𝓗𝓮𝓪𝓻𝓽𝓫𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴

𝕱𝖗𝖊𝖊𝖉𝖔𝖒?

Tired from the photoshoot but unable to sleep, I walked onto the balcony of my new apartment. One bedroom on the 3rd floor, with a balcony I could decorate with flowers— it was all I needed. The posters were still in a box in the corner of my bedroom. I was starting fresh, moving on.

But right now, I stood there, a blanket around me, wearing only my panties— my pajamas were somewhere in the pile of things still unpacked. I had come out here for a smoke, but ended up just staring at the empty street. The only sounds were the distant music from a nearby club.

I liked it like this—alone, free. I felt free.

Physically, though, I was a little cold. The chilly wind hit my still-wet hair and bare shoulders.

It had been a week into the new year, and 2011 felt like a fresh start.

I heard scratching coming from inside as Bee desperately tried to get to me outside. She was still so small, and I worried about her falling, so she had to stay inside. Soon she gave up and walked away.

I checked the time, ignoring the missed calls and texts from Tom, Gustav, and Katherine. I should've been getting sleep—I had another shoot by noon—but I couldn't shake the thoughts of everything I'd left behind. So I texted Gabrielle, selfishly hoping that she couldn't sleep as well.

As I stood on the balcony, still clutching my phone, the screen lit up with Gabrielle's reply: "Hey, I'm coming over. Be there in 10."

I glanced at the time again—5:28 a.m. The sky was still dark, with only the faintest hint of dawn on the horizon. A part of me wanted to tell her to go back to bed, but I knew better. Gabrielle wasn't the type to take no for an answer, especially not when she knew I needed someone.

With a sigh, I texted back: "Door's unlocked."

The familiar sound of Bee's tiny nails scratching at the ground as she ran towrds me once she heard the balcony door open made me smile, but I didn't let her out. Instead, I scooped her up, bringing her into the bathroom with me as I half-heartedly ran a towel through my damp hair. The last thing I needed was to get sick before the next shoot.

Bee meowed softly, her little head pressing against my chest as I carried her back into the living room. "Gabby is coming," I whispered to her, though I knew she wouldn't care as long as she got some attention.

A knock on the door broke the silence, despite me telling her the door was open. Typical Gabrielle. I opened it to find her standing there, still in pajamas with a hoodie thrown over them, holding two cups of coffee and a bag from some bakery that had probably just opened.

"I don't know what I'd do without you," I muttered, stepping aside to let her in. She handed me one of the coffees as she made herself comfortable on my couch, kicking off her shoes and curling her legs beneath her.

"Not a problem," she said, eyeing me carefully. "I know you well enough to guess you've barely slept."

"Understatement of the year," I replied, taking a sip of the hot coffee. The warmth seeped into me, a small comfort amidst everything else.

Gabrielle patted the space next to her, and I joined her on the couch. She opened the bag and pulled out a couple of croissants, handing one to me. I bit into it, realizing just how hungry I was.

"So," she started after a few moments of silence, "you want to talk about it? Or should we just sit here and enjoy the sunrise in silence?"

I sighed, leaning back into the cushions. "I don't know, Gabby. It's been a mess. I've been ignoring his calls, just trying to focus on moving forward. But everything still feels... heavy, you know?"

Gabrielle looked at me thoughtfully, setting her coffee down on the table. "That's understandable, Lolita. After everything you've been through, it's hard to just let go and move on. It's like your mind is stuck in survival mode, waiting for the next hit."

I nodded, appreciating how she always seemed to get it. "Yeah, exactly. I thought that once I moved into this place, things would feel different. Lighter. But it's like there's this constant weight on my chest, and I don't know how to shake it."

Gabrielle reached out and squeezed my hand. "It's gonna take time. You've been through a lot, and it's okay to feel like this. But you're doing everything right—you've taken steps to distance yourself from the mess. You're focusing on your work, finding your own space. That's huge."

I sighed, leaning my head back against the couch. "I just wish I didn't feel so... unsettled. Like I'm subconsciously waiting for something to change, but I don't even know what that is."

Gabrielle gave me a small smile. "Maybe that's because deep down, you're hoping for something good to happen. Something that'll make all of this worth it."

"Maybe," I said softly. "Or maybe I'm just tired of all the chaos and want some peace for once."

She nodded in agreement. "You deserve that, Lolita. And you'll get there. It might take some time, but you will."

For a moment, we sat in comfortable silence, sipping our coffee as the sun slowly began to rise. The quiet of the early morning felt oddly comforting, like a gentle reminder that a new day was beginning, and with it, the possibility of something better.

"Thanks for being here, Gabby," I said quietly.

"Always," she replied with a smile. "And hey, if something does change, good or bad, I'll be right here with you. We'll face it together."

I couldn't help but smile at that, feeling a little more grounded with her by my side.

"Okay, but I have one question," she said again, taking my hand in hers. "What about Bill?"

"What about him?" I asked, already knowing where this conversation was headed.

"You love each other. You had sex with him. You're both heartbroken without each other."

"I... I don't know, Gabrielle. I think about him a lot, I care about him so much, and I want to be with him every second for the rest of my life..." I admitted. "But I can't. That would mean seeing Tom, dealing with new drama, new headlines, new rumors. I can't handle that. I have to stay as far away from Tokio Hotel as possible. The only exception is Georg."

Gabrielle nodded, her eyes filled with understanding but also concern. "I get that, Lolita. But you can't just ignore how you feel. If you keep pushing Bill away because of all the noise around him, you might end up regretting it."

"I know," I sighed, rubbing my temples. "It's just... every time I think about going back, about facing Tom and everything that comes with it, it feels like walking into a storm. And I'm tired of storms, Gabby."

"I get it. But hiding from it won't make it go away. You know that better than anyone." She squeezed my hand. "And Bill, he's part of that storm, yeah. But maybe he's also the one who can help you weather it."

I stared down at our joined hands, her words sinking in. She wasn't wrong, but that didn't make it any easier. "I just don't know if I have the strength to go through all that again. The headlines, the gossip, the judgment... It's exhausting."

Gabrielle leaned in closer, her voice soft but firm. "You're stronger than you think, Lolita. And you don't have to do it alone. Bill's not going to let you fight this by yourself, and neither will I."

I looked up at her, feeling a flicker of hope amidst the exhaustion. "I just... I need time. To figure out what I really want, and if I'm ready to face everything that comes with it."

She nodded, her expression gentle. "Take all the time you need. But just remember, you don't have to shut out the people who love you. We're here, no matter what you decide."

I gave her a small smile, grateful for her support. "Thanks, Gabby. I don't know what I'd do without you."

"You won't have to find out," she said with a wink, leaning back into the couch.