Anecdoche~oh you bitch~Vance hopper~

Mornings {033}

"Disarm" -smashing pumpkins

Rory's perspective

I didn't know how to feel after. It was the first time with someone I loved. I woke up with Vance's arm tightly wrapped around me. Nothing covered me but the sheet that was on top of us. I had a feeling of guilt. Why..? I sat there and questioned my self.

I squirmed out his grip and put on a shirt and a pair of boxer of his. I snuck through the door to head to the bathroom. I sat on the floor. Disgusted with myself, with my body. I was the one to blame of course though. I rested my right hand over my arm and just sat and stared. Tears began to well up in my eyes. The sorrow feeling overwhelmed me. Why do I feel like this? I kept asking myself. Why, why, why.

Then I heard a knock on the door. I slowly stood up and sniffled. "Sorry, I'll be finishing up in a second." I said wiping my face.

"Rory honey, are you okay in there?" I heard a little voice say on the other side of the door. Vance's mom was a very sweet women. She always left an open heart for me to cry to. She was like the mother I lost.

"Yeah, yeah one second." I say walking out the bathroom with my head hanging low. She lifts my chin.

"Oh, honey.." she says seeing my puffy eyes. There was a moment of silence between us. I couldn't help it. She embraced me and I just cried as she lead me to the couch. She just held me. I cried. I looked pitiful, but I couldn't help myself.

After a second of us sitting in silence she finally spoke. "Do you need to talk about it?" She questioned. I looked up and pressed my lips together and there was a long pause.

"Have you ever felt so guilty for something you shouldn't?" I said with a quiet shaking voice.

"Well yes, many times." She said with a soft tone resting her hand over my leg. Her lips frowned. "You know Vance loves you very much, right?"

"Yes..and I love him till the world ends" I said smiling softly. "I just don't know what to do with myself." My voice got quiet as it started to break again.

"I remember the day that he first told me about you" she said with a slight chuckle. "His father wasn't home and he seemed so happy, he came up to me and told me everything. I said that wasn't a way to treat a lady, but seems the teasing got you."

I smiled with a slight blush. "I don't know how to feel anymore." I said

"What do you mean by that hun?" She said frowning once more.

"I've been so full of guilt these past months." I respond "I don't know how to get rid of it."

"You can't." She said as I look at her with confusion. "It comes and it goes, you just have to push through it. You have many loved ones who look at you for your great instead of your mistakes."

I look up at her. "You have been so great to me." I smile with tears filling in my eyes. I brace her for a tight hug. "You're the mother I never deserved"

"Oh sweetie, you deserve the world." She said as she hugged me tighter. We stayed in that position. I didn't deserve this women by any means.

I release from the hug and smile. "Now go on, I've got to get to work." She said standing up. I headed back to Vance's room and looked at him. He was such a peaceful sleeper. He looked beautiful almost. His hair feel right into place and his eyes are at rest. I grabbed a cigarette from one of his drawers and opened the window to stick my head out. I inhaled and exhaled like usual. It was an early morning. My guess was around 7 in the morning. My eyes were heavy but I had to get back to dads unless I wanted to get a lecture. I hear rustling behind me as I finish the cigarette up.

"Babe?" I heard the voice of the man I learn to adore. I smile and turn around.

"Hey" I say lying back down next to him. Back under the linen sheet. He smiles at me and sits up slightly.

"How are you feeling?" He says looking down at me.

"I don't know, if I'm being honest." I say and he goes quiet.

"Is everything okay?" He says pushing my hair out of my face.

"I think so." I look up at him. His lips turn to a thin line and I sit up resting my head on his chest. He wraps an arm around me as we sit in silence. I feel his breathing underneath me.

"Are we okay?" He says softly with a sigh. I pause.

"I don't know." I say turning to look at him. His eyebrows furrow.

"What do you mean."

"I feel disgusted." I say.

His gaze softens. "I don't think you should." He sighs "I'll always love you."

I look at him. "I need to learn how to love myself."

He looks at me, guilt in his eyes. "Baby, what's going on.." he said rubbing his hand against my arm.

My tears well up again. "Vance I love you dearly" I said hugging him tightly.  "I don't regret last night at all."

He kisses my wet cheek and rests his hand on my shoulder. I smiled in the quiet room, I chuckled a bit and hugged him tighter.

"You are so beautiful." He said with a smile. "You'll always be my one and only."

After a moment of us sitting there I threw up my hair in a bun. Some curls hanging loose.

"I can walk you back to your house, I don't want your dad never letting my see you again" he said with a chuckle.

"We can be Romeo and Juliet." I said smiling.

"I'd rather not die." Vance laughs and so do I. We silently walked back to my house. I snuck through the window like usual and I snuggle in my sheets and wave goodbye to my boyfriend.