please, don't

It's so hot.

It feels so hot.

It's like someone was on top of me.

Making it hard for me to breathe.

I slowly opened my eyes, though I really didn't want to.

I liked the peace and quiet that engulfed my mind.

"Rise and shine sunshine!"

That sounded awfully familiar.

When my eyes adjusted to the light, I noticed a girls figure hovering over me.

I looked at the side, and Yeji was here too, though she seemed so annoyed.

"What - what are you doing here?"

She giggled before backing off so I could sit up.

"Sorry, oppa, I tried to tell her that you didn't want visitors, but she just couldn't stomach it."

Yeah, Yeji was so annoyed.

"Hyunjinnie, you were not picking up your phone, and I got worried that you might bail on me! You won't, right? You won't leave your best friend on her wedding day!"

Right.

It was today.

I thought if I slept the whole day, I won't feel it.

Maybe it'll pass without me having to go through the pain.

But she had to remind me. She had to remind me that today is her day. That today, she'll be officially having him all to herself.

She had to remind me that it's her and not me.

"Right, about that........Ryujinnie, I'm not sure if I'll be able to make it."

Don't look at me like that.

Don't make me the bad guy.

Don't make me hurt you.

"W - what? But.....why? Did something happen? Did you fight with Lix? Is that why he's upset, too?"

He's upset? Why would he be upset? It's not like it meant anything. It's not like I kissed him. It's not like he's the one hiding his feelings.

"No.....we didn't fight."

"Then please, Jinnie? Try showing up for me. Even for a little."

◇◇◇

It feels like a lump is stuck in my throat.

Why did it have to end like this? Why did it have to be me that lost in the end? What does she have that I dont ? Why couldn't he love me instead?

Why do I have to get hurt every time?

Why do they have to be happy while I sit here drinking my ass off?

Why couldn't it be me?

Is it so bad for me to be selfish for once?

Is it so bad that I wanted him for myself?

I felt like I wanted to yell, I wanted to scream, to pull my hair out and to fucking punch him in the face for how stupid he is for making things harder for me.

So I did.

I yelled.

I screamed.

But I couldn't bring myself to hate him.

◇◇◇

What am I doing?

How did I end up here?

Why do I suddenly not want this to happen?