Curveball- Strike Zone Series Book two

Chapter 18

Chapter 18

Kayleigh

      The sun is just rising over the city. Sitting alone on the dark beach this is a view I don't have to share. There isn't a soul around yet. It's quiet, and peaceful, and I get to see the sunrise from the beach before the rest of the world wakes.

      I chose to walk the surf last night and stay away from everyone and any media I might see. I don't want to know what happened after I left the game. I needed to be alone to sort out my thoughts. I've got a lot to think about. I've been through a lot in my life and since getting here, I've been pushed out of my comfort zone, over and over again. It's harder than I expected it to be but I've come through being a better person.

      My thoughts have been bouncing between what Nate has said to me, how he's treated me, what he's done, and what Carla claims to be true about Nate. They contradict each other in every aspect. I have gotten so confused about what I should do.

      What do I want? I need to figure that out. Neither of them have asked me what I want. I've been accused by Carla, and Nate has told me what he wants but neither asked how I feel.

      How do I feel?

     I'm in love with a man who is so gentle and kind, giving and selfless. He's sensitive to my fears and I know he honestly doesn't want to hurt me. I don't think he has meant to. I think he's limited on what he's able to give because he's set boundaries for himself and doesn't know how to adjust them. Nate is giving me what he can right now, it's just a question of whether it's enough for me.

       I have to figure out what my own heart wants. Do I settle for what he can give me or do I hold out for what I deserve. I think he's trying to go slower for me. He doesn't want to get hurt either. I think Carla has hurt him a lot, just because of who she is and how she takes him for granted. Nate's trust is fragile due to Carla and her blackmail. He doesn't feel he can trust me. But I wouldn't do that to him.

     I'm in love with Nate.

     Not because of what he's done for me, not for his money and fame, but for who he is inside. His good nature and humor makes me smile. I look forward to seeing him everyday and hearing his voice. The way he kisses me and sends butterflies fluttering inside my stomach, it's all exciting and powerful. Addicting, Nate is addictive.

     Standing up, I brush the sand from my butt and watch the tide roll out. As the sky lightens from a dark purple to a light blue, people are starting to come out for the day. The world has continued spinning, without a worry of what happened in my world. I've never been good at speaking my feelings. I don't know if I want to see Nate's face when I tell him what I've decided. But I have to do what's best for me now. I can't settle for less.

     I came here for a fresh start. I drove across the country to get away from my past and find my future. I made this decision knowing I would be challenging myself and pushing my barriers. I need to lower my walls, learn to trust, and let people in. Determining for myself what's best for me and who should be left behind isn't an easy choice.

     Last night was a big night of reflection for me. In my life, my relationships with the families I was placed with and my relationship with Nate, I have determined I'm doing better than I was. I'm standing on my own two feet. I've been knocked down, pushed around, abused and I'm still standing. I am strong and capable. I am able to pick myself up and move on as a better person for what I've had to do.

      Nate saw the pain I've endured and stood by me. He's done everything he can to help me, to help me get back up and he loves me. I have a choice to accept what he's offered or run away again.