Excerpt From Valerie's Diary.
August 3
My heart feels like it's shattering into a million pieces. I'm lost, alone and unsure of how to navigate this new reality.
I never understood how people could change - either from bad to good or vice versa. I only knew people to be the best versions of themselves. I was naive to think that the people close to us will forever remain the same.
Regina changed.
My mother figure, the one person I thought I could count on, turned against me. It's been just a week and some days since my eleventh birthday and she's a different person. She can barely stand the sight of me.
Regina... How could she change so much?
I recall the way she used to look at me, the warmth in her eyes. But now, her gaze is cold, distant. I'd try to communicate, to express my feelings, but my muteness is a barrier. I'm trapped in a world of my own, unable to speak, unable to express the pain that's consuming me.
It hurt.
I'd let her in. I loved her. I had tried to be the daughter she told me she wanted because she was unable to conceive. But I guess it wasn't enough...I wasn't enough.
Sadly after my birthday, Abuelita and Acio left for Mexico. Acio's aunt had an accident and died. I felt sad for Abuelita, having lost her daughter. I had lost a dear one so I understood the pain she might be going through now. But Abuelita and Acio's departure for Mexico has left a gaping hole in my life.
Today she was getting married to dad - a wedding I'm not permitted to attend. She said I'd ruin her mood, that she didn't want any negativity on the happiest day of her life. The hurt stings, an open wound that refuses to heal.
Dad's indifference doesn't help. He too had grown cold towards me, barely treating me with the same sweetness as before. Grandma Esme and Dexy's disdain doesn't surprise me. They've always made it clear they didn't want me around. I’d watched as they prepared for the wedding, their happiness a stark contrast to my sorrow. I feel like a ghost, invisible and insignificant.
I miss Abuelita's warm smile, her gentle touch. I miss Acio's playful laughter, his goofy smile. But most of all, I miss the sense of belonging. I miss feeling like I was part of something bigger than myself. Without them it meant I was alone in this, with no one to turn to.
There's this pain in my heart that refuses to subside. I remember the day my mom passed away like it was yesterday. The pain, the guilt, the overwhelming sense of loss. I thought I was starting to heal, to find my footing again but I was wrong.
I'd let my guard down. I had needed someone to lean on, to hold, to get me through it all... I'd thought Regina was that special someone but I was mistaken.
As I sit here, surrounded by the silence of my room, I feel the weight of my loneliness. It's a crushing burden, one I'm not sure I can bear. I think of my mom, of the way she used to hold me, the way she'd whisper words of encouragement in my ear. I remember the way she'd make me feel safe, like everything would be okay.
But noww she's gone, and I'm left with this hollow ache, this sense of emptiness that refuses to subside. I look around my room, at the memories that linger. My mom's photos, her perfume, her smile. It's all I have left of her, and it's not enough. I want her back, I want her to hold me, to tell me everything will be okay.
But deep down, I know it's not possible. She's gone and I'm left to face this cruel world alone. I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of uncertainty, unable to find my footing.
As the tears stream down my face, I realize that I'm not just mourning the loss of my mom. I'm mourning the loss of my innocence, the loss of my sense of security. I'm mourning the fact that I'll never be the same again. I'm left with this overwhelming sense of despair, a soul-crushing emptiness that threatens to consume me.
I wonder if anyone will ever love me, accept me for who I am. I wonder if anyone will ever heal me, hold me, and love me like my mom only could.
Abuelita loved me but she couldn't be that person because she had to be that person for Acio who'd been abandoned by his parents when he was just a baby.
There's this soul-crushing despair at the thought of never having anyone to fill this void, to put together the pieces of me that's left.
I take a deep breath, letting the silence envelop me. I close my eyes, feeling the tears stream down my face. I'm lost, alone, and unsure of what the future holds. But I know one thing - I'll keep fighting, keep hoping until I find my way again.
As the sun sets outside, casting a warm glow over the world, I feel a glimmer of hope. Maybe, just maybe, there's a way to heal, to find love and acceptance again. Maybe I'm not alone after all.
Or maybe be I'm naive. Life was cruel...people can be cruel, me hoping for better days may be just a dream.
Maybe in the end, I’ll be utterly alone.
