Mrs. Bieber [Zustin Mieber FF] English Version

Part 61

Zayn

It had been four days since Colorado Springs. Justin and I hadn't even said goodbye. We hadn't even glanced at each other. The whole time I had to fight back the urge to see him. Because now I knew. I knew.
We didn't sit next to each other on the plane, we pretended the other wasn't there. I had no one to hold on to when we were in the air. I was scared as hell, but I kept it to myself. And I had bigger worries than my fear of heights.
And we hadn't even heard from each other. I hadn't called him and he certainly hadn't called me. I knew, I knew, he must have known already.
The situation between us had changed. However close we had once been, we were now distant and the only thing that kept us together was our damn marriage. That was really the only thing.
A stupid piece of paper that tied us together, nothing more, nothing less.
We would meet tomorrow, in the afternoon. Alan Bridges, Justin's lawyer, had a second office in New York City where we happened to be. We would meet in that office.
I couldn't sleep, I could hardly eat, and I couldn't concentrate on anything during sound checks or rehearsals. My thoughts seemed to be in another universe. My stomach felt like someone was pulling on my insides.
Niall was the only one who kept asking me what was wrong with me, why I couldn't concentrate and so on. But the others just assumed it was because of my injured foot. I could walk on it now, but I still carried the crutches around with me in case the pain got worse again.
Our stage crew yelled at me the whole time because I couldn't get it together. Liam would always come and want to know why I was a beat behind the rest or just doing something else without focusing. Why I didn't remember our routines anymore. But I was just completely gone.
"Zayn, what the hell is wrong with you? You look like you have the whole world's problems on your soul or something!" Liam shouted, anger and frustration flashing in one eye. But mostly annoyance. He had been easily angered lately.
I didn't answer, I just went back to thinking. I couldn't really express how I was feeling, and I didn't know what to expect or how to sign these stupid papers.
My mind kept drifting to Justin. I wondered if he would even show up, since we seemed to be avoiding each other. I had left my phone somewhere for the past few days, not wanting to read my messages or missed calls. They all wanted to know how I was doing. Ever since my little accident with my foot, everyone seemed to be overly concerned, even though they couldn't give a damn.
"Zayn? Are you ignoring me?! Why do you keep going off topic? Do you even know how self-centered you are being right now?! We have a show tonight and you're not even trying!" Liam yelled at me, trying to get my attention.
He managed it and I snapped, "I'm self-centered?" I snorted and looked at him. "Why don't you look in the mirror, all you seem to care about is looking good and impressing management. You're the self-centered and superficial one here. So just leave me alone, I've got a lot of shit to deal with right now and your bitching isn't helping me."
Liam's face was priceless, his eyes still sparkled with anger but his mouth was open and he didn't know what to say for the first few seconds. "Z-zayn? What's wrong? What happened to you?"
I snorted again. "You care now? Leave me alone like you always do, keep acting like everything is fine!"
Liam tried to grab my arm but I pushed him back. "I have to get out of here." I whispered and tried to get out of the arena.
"Stop, you're not going anywhere now, the show is in an hour and you can't get out now anyway!" our stage manager interrupted our argument.
Sighing heavily and pushing myself past Liam, I made my way towards the changing rooms. I was still limping a little but it wasn't as bad as it had been a few days ago. I also took my painkillers and that was it. With my fists clenched and seething with anger, I had the urgent need to punch a wall or someone in the face.
After slamming the door to my changing room, I sank into one of the couches and pressed my face into one of the cushions.
The insomnia was really getting to me by now, I hadn't been able to sleep properly since the Colorado Springs days and that was why I was so annoyed and moody.
The thought of what would happen tomorrow left a bitter taste in my mouth and I couldn't stop thinking that Justin might not show up, that he would leave me to sign the papers alone and then I would have to fax them to him so he could sign them.
I had considered not coming, but then... I had wanted this so badly. For so long. I had begged for this since day one. And I couldn't even imagine the screaming from Danny if I didn't come.
The only reason I was actually coming was to see Justin as my husband one last time.
My eyes started to burn as I thought about what was going to happen and I had no idea why I was acting so hesitant. I just didn't understand why the thought of Justin signing the papers hurt me so much. And then him pushing them over to me so I could sign them too.
My signature meant his freedom.
And his signature meant what to me? My freedom?
They meant we could both go back to our single lives, as bachelors. We could sleep with anyone we could get our hands on if we wanted. We could go out and finally get a girlfriend if we wanted to.
Wasn't the situation perfect? ​​We would finally be free from each other and finally not have to communicate with each other.
And a bonus was that I would never hear the wifey at the end of every sentence.
That's what I wanted and now I was getting cold feet? Isn't that how it usually is when you get married? Not when you get divorced?
We both wanted this from the beginning, neither of us were even gay. It was just that we liked each other's abilities and were totally sexually frustrated anyway.
Just thinking about what I would give up tomorrow made me feel regret and loss. Like I was making the stupidest decision of my life and I would regret it. That once I gave it up I would never get it back.
The confusing and overwhelming emotions in my head and heart didn't make it any easier for me to make a decision and stick to it. They just made it more difficult. I didn't know what to do anymore.
And I had no idea what I was feeling, I could no longer distinguish between my emotions. There were two sides inside me that were fighting against each other to make the right decision.
But even if I had more than platonic feelings for Justin, what were the chances that Justin felt the same? I couldn't force him to stay married to me even if I wanted to, I couldn't pour my heart out to him only to have it destroyed with the scribbles of his pen.
I didn't know what I was going to do, but I had a pretty positive feeling about the whole thing. My decision would change both of our lives, no matter what happened tomorrow.

-*-

"Where are you going? We don't have anything planned for today," Niall commented as he walked in while I was doing my hair.
My heart nearly jumped out of my chest. "Holy shit, Niall, you scared me."
"Where are you going?" Niall asked, ignoring me completely, his arms crossed and looking at me expectantly. He knew I was going somewhere and probably wanted to ask if he could come with me.
"I don't know yet, just into town or something," I answered, but didn't make eye contact as I put on deodorant and perfume.
He laughed. "Do you have a date? Because you dress like you want to impress someone."
I almost choked. "A date with myself, yes, I am important to myself."
"Yeah, because you're an independent, black woman," he said sarcastically and I couldn't help but laugh.
"You're crazy, but I really have to go, I've reserved a few hours at the spa," I joked, picking up my phone and wallet and almost stumbled when I saw what time it was.
"Are you sure you don't want company? I have nothing to do and could come with you," Niall suggested, trying to convince me to take him with me.
I shook my head. "Thanks but no thanks, I have some personal stuff to take care of."
Niall sighed in defeat. "Be careful with your foot though, and if it starts to hurt again, take a damn taxi," he warned me in a serious voice.
"I will, I will," I said to him, and with every second that passed I came closer to the moment when I had to make a decision.
Something deep inside me told me that Justin wouldn't show up, and that disappointed me more than it pleased me. I didn't want to leave the office alone, I wanted to end it with a handshake or something like that, even though I really wanted one last kiss goodbye. A kiss that would conclude everything.
My stomach clenched at the thought that it would be unfair if I just punched him. It would also show our lawyers that we actually got along quite well after what she thought was a mistake.
They didn't know that we had slept together, that we had touched each other's bodies in ways friends don't, and how that had only complicated things.
But I didn't regret any of it, nothing.
I didn't regret these last four months, I thought I would. But I didn't, and I never would.

-*-

Narrator