Survival Instinct // Namkook

chapter 33 - Namjoon's suffering

Namjoon had been drifting through the day like a ghost, his body moving automatically through the motions of scavenging, but his mind was stuck in the past. He hadn’t expected to run into Yoongi again, not after everything that had happened between them. It felt surreal, almost like a dream—a painful, twisted dream that he couldn’t wake up from.

His thoughts drifted back to simpler times, long before the world had crumbled into this dystopian nightmare. He could still remember the sound of Yoongi’s laughter, the way they used to race each other through the narrow streets of their neighborhood, out of breath but grinning ear to ear. They were inseparable back then, two kids who thought the world was theirs for the taking.

Those were good memories. Happy memories. They’d shared everything—secrets, fears, dreams. Yoongi had always been the quieter one, but when they were alone, he’d open up, and Namjoon had always been there to listen, to understand. They’d talked about their futures, about what they’d do when they were older, when they had the chance to leave their small town behind and make something of themselves.

But all of that had changed the moment the world started falling apart.

Namjoon’s jaw clenched as he remembered those early days of the apocalypse. Chaos had erupted so fast, and survival became the only thing that mattered. They’d joined a gang shortly after things got really bad. It wasn’t ideal, but it was better than trying to make it on their own, better than starving. They’d done what they had to do—stealing, fighting, whatever it took to stay alive.

Yoongi had always been more reluctant when it came to the gang’s brutal methods. He had a family to worry about—his parents, his younger brother—and he was desperate to keep them alive. Namjoon remembered how Yoongi had stolen from the gang’s supplies, taking food and medicine back to his family. It had been a huge risk, but Yoongi wasn’t the type to let his loved ones suffer if he could help it.

The problem was, the boss had found out.

Namjoon’s grip tightened on the piece of metal he was idly turning in his hand as the memory flooded back. He could still see the look on Yoongi’s face when the boss confronted him—pure terror. The boss had planned to make an example out of Yoongi, to send a message to the rest of the gang. But Namjoon couldn’t let that happen. He’d always been protective of Yoongi, always felt this fierce need to keep him safe.

So Namjoon had done the unthinkable. He’d killed the boss.

It wasn’t something Namjoon liked to think about often. He didn’t regret saving Yoongi’s life, but that decision had come at a cost. The gang had turned on him after that, and Namjoon had been forced to flee. He hadn’t had time to say a proper goodbye to Yoongi. Although he was right there with him when he ran the metal bar through the bosses head, they hadn't really spoken any words since that. He’d just… vanished.

That’s how their paths had parted.

Namjoon had always assumed that Yoongi had understood why he had to leave, why he couldn’t stay. He’d thought that their bond, their friendship, would be enough to survive the distance, that they would eventually find each other again. But the Yoongi he’d seen last night was a stranger—cold, calculating, and worse, threatening.

It hurt in ways Namjoon hadn’t expected. He never thought Yoongi would turn his back on him like that.

The way Yoongi had spoken to him—there was no warmth, no recognition of the bond they used to share. It was all business, all suspicion. The man had treated him like any other intruder, like a threat. And Namjoon couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe, in Yoongi’s eyes, he was a threat now. Maybe the years had changed them both too much.

The more Namjoon thought about it, the more his heart ached. His old friend had been one of the most important people in his life, and now it felt like they were on opposite sides of a battle they didn’t even choose to fight. It left a bitter taste in Namjoon’s mouth, a heavy weight in his chest that he couldn’t shake.

He hadn’t told Jungkook or J-Hope much about what Yoongi meant to him. He wasn’t even sure how to explain it. How do you tell someone that the person you trusted most in the world is now someone you can barely recognize? That the person who once had your back without question is now a potential enemy?

Namjoon’s thoughts were swirling, each memory a jagged edge that cut deeper the more he lingered on it. He hadn’t expected to see Yoongi again, and now that he had, all it had done was reopen old wounds—wounds that hadn’t fully healed, even after all these years.

As he walked, his eyes occasionally drifted to Jungkook, who was still searching the rubble with his usual energy, and J-Hope, who was keeping up the mood although clearly uncomfortable around Namjoon. Normally, Namjoon would be more mindful, more aware of their surroundings, more focused on their survival. But today… today his mind was too clouded to focus on anything else.

For the first time in a long while, Namjoon felt vulnerable. It wasn’t a feeling he was used to, and he hated it. He had to be strong, for Jungkook, for their survival. But the memories of Yoongi wouldn’t leave him alone. They clung to him, suffocating him, reminding him of what he’d lost and what he might never get back.

Jungkook’s voice brought him out of his thoughts. He was asking about their next move, his voice filled with that usual optimism that Namjoon had grown so used to.

Namjoon didn’t have an answer, at least not a good one. He was still too caught up in the past, too focused on what had gone wrong with Yoongi. He just hoped that, somehow, they’d make it through this city, and maybe, just maybe, he’d find a way to fix what had broken between him and his oldest friend.

But as the day wore on, Namjoon wasn’t so sure that was even possible anymore.