✰𝐀𝐝𝐝𝐢𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐝✰- 𝐃𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐬 𝐖𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐧

✰𝟔. 𝐂𝐫𝐚𝐳𝐲

✰𝐌𝐚𝐲

✰𝐌𝐚𝐫𝐢'𝐬 𝐏𝐨𝐯:✰

I felt myself start to dissociate again, it's been a long night. It was the scene of my best friend dead beside of me, except it wasn't Charlotte. It was Dally. The vivid picture in my mind was of Dallas Winston dead beside of me. It was terrifying how realistic the whole thing felt. It seemed like a play but the main lead changed from my best friend to Dally. Dally looked scary accurate, he looked tipsy and he had on a white tank top which was stained from red blood from all the stab wounds he received.

The whole thing really did feel like a play, I could recite my lines from my part. I knew my next step at every moment and it was disorienting and gut wrenching watching myself experience the whole thing over and over again. Every time I have this flashback or see it in a nightmare I always feel so bad for the poor girl, then I remember that it's actually me and I don't feel bad anymore. I'm not allowed to feel self pity. I didn't want to accept the fact that I've had it rough and every time I try and think about it I'm immediately shut down by my thoughts of all the other people that have it worse. I always end the topic thinking that I'm lucky, and in some aspects I am, but it hurts.

My vision became clear again and my hearing went back to normal after Dally snapped his fingers in front of my face for a few seconds. "What was that?" He said. I assumed he had been trying to snap me out of it or speak to me for a few seconds but I was unresponsive. I didn't want to tell him the truth and admit that it was dissociation, I was embarrassed enough as it is, so I just said, "I just zoned out for a second. I'm sorry." I then looked down at his stomach to look for the stab wounds that I was convinced were there, it feels so real always. Upon my investigation I realized that he was wearing a black tank top and not a white one anyway. I still wasn't convinced but there was no way to see him shirtless so I just really hoped that he was ok under that shirt.

I was confused why I was so attached to him already though. I clearly cared about him a lot if I was having involuntary flashbacks involving him. I simplified it down to me being scared of losing people because of my best friend and my family not caring about me one bit. I was scared of being all alone and assumed that I was clinging onto him as to not be alone, but I didn't want to be attached. I didn't want him to have the ability to leave me, and if I'm attached then all his actions affect me. It's stressful and dangerous to me but I can't help not wanting him to leave me by myself.

I didn't want to admit at all that I liked him though. I for sure had feelings that I needed to decipher for him but I didn't want to admit that I've taken a liking to him. It's way too soon I would think and I'm scared that someone will get hurt. I'm scared of damaging him or breaking his heart but I'm also scared of him hurting me as well.

Every since my best friends passing my love life has been nonexistent. I had a boyfriend at the time and he broke up with me upon hearing the news because he "didn't want to deal with it." I've had a couple more boyfriends and a few more dates in the span of time but nothing has went or ended well. Every guy thought I was "too difficult" to be with and every first date stayed a first date with no chance of there being a second one. I tried not to let it hurt my feelings, especially because I didn't have a very big liking for the guys anyway, but it still did hurt my feelings. My self esteem had been crushed after multiple different guys calling me names like "crazy" or "difficult." The first and second time I simplified it as to be a coincidence, two people thinking alike isn't a big deal, but after the third guy threw out the same names and phrases that the first two did I was crushed. I desperately wanted Dally's opinion, I desperately wanted his opinion to be good.

"Are you really taking me out tomorrow?" I asked him. I was convinced that it had to be some sort of joke or misunderstanding that he wanted to take me on a date willingly. "Yeah, of course. What makes you think that I would stand you up or something?" He said. "Oh nothing, I was just making sure you know." I told him, but that wasn't the truth.

I found it completely unbelievable that he would want to take me out. After all of the feedback that I've received from guys I thought that I was unlovable and hopeless, and I thought that everyone thought that. I get flirted with often and asked on dates occasionally but I usually reject them because of that, I felt stupid for accepting this one. It wasn't even the day of the date and I'm already convinced that I screwed it all up. I felt incredibly bad for Dally as he had no idea what he was getting himself into.

My last date I went on I dissociated badly in front of the poor guy and once I snapped out of it he looked me dead in the eyes and said, "You're really hot it's a shame that you're crazy." Those words stuck with me and struck me deeply. I've always cared about my appearance a concerning amount and I don't think that comment helped that issue. I had always thought of crazy people to be murders or abusers or worse things. I didn't want to see myself as a crazy person, but how long can I deny the allegations before people start believing them rather than me?

I was exhausted, my mind hadn't ran this much in ages and I assumed it was because I hadn't been able to ware myself out with my shift. I was dozing off periodically and after a few minutes Dally moved my head so that it would lay on his shoulder. "Go to sleep." He said. I tried to fight falling asleep on him for multiple different reasons but I couldn't fight the battle long because I was out on his shoulder within 5 minutes of my head being there.

✰𝐇𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐚 𝐠𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐝𝐚𝐲 𝐲𝐚𝐥𝐥!✰