Survival

#10 There's no turning back

Lila was sitting in her car in the parking lot. It was already night.

It had been a few days since Sloane had been found, and two days ago they had all returned to their town. Only Lila didn't officially return until today. She had a few things she had to take care of, plus she didn't want to ruin such an iconic return by Diego seeing her with them and making it all about what was going on between them again. It was also the reason she was reluctant to get out and go to the bar that was currently celebrating Sloane's return.

None of them knew she was back yet, except Five of course and also her family when she came to visit the children to read the story to them in person this time.

She pulled an old letter from the dashboard drawer, a letter she had written to Diego when they were together. Before the subway. She needed to get it out, but she'd never given it to him. She unfolded the paper and read what she'd written.

Diego,

I'm sorry...

I can't go on like this...

If something doesn't change, sooner or later I'll stop being myself. I stop liking the way I feel with you lately...

It's taken me a long time to realize it, but actually, since we've been together, I've felt pressure, pressure to be grateful for everything and to behave exactly as you expect me to. Every single day I'm afraid I'm gonna make a mistake and do something that you don't think is good enough.

And it's killing me...

I know how ungrateful that probably sounds... I am grateful to you, for a lot of things, I just don't want it to define our whole relationship and dynamic between us.

It started with you accepting me despite my past, agreeing to try and be a family, even though it was all kind of unexpected and unplanned... except it was also like making an imaginary promise to you that I would become the perfect version of myself.

But I'm not perfect... I don't even want to be! My flaws, my nature, they're all pieces of me. It makes me the person I've become, even with all the bad and dark from my past. I'm not a perfect wife or a perfect mother, I know that...

It seems so clear, you're the breadwinner, I'm in charge of the kids and the household, and I'm expected to be 100% in it without a single hesitation or stumble. But I can't really do that. I'm learning every single day how to be a better person for our kids.

Sometimes I just need to be myself...

Every time you do something nice for me, especially when you do it in front of your whole family, I feel like I should be a good girl for it, and when it doesn't happen, you look at me like I let you down and expect it not to happen again next time. You can't imagine how that feels...

I can't function in this long term.

Maybe you'll tell me that this is adult life and I need to grow up. But if I only do what I'm supposed to do and nothing of what I want to do, who will I be?

Sometimes I feel like you'd rather I was someone completely different from the ground up, except then you wouldn't love me, you'd just love the idea of my perfect self.

I just want you to love me for who I am...

She must have smiled at that last sentence because she immediately thought of Five. He was so different from Diego in that way, never trying to make her into someone else, never trying to change her into the image of his perfect dream partner. And it was only when she finally knew what it was like to actually experience it that she felt fully free.

She folded the letter and returned it to the box. She saw the folder with the lawyer's papers, but left it there, there would be plenty of time for that tomorrow. At least she hoped so.

--

Five looked at his phone, a message from Lila had come through: Whatever happens, please don't interfere...

He looked around and a few seconds later Lila entered the room and walked towards them.

Diego and Luther had just had a drink together, and Diego looked like it was definitely not his first drink of the night. He noticed Lila almost immediately and theatrically raised his beer in greeting.

"Well, finally! There she is, my beautiful wife!" He was in a rather frisky mood. She instantly had everyone's attention.

Lila immediately felt that uncomfortable feeling: let's pretend everything is fine in front of everyone.

Diego walked up to her and tried to kiss her, but Lila flinched.

"What, I don't even get a welcome kiss?"

"Diego, you're not serious about this, are you?" She hissed, trying to make sure only he could hear.

"What, I can't kiss my wife?" He looked concerned.

"We'll talk tomorrow when you're sober."

"So we're not gonna talk today?"

"Please... stop it."

"What?"

"Pretending everything's okay."

"Only you're not okay... otherwise everything's great here! And look who's back! Sloane!"

"Yeah, I know..." she nodded in greeting and Sloane smiled reassuringly. Diego had no idea what them had already managed to discuss.

"So you know?"

"Yes."

"Interesting..." he glanced frowningly at Five, who was sitting nearby, and then put on his expression again as everything was just perfect.

Klaus walked up to Lila discreetly and placed a drink in her hand, "You look like you're going to need it," he whispered, and as he quickly showed himself he preferred to sink back into the side.

"We were just discussing that our lovebirds might be having a repeat wedding... you know... like a renewal of marriage vows! Doesn't that sound great? We can do that too."

Lila had just taken a sip when he said that, and it almost caught her drink right off guard. But before she could react, Diego continued.

"Actually, that reminds me, I have a surprise for you! Remember when you got the big ring after we got married and I promised to have it reduced so you could wear it?"

"Oh god, no..." she whispered, shaking her head, hoping he wouldn't actually do what she immediately thought of.

Diego pulled a ring out of his back pocket.

The tension and silence in the room could be cut.

Five just kept sitting up by force of his will.

"Diego, please... whatever you're planning right now, please don't do it..." only it was already happening, like a bad movie she was in. The last thing she wanted to do was wash dirty laundry in front of literally everyone. She just couldn't get sucked into this ridiculous situation and pretend she wasn't extremely uncomfortable.

Lila was stressed, she could feel her heart pounding like crazy and her ears buzzing, she was barely holding herself back from laughing hysterically because he had put her in this awkward situation. It wasn't supposed to be this way.

"Do you want to-"

"I want a divorce, Diego."

The ring hit the floor at her feet with a clink, and Lila felt like a heavy brick had hit the floor.