ako kahit na hindi pa niya pa akong subukang hanapin.
Itinakip ko ang aking mga palad saaking mga mata.
At the party, I really hope he's not there. I'm also hoping Montemayor and Vargas aren't around. Especially Santiago's—I'm not looking forward to seeing him.
My mind might be ready to confront him, but my heart? That’s another story. I’m anxious about what I’ll feel when we’re in the same room.
Will he approach me? Start a conversation? Will he be shocked to see I’m still here? I can’t help but wonder how he’ll react.
Masaya na ba siya?
My heart felt a sharp sting when I asked myself that question. Where did it come from?
I found myself touching my chest, feeling the ache. Just thinking of him being happy affects me like this. But what about seeing him happy with her? How will I feel then?
Magagalit ba ako kapag nakita ko siya? Makakapagsalita pa ba ako? Iiyak?
Sobrang daming tanong sa isip ko na hindi ko mahanap ang sagot.
Perhaps someday, I’ll find out all the answers to my questions.
Tonight, I’m falling asleep with that familiar bitter feeling once again.
S D M O N R O E
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