Half a heart

Chapter 39

Trigger Warnings: Anxiety, Mental Health, Emotional Distress

Charlie's POV

The waiting room was too quiet, too still. The kind of quiet that made you feel like the world outside had stopped, leaving only the tick of the clock on the wall and the low hum of the fluorescent lights above. I could feel my anxiety creeping up, a familiar weight settling on my chest. I shifted in my seat, trying to focus on my breathing like I'd been taught in the hospital, but it was hard. My mind kept racing, jumping from one worry to the next, each one worse than the last.

I glanced at the clock. It had only been five minutes since Harry dropped me off, but it felt like an eternity. He was still outside in the parking lot, waiting for me, and just knowing that gave me a little comfort. But it also made me feel guilty. He'd done so much for me, and I couldn't help but wonder if he was getting tired of it all. Tired of me.

"Charlie?" A gentle voice broke through my thoughts, and I looked up to see a woman standing in the doorway. She was about my mother's age, with kind eyes and a warm smile. "I'm Dr. Mason. Are you ready?"

I nodded, though I didn't really feel ready. My legs felt like lead as I stood up and followed her into the office. The room was small but cozy, with soft lighting and a few plants scattered around. It smelled faintly of lavender, the scent calming my nerves just a bit. There was a couch against one wall, and Dr. Mason gestured for me to sit down. I perched on the edge of it, my hands fidgeting in my lap.

"How are you feeling today?" Dr. Mason asked as she took a seat in the chair opposite me. Her voice was gentle, non-judgmental, and it made it a little easier to speak.

"Nervous," I admitted, my voice barely above a whisper. "And... scared."

"That's completely normal," she assured me, her expression softening. "It's okay to be scared, Charlie. You're here to work through those feelings, and that takes a lot of courage."

I nodded, though I wasn't sure if I believed her. Courage wasn't something I felt like I had a lot of lately. "I don't really know what to say," I confessed, my hands still twisting in my lap.

"There's no right or wrong thing to say," Dr. Mason replied. "We can start wherever you feel comfortable. This is your space, and I'm here to listen and help in any way I can."

I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself. My thoughts were jumbled, tangled up in knots that I didn't know how to untie. But I knew I had to start somewhere, even if it was just a small step. "I've been... struggling," I began, my voice shaky. "With everything, really. I don't know how to explain it. It's like there's this darkness inside me, and no matter what I do, I can't make it go away."

Dr. Mason nodded, her eyes full of understanding. "That darkness can feel overwhelming, like it's swallowing you up. But it's important to remember that you don't have to face it alone. Can you tell me a little more about what that darkness feels like for you?"

I hesitated, the words caught in my throat. It was hard to talk about it, to put into words something that felt so big, so consuming. But I forced myself to try. "It feels... heavy. Like there's this weight on my chest that I can't get rid of. And I'm always so tired, no matter how much I sleep. Everything feels pointless, and I can't find the energy to care about anything anymore."

As I spoke, I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, but I blinked them back. I didn't want to cry in front of her. I didn't want to look weak.

"It sounds like you've been carrying a lot on your own," Dr. Mason said gently. "That's a heavy burden to bear. It's okay to cry, Charlie. You don't have to hold it all in."

Her words broke something inside me, and before I could stop it, the tears started to fall. I hated crying, hated the way it made me feel so vulnerable, but I couldn't hold it back anymore. All the pain, all the fear, everything I'd been bottling up came pouring out, and I felt like I was drowning in it.

Dr. Mason didn't say anything, just handed me a box of tissues and let me cry. It was strange, being allowed to just feel without having to explain or apologize for it. Slowly, the tears started to slow, and I wiped my eyes, feeling a little lighter, even though I was still a mess.

"I'm sorry," I muttered, embarrassed by my outburst.

"There's nothing to be sorry for," Dr. Mason said softly. "It's important to let those feelings out, especially when they've been building up for so long. You're allowed to feel what you're feeling, and there's no shame in that."

I nodded, though I still felt a little raw, like an open wound that hadn't had time to heal. But there was also a sense of relief, like I'd taken the first step towards something—towards healing, maybe, though that still felt like a far-off dream.

"We can take this process as slowly as you need," Dr. Mason continued. "There's no rush, and no pressure. We'll go at your pace, and we'll work through things together."

I appreciated her saying that, even though the thought of facing everything still scared me. But I knew I couldn't keep running from it. I had to face it, one way or another.

"Okay," I said finally, my voice steadier now. "I want to try."

Dr. Mason smiled, a warm, encouraging smile that made me feel a little braver. "That's all you need to do, Charlie. Just try. We'll figure out the rest together."

As the session continued, I found myself opening up more than I thought I would. It wasn't easy, and there were moments when I wanted to retreat, to put my walls back up, but Dr. Mason was patient, never pushing me too far, always giving me the space I needed. By the time the hour was up, I felt exhausted but also a little more hopeful, like maybe this was the start of something that could help.

When the session ended, Dr. Mason walked me to the door, her presence calming. "You did really well today, Charlie. I'm proud of you for taking this step."

"Thanks," I said, feeling a small smile tug at my lips. It wasn't much, but it was something.

As I stepped out into the waiting room, I saw Harry standing by the door, his face lighting up when he saw me. I walked over to him, feeling a mix of relief and gratitude.

"How was it?" he asked gently as we headed out to the car.

"It was... good, I think," I replied, still processing everything. "Hard, but good."

Harry nodded, his hand resting on my shoulder as we walked. "I'm glad. One step at a time, right?"

"Yeah," I agreed, feeling a little more certain of that now. "One step at a time."

As we drove home, I found myself staring out the window again, but this time, the world didn't seem so overwhelming. The darkness was still there, but it didn't feel as suffocating as before. I knew I had a long way to go, but for the first time in a long time, I felt like I could see a way forward.

And that was enough for now.