So High School (Chris Evans) 18+

32

And once again he's gone. 

Once again I'm alone and with only Dodger for company. Libby has told me to come over whenever I want but I feel bad for intruding on the little bubble that she and Jake have been enjoying. The whole family was ecstatic when she tactfully decided to wait a couple more weeks before dropping the baby bombshell on everyone - and over the months that have passed, she's been out baby shopping, decorating the nursery and whatnot. She looks so good with a bump, flawless even. Pregnancy suits her. 

Thanksgiving and Christmas passed us by like there was no time at all, but now Chris is away for  a premiere and then going onto film in Atlanta with whatever else is on his agenda. He's all over the place and here I am just waiting. 

Waiting for him. Waiting on taking the next step in our life. I feel like I'm just sat by the side  of a deserted road, or even drifting in a boat with no anchor. Seeing Libby just glowing and happy is hitting me hard, and making me want that for Chris and I even more. 

"Tam? Hellooo?" I hear his voice down the line as I now realise I'm daydreaming again. 

"Sorry, I got distracted". 

"I figured. You sure you're ok?" He asks with the same concern he always holds when I sound different to him. 

I swallow. "I...I guess it's just that, it doesn't matter". I admit defeat and sigh. 

"Yes it does, now what's up?" 

"It's something we should talk about when you're back". I tell him. "It's not something we can really discuss over the phone". 

He doesn't sound convinced. "But is everything alright?" 

"Yeah". I lie. "Just stuff that's been on my mind". 

"Tam c'mon, you can tell me". He presses but I don't give in. "Why won't you talk to me?" He's now the one to sigh.

Now I feel bad. "Because it's not something that we can just casually talk about over the phone. I need you here but because you're pretty much booked up for the next few months I may have to call Josh to schedule a meeting with you". 

"Oh come on Tam..." He defends himself. "You've had me home for the last couple of months". 

"Not really. You went to New York, then LA, then god knows where, came home and then had to go again. I've wanted to talk to you but there's never been a good enough time because you're out there living the single life to maintain your image and I'm stuck at home twiddling my thumbs until you actually come back". 

"That's not true". 

"Yes it bloody well is. I'm all for keeping a low profile, but it still kills me to see you with your arm around another girl and acting all charismatic for the media". 

Yes I'm talking about last night's premiere. I saw the pictures of him and another co star, seemingly looking like they were too close for comfort. 

"I can't even talk to any of my friends about anything because they don't know I'm even married. Libby's in her baby bubble, Cody's planning a wedding..." I break down at this point. "You wanted to keep me out of the public eye so I could have normality, and I appreciate that - but I don't have it. I want you here with me, I want to have a damn baby - but then I think I'm being selfish because it'll just be you going away to film while our kid never sees you". 

There's silence, and I wonder whether he's actually still there, but he is. Taking it all in. 

"You know what? I've never told you this, but I stole your card from Libby's Mystery Date box back before I left that summer? And I still have it. It's been in my purse for years because it was all I had of you, but now that I do have you? Lately it's been like I don't..."

Finally he speaks. "You kept the card all that time?" 

"Yeah. If you don't believe me then I'll send a photo. It's battered and dog eared but I've still kept it". 

I hear another sigh. "Yeah, I think we need to talk when I get home". 

"And when's that gonna be?" I ask outright. 

"In a few weeks.  We can sit down and talk about it all then". 

Now I become a little braver. "Be honest with me, just so I at least know where I stand - do you even want kids yet?" 

Another moment of silence. 

"I do, I'm not saying that I don't but like we said, it's probably better to wait until Avengers has come to an end, then at least I can be home more, take the projects I want and closer to home. Like you said, I'd be away a lot. I know you're hoping it happens sooner but..." 

"You've answered the question. I know now. It's not gonna happen for at least another few years". 

"Tam". 

"I can't wait that long. At first when we spoke about it, I don't think I really understood it would be this long. But my body is screaming out for this, and it won't stop". 

I hear some voices in the background, Chris then speaking. "The car's waiting for me so I need to go. Look, Tam I don't know what else I can say. When I'm home we can carry on the conversation and..." 

"What makes you think I'll be here waiting?" 

"Don't say that, please". 

The tears are literally sliding down my cheeks. "What else can I say? We're on different paths and clearly want different things, so perhaps we should just end it now before we get into a massive argument and end up saying things we regret". 

"Tamsin. I love you, you know that right?" 

I swallow the lump in my throat. "I think I'm going to go back home for a couple of weeks. See my parents and stuff. I need time to think about all this". 

He goes to respond but I hang up before he can. If I thought that I was broken with Daniel, a man who never really loved me, then I really had no idea what broken could feel like until now.