Song For Dolores

Chapter 18

What is life good for? These thoughts going through my mind whether I should be happy or by the expression on my face, sad. I want to stay inside all day and never even take a breath of the open air. I am just trying to put things together and see why James doesn't want to be with me. I mean as a friend of course. I need to get this off my mind, maybe a drink?

I grab my fake ID, for which I have had for a very long time. James knew this person that did all of these fake ID's and I also think sold pot.
I grab money from this wooden box under my bed. I have no idea where I might be going, but I just need something to stop overthinking about stupid stuff. Again I can't decide with stuff I want to stay inside all day for the rest of my life, but I also want to go out to probably distract my mind from focusing on all of these things at once.

Walking out the door made me feel so guilty because I am going to make my emotions go away with drinking. I need to see my friend maybe she will help me and comfort me and help me see the good side in not being friends with James. I don't even have a car or a bike. Where was I even going to go. Have I lost my mind? Why so young? Still I need to go out somehow and get some fresh air of some happiness left in the world.

I walk with my head down and mumble my words as I feel the chills around my face. I feel as if I have nothing to do as I walk this empty street. My surroundings consist of a bunch of trees and the beautiful green grass. You need to go out and do something good to yourself that you will feel proud of, I thought. Every lover surrounds me in this park and here I walk with nothing, but shame written all over my face. From a far I watch this old woman who looks as if she has been sitting there for hours trying to find something that will amaze her eyes. Her neck was covered by her scarf and her smile will slowly fade away as the couples pass her sight. It is like seeing myself in the future, alone and vulnerable. No one to care about, nor love anybody. I can almost be positively sure that this is me in the future, feeding ducks as they are the only living thing that will ever want me. I felt a tear drop on my hand and had not realized I was crying from the start. I see her get up slowly with the help of her cane and I immediately turn around and wipe the tears off with my sweater.

The lake is beautiful, shiny, and quite pleasant to watch. The touch of the cold metal of the bench gave me goosebumps on my hand. I get up and walk towards the lake. I look at the hideous person I become, someone who almost broke an almost married couple, made someone who I truly needed hate me, and also for being an absolute maniac. I take the fake ID card I had in my pocket , grab the lighter I had sitting there in my pocket. I held the card up and stared at the rebellious me smiling from above. I can not even look at myself the same, I light the lighter up and pushed it against the corner of the card. I watch as the plastic slowly came to the corner of my thumb, I dropped it in the beautiful pond. I lay down on the grass and watch the sky. I see things that I never thought I could imagine. The bit of sun was blocked from a shadow, my heart races. "Hey there!" I get up and pick my lighter up and stuff it in my pockets. I walk a few inches away from the this strange person ahead of me. "Hello there. Do I know you?" I reply, but in his voice I hear an accent, almost like someone from England. He puts away his map that was in his back pocket. "Well, I here don't know where I am and this park intrigues me, but I wonder why such a beautiful girl like you is here along with pigeons around her." He chuckles. I smile by his comment and look up. "Mm maybe I can help you get around , but one question." "Go for it!" He said and got a little closer to me. "Why are you in my country you foreigner?" I laughed a little too much when I asked, I tried to make my voice appear as an old grumpy lady. "Whoa! Okay then, I will be glad to answer. I am on a school trip looking at the architecture here, that's what I have been doing lately, traveling and discovering the fascinating buildings each country has to offer." The response kind of shocked me there. "Wow! In my school we don't go too far it is more like going to an opera or something." He smiles and replies, "Well what type of college is that? Well I mean what did you choose to study?" I almost choked on my saliva when he said college. Does that make him in college, oh no I can not be involved with another older guy. He is awaiting for an answer. "Umm, I am so sorry, but can you find someone else to help you I would probably be the worst choice around here." I turn around and walk away. "Hey! You forgot something!" I look back and it was the sweater I had also along with my wallet. "Thanks." I take a long look at him and know for sure I will never see his face. Never will, once I walk away from him.