On That Same Year (On-Going)

Chapter 6

Makalipas ang ilang minuto ay tumahan na rin ako sa pag-iyak, ramdam ko ang pamamaga ng magkabilang mata ko 'cause it's so puffy when I take a look at the mirror earlier this evening.

I couldn't sleep well so instead of forcing myself to sleep, I took my phone, wallet and my jacket that's hanging at the back of my door. Bago ako tuluyang makalabas ng kuwarto ko ay nakailang silip pa ako to check if mom's still up.

But as soon as I heard our house is filled with silence, I took the chance to head outside.

Nang makalabas ay kaagad namang bumungad sa akin ang hangin na kay lamig, isinuot ko lang ang jacket at kaagad na rin akong naglakad paalis ng bahay. I chose not to bring my motorcycle 'cause if I'll start the engine I know it will make some noise so probably mom would be awake that's why I decided to walk instead.

Isa pa, I prefer walking under the street lights at night rather than riding a motorcycle. It may seem dangerous to walk alone especially 'cause I'm a woman but I don't really care what might happen to me now.

Kahit ilang oras akong umiyak ay ramdam ko pa rin ang bigat sa dibdib ko na para bang hindi ito mawawala kapag wala akong ginawa na maaaring makapag palimot sa mga nangyari kanina sa bahay.

Actually madalang lang kaming mag away ni mama but I swear it hurts me a lot because usually if she did something I didn't like or even say things I didn't seem to like? I would always choose to be silent because I am not vocal with how I felt everytime. I always find it difficult for me na masabi yung mga gusto kong sabihin lalo na kapag masyado ng nakakasakit sa damdamin ko.

I always felt like no matter how deep and heavy it is, I'll always choose to keep it for myself rather than making a scene about it. And, I think that's the behavior I really need to change within myself if ever. Siguro nga kanina ay masyadong nagulat si mama dahil sa ginawa kong pagsagot sa kanya for the first time in my life, she didn't expect that I would either explain or say something about what she's trying to say earlier this evening.

It's my first time to disagree.

Although nakaka-guilty yung nagawa kong pagsagot but I know my feelings are valid and it's not something that I should ignore. If it bothers me, it will be.

I heaved a sigh at the random thoughts that keeps on lingering inside my mind, hindi ko namalayang nakarating na pala ako sa isang store na 24/7 silang nakabukas. I didn't actually get what's the exact name of this store because I didn't notice kanina.

It's not my first time seeing this but it's my first time to buy something from this store, pumasok ako sa loob at napansin kong hindi naman masyadong spacious yung store but it was enough for me to roam around.

Kumuha lang ako ng isang cup noodles, one bag of lays at isang bottle ng water. Pagkakuha ko naman no'n ay pumunta na rin ako sa cashier to pay for my foods, after paying at maihanda ng cashier yung cup noodles ko ay lumabas naman na ako bitbit ang mga pinamili ko at inilapag ko lang iyon sa mesang nasa labas ng store na 'to.

Naupo naman na ako sa mono block kung sa'n matatanaw ko kung sino-sino ang bumibili at kung sino ang nasa loob ng store. Nang makapag muni-muni saglit sa paligid ay hinigop ko na ang sabaw ng noodles na nabili ko at ramdam ko ang pag guhit nito sa lalamunan ko.

It feels comforting.

Ito talaga ang gusto ko kapag hindi ako okay, parang nakakawala bigla ng iisipin kapag kumakain ka. I also discover that eating is one of my coping mechanism whenever I don't feel alright 'cause right after I eat? Parang nababawasan ang mga problemang pinapasan ko sa mundo. I feel light right after.

Hindi pa man ako nakakapangalahati sa pagkain ko ay may napansin akong isang familiar na pigura sa cashier section. Hindi ko masyadong kita ang mukha n'ya dahil naka side view s'ya mula sa puwesto kung saan ako nakaupo ngayon pero malayo pa lang ay nakilala ko na agad kung sino ito.