please, don't

I'm unhappy

After that conversation in the car, Felix acted like everything was okay.

And I tried my best not to think much of it. He probably didn't mean to hurt me with his words. He never hurts anyone. Definitely not me.

That's what he always said. Or, used to say.

'I never want to hurt you, Hyunjin.'

The words still echo in my mind.

"And you zoned out again."

When I came back to my senses, I noticed that the car had come to another stop and that he was looking at me.

He's done that so many times today.

"I'm sorry."

I heard him sigh.

"Seriously, Jinnie. Since when do you hide stuff from me? If something is troubling you, tell me. Or....is it someone?"

I know what he was trying to imply.

I looked at him, putting my hand on his and giving him a small smile.

"Exactly, Lix. If something is bothering me, I'll tell you. But I promise I'm fine. It's just......work. And now it is not about me, so you don't have to think of me too much."

Or maybe do.

Maybe I want you to think of me.

Even a little.

He didn't look that convinced, but I couldn't get myself to say anything else. I was tired of trying to convince people that I am fine.

"We should get out of the car, I brought you here to show you something."

"Sure."

Even though I was very tired from shopping for the past few hours, I couldn't bring myself to say no when he asked to take me somewhere.

I was never able to decline anything he asked for.

I was never able to decline anything they asked for.

When I stepped out of the car, I didn't expect to be faced with a house.

I didn't know what I was expecting him to show me.

But now, standing in front of this well- built house, I kinda have an idea where this is going.

"So, what do you think?"

I could feel him standing behind me.

Too close, I wanted to tell him. But I didn't.

"I'm quite confused."

No, I'm not. I just wanted him to prove me wrong.

I wanted him to tell me that it's not what I'm thinking.

I just wanted him to say anything.

"It's our house! I wanted to show you the house that Ryujin and I will be living in!"

He sounded so......happy.

And he should be. I mean it's his wedding house. It's normal that he's happy.

And as his best friend I should be happy for him.

And I am, really!

"Let's get you inside."

I forgot to answer him, so he probably brushed it off as me zoning out again.

It's not like I forgot, I just didn't know what to say.

So I just let him pull me with him to the inside of the house.

And, well, I wished I asked him to take me back home earlier.

Cause today was just too much for me.

And this is not helping.

"Wow."

"So? Did I do a good job?"

"I- Lix, this is......I don't even know what to say. It's beautiful!"

It's more than beautiful.

It looks just like you.

"Well, I'm glad you liked it. That means Ryu is probably gonna like it, too."

"But I don't understand. If you had everything ready, why did you ask me to come with you?"

He handed me a drink that I didn't see him pull from the fridge, and pulled me with him to sit on the couch.

He had everything ready.

It's like he planned it.

"I just wanted to spend some time with you, and I had a feeling that if I just asked to hang out, you'd say no. So I thought using my girlfriend as an excuse was a great idea. You've always had a soft spot for her."

I've always had a soft spot for both of you.

You just never noticed.

"I guess you're right."

He laughed a bit before turning his head to stare at me again.

I kept roaming my eyes around the house, refusing to look at him.

It felt like too much.

"Don't you have questions for me?"

I do, actually.

Why are you like this?

Why do you make it so hard for me?

What do you want from me?

"I'm not really sure."

I wasn't sure if I'm hallucinating, but I felt him inch closer.

It's not helping.

He's really not helping.

"Don't you want to know why we decided to get married?"

I do want to know.

But I'm scared the answer will only hurt me even more.

"You and Ryujin are in love. You've been dating for a decade. It's only normal for you to end up married."

They are in love.

It was only normal for them to end up married.

But what if I don't like normal?

What if I didn't want it to end up looking like this?

"And you're okay with that?"

His question made me panic.

I looked at him, and my eyes were slightly wider than usual.

Did.....did he notice?

I don't think so. I've had this act for years since they started dating. It's not fair if he finally figures it out.

Not now.

Not when it's too late.

"Well? Are you okay with us getting married, Hyunjin?"

He asks again, and I gulp.

I'm not really sure what to say.

I can't even find my voice.

I'm scared that anything I'll say won't be of good help.

"Of- of course I am, Felix. Why wouldn't I be?"

Liar

Liar

Liar

He looked at me more closely this time.
It's like he was studying me, looking for any clue that'll give off that I'm lying.

He raised his eyebrows slightly, and for a moment, I was scared that he figured me out.

But then he laughed.

"I don't know, I just wanted to hear your thoughts about this. It's good that you approve of us."

I don't.

I really, really don't.