Survival Instinct // Namkook

chapter 42 - memories of the past

In the evening the three of them gathered in the dimly lit room that had once been a classroom, the old school building now serving as their temporary shelter. The day had been long, but they got some food from the gang again and now settled into an almost comfortable silence. Jungkook stretched out on one of the dusty mattresses, Namjoon nearby, while J-Hope leaned against the wall, lost in thought.

After a few minutes of the quiet settling in, Jungkook finally broke it. "So, J-Hope... how was your day? You went off on your own for a while."

J-Hope glanced up, snapping out of his daze. He offered a small smile, clearly appreciative that Jungkook was trying to make conversation. "It was... nice, actually," he started, hesitating for a moment as he looked between the two of them. "I went to the farm. It was peaceful, petting the animals and just... being away from everything for a bit."

Jungkook nodded, curious. "Sounds like a good break."

"It was," J-Hope agreed. But then his smile faded slightly, and he leaned forward, his voice dropping to a whisper. "I actually need to tell you guys something..." He looked in vary to Namjoon who raised an eyebrow, looking at him suspiciously. He didn't know how he would react to J-Hope talking badly about his old friend, however he felt the need to inform them nevertheless.

"I don't mean to badmouth Suga or anything...but something happened... something crazy!" he started, eyeing Namjoon again. But as the man only looked at him curiously he kept on going. "I saw him at the farm... he shot one of his own guys!"

Jungkook’s eyes widened, sitting up straighter. "What? Why?"

J-Hope shook his head, his expression serious. "Some argument, I don’t even know what it was about. But Suga didn’t hesitate, didn’t flinch. He just... pulled the trigger like it was nothing. The guy dropped dead right in front of me."

The room fell into a heavier silence, Jungkook clearly disturbed by what he heard. His gaze flicked over to Namjoon, who surprisingly chuckled softly, a humorless sound that made the hairs on the back of Jungkook’s neck stand up.

"You're shocked?" Namjoon asked, his voice low, almost amused. "Yoongi's been like that even back in the days. Back when we were younger, we ran with a gang. Killing was just... part of it. You learn to shut it off, not feel anything."

Jungkook stared at him, confused. "But... you’re not like that. I mean, I know you’ve had to do things, but you’re not as cold as he is."

Namjoon sighed, his eyes distant, as if recalling memories he’d rather not bring up. "I’ve done things, Jungkook. Things I’m not proud of. You can’t survive in a world like this without getting blood on your hands. I tried to hold on to something—some part of myself that wasn’t lost to all the killing.
I keep reminding myself to savor every life, so I just kill when it's really necessary. But I guess in that matter Yoongi... he’s different. It seems he shut it all off, let it go, and now, it doesn’t seem to bother him at all."

J-Hope shifted uncomfortably, listening to Namjoon speak so casually about life and death. "So... you’re saying Yoongi’s just... used to killing?"

"Yeah," Namjoon said, his tone dark but calm. "We both are. It’s not like we wanted it, but we did what we had to. You kill to survive, but at some point, it stops feeling like survival and just becomes routine." He glanced at Jungkook, a shadow passing over his features. "I’m not proud of it, but at least I still try to find meaning in savouring lives. Yoongi... I don’t know. It seems like he’s lost that."

Jungkook swallowed, the weight of Namjoon’s words settling heavily on him. He had known this world was brutal, that Namjoon had done things to keep them safe, but hearing it so plainly still shook him.

"I don’t get how you can just... switch that off," Jungkook muttered, more to himself than anyone else.

Namjoon gave a bitter smile. "You’d be surprised at what you can switch off when you don’t have a choice."

J-Hope shivered slightly, feeling the coldness of the situation settle in deeper. He had always considered himself lucky for not being directly involved in the bloodier aspects of survival, and now, hearing Namjoon talk about it so easily, it made him question everything. Sure, they were in a dangerous world, but the ease with which Namjoon spoke of killing chilled him.

"Yoongi’s different now," Namjoon continued, staring at the ground. "I can see it in his eyes. The world did something to him... twisted him in a way. He’s not the same person I knew. But that story you just told does —even if it might sound odd —seem just like the old Yoongi I knew."

Jungkook’s brow furrowed, worry gnawing at him. "Do you think he’s dangerous? I mean, to us?"

Namjoon paused for a moment, thinking. "I don’t know. Yoongi used to have a strong sense of loyalty. But it did surprise me how he greeted us on our first day, so now? I can’t say for sure."

The room went quiet again, the tension thickening as they all absorbed the gravity of the conversation. Namjoon’s words carried a weight none of them could shake. Yoongi, once Namjoon’s best friend, had become someone they couldn’t fully trust.

J-Hope, feeling the heaviness of the situation, exhaled slowly. "I just don’t get how anyone could live like that... killing so easily. Even if it’s survival, how do you keep going?"

Namjoon met his eyes, his expression harder than usual. "You don’t think. You just do what has to be done. And when there’s no one left to save, or nothing left to fight for... maybe you stop caring. Maybe that’s what happened to him."

Jungkook stared at Namjoon, worry etched into his features, wondering if the same thing happened to the man he had grown to trust so deeply.

---

Oh, what's that? Is that Joonie sharing personal stuff about his past? He is growing so soft for Kookie... (⁠*⁠´⁠ω⁠｀⁠*⁠)