Hello again (Tommy Lee Fanfiction)

Ch5 Buring Steve/Moving to California

******All warnings apply mention of alcoholism 

When the paramedics got to the house they had to pry me off him. This was the first time I ever had to deal with someone dying. I thought maybe he could be like Nikki and come back to life. But the paramedics said he had been dead for over an hour. Which I was gone for an hour that morning and had been doing CPR on him for 30 minutes so technically he had been dead for an hour and 30 minutes.

It didn't matter he was gone and nothing could bring him back. In a way he really wasn't gone he still lives on in his music which he loved more than anything in the world. They took Steve out and I sat there on the floor of the kitchen still in shock really. The paramedics came back in and one got down on the floor in front of me.

"She's in shock. Do you 'ave anyone to contact Ms?"

"Rick. Rick Savage." Was the first name that popped in my head.

"Do you 'ave his number?" I shook my head yes and pointed to by the phone. He got up and called Sav. "These guys are in Def Leppard. Oh man its ringing. Rick Savage, yeah uh hung on mate."

He got back on the floor and handed me the phone. "Savy."

"Jasmine? Are you alright? Who the 'ell was dat? Where's Steve?" I just started balling and blubbering. "Luv I can't understand you. Ello, JJ."

"Mr. Savage yes this is the paramedic. I think the lass is in shock right now. Steve Clark uh...well he's uh dead mate."

"WHAT?" I could hear Sav yell in the phone. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE'S DEAD. Make sure the lass don't move. I'm calling her brothers and one of us will be there soon." I could hear Sav say in the phone because he was shouting it the whole time.

The paramedic didn't have to repeat himself to me. They left and I sat alone in the kitchen again. Melvin and Steven's two brothers came in the house. The door was unlocked. Melvin came in and sat in front of me. I just stared into space not really hearing a word he said. I wanted to feel nothing, so I thought of Tommy and then finally got pissed off.

I jumped up screaming and just started tearing the place apart. First it was the kitchen where I found every bottle of vodka Steve had hidden and broke it. Throwing them all over the place. Melvin and Steve's brothers kept ducking as they hit the walls behind them. I cursed like a sailor until I got up to the bedroom.

It was there I collapsed on the bed curling up into a ball and started crying again. I threw the blankets over my head as I heard Melvin on the telly. "Joe its Melvin. I think you better get your
buns to London mate. Because Steve's dead and Jasmine has bloody flipped. Yeah, I've already called Phil. Their with me now." Of course, I knew he was referring to Steve's brothers. I could hear their voices fade out as I laid there just feeling that numbness sweep over me.

After awhile the sun started going down and I heard footsteps in the hall. I felt like I was catatonic. "Jasmine." I heard Joe's voice and he sat on the bed pulling the blankets back a bit. "Oh luv. I'm so sorry." I lifted my head up and laid it on his lap sobbing again. He ran his hands through my hair. "It's alright luv. Just let it all out. He's in a better place now luv."

"Better place me arse. He bloody killed himself mate he's..." Melvin said.

"Shh." Joe snapped his fingers raising his hand up.

When someone close to you dies, they say you go through grief stages. There's shock, anger, crying and blaming. I think. So far, I had gone through shock, anger and the crying.

"It's all me fault." I said sobbing still laying in Joe's lap.

"Oh, luv it's not your fault. He just couldn't beat the monkey luv."

"No, it's me fault. He wouldn't be dead if..." I sat up and looked at Joe. "Joseph what I'm about to tell you is in confidence. You must swear not to tell Philip or me mum and da. I'll tell them when the times right and now's not that time."

"Alright luv I swear our conversation won't go further than this room." I got off the bed and slammed the door in Melvin's face. I wiped my face and went to the dresser. I pulled out the baby blanket Steve got and put it on the bed along with the 'Caution: Rock star baby on board' T-shirt he made for me. Joe looked at it and I sat back down on the bed. He got on the bed lying down and pulled me to him so that I would be lying back down again.

He was laying behind me with his elbow propped up holding his head. "We told his parents and you know his da. All he had to say was how much he's a screw up. If I wasn't...wasn't pregnant he'd still be here." I said softly crying again.

Joe curled up to me closer laying his head on my arm. "Ah luv he would have died regardless. It wasn't anyone's doing but his own to be truthful with you. Even if you never lived with him he would still be dead luv. He was very, very ill. We tried everything we could to get him help but he really didn't want it luv. I'm sorry to say it but this was a long time coming and I'm only sorry you had to be the one to find him. I'm so mad at him for dat."

Joe stroked me as I cried softly again. We were quiet and I drifted off to sleep. "How is she?" I heard Sav's voice whisper.

"Shh. She's asleep for now. Come on let's talk." I felt Joe get up and heard the door shut. I was a light sleeper, but I really wasn't asleep. I kept seeing Steve and then Nikki for some reason. Then I remembered hearing Sav,

"Jasmine, Jasmine, JJ. JOE!" I couldn't remember anything else and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I seen a bright light and then Steve wearing his white shirt walking to me.

"Jasmine." He said softly.

"Steven." I ran to him and into his arm. "Why?"

"I'm so sorry luv. I'm such a coward. Look at me." He pulled away from me. "Listen to me. It wasn't your fault. You 'ave a full life to go back to luv. You deserve someone better than me and dat will take better care of you luv."

"I don't want anyone but you."

"Luvoh god. You 'ave to go luv. I love you and there will always be a part of me in your heart, but life goes on darlin." When he let me go, it got dark again and when I opened my eyes I was in the hospital and Rick was sitting in a chair near the bed.

"Hey luv. You gave Sav and Joe a 'ell of a scare." I felt so empty and when I looked at him I just knew what happened.

"I lost the baby didn't I?" His face said it all. "It's ok you don't 'ave to tell me. I feel it and your face says it all. I guess this means Phil knows."

He took my hand in his. "No and he doesn't 'ave to if you don't want 'em to."

"They 'ave the funeral yet?"

"We were waiting on you luv." I pulled my hand back from him and sighed turning away from him.

"I'm not going. 'Ave it without me. Now leave me." He sat there and then left. I was in the hospital for a day or two for dehydration. Seems since I didn't eat that day and was so upset I had a miscarriage because I was dehydrated mostly.

They had a private funeral for family and friends only. From what I heard they had to hold back Joe and Phil from Steve's father when he said some off the wall comment and had a big beer in his hands. Steve's death hit everyone hard, but it hit Phil and I the hardest. After the funeral Phil came into the hospital and sat on the bed. He looked at me and said, "I'll make a deal with you. If you come home with me and we take some time to ourselves. I'll give you me word dat I won't fall off the wagon." I was sitting on the bed because they were letting me go that day.

I put my arms around him and we held each other a bit. So the next day as hard as it was, I went through my things in the flat. I packed and Phil had it all shipped to his home in California. I took the cross I got him and put it around my neck. The rest of everything Joe was going to handle.