Long Hard Road Out Of Hell (Marilyn Manson) ON HOLD

Lamb Of God

After Dita had bought me ice cream we walked on the peer and went on some fair rides and that cheered me up a lot, but now it was 23:30 and I was sat on my bed with tears streaming down my face as I thought of every sad thing that had ever happened to me. I get in these states sometimes, and they're really difficult to get out of. It was weird because earlier tonight I'd been fine. Nayana had messaged me and I spoke to her for hours, turns out she loves In This Moment too, which is great. I've never met that many people who like In This Moment, or have even heard of them.

Not only that, but she had actually gotten in to the modelling company, but turned it down in front of all of the girls. When I asked her why, she told me it was because she wasn't going to work for an organisation that would discriminate someone so harshly on their unchangeable physical features and instead encourage people, especially teenagers, to embrace them. Apparently her speech made seven other girls drop out as well.

See, this should have made me happy, which it did for a short while, but suddenly all these crushing emotions just fell on top of me. Something was missing, I knew it was, but I couldn't figure out what. I was thinking of calling Jenny or Kendall, but I was worried I'd wake them up or be a burden to them, so I spent the next 3 hours laying on my bed and getting the pillow wet with tears. Eventually I came around and shouted at myself inside my head for being so pathetic and weak, but even though I'd finally stopped crying, there was still a gaping hole inside me.

I don't know what made me realise, but something did. It was Marilyn. He hadn't called me in a month or so and I was desperately missing him, however when I thought of old memories to try and make myself feel better, I'd get angry at the fact he hadn't fucking called me in a month or so. I decided to throw all of my anxious thoughts out of the window and called him. I put my phone to my ear with a shaking hand and waited patiently for him to pick up, each dial tone making me more nervous than the rest. I let out a cry of annoyance and disappointment as I heard the generic answer phone speech. I was about to hang up, but I decided on leaving him a message. Hopefully it would make him feel bad and actually remember to check up on me.

"Hi Marilyn, it's me," I said after the tone, sniffing as I tried not to cry for the thousandths time today. "I thought I'd update you on what's been going on around here. Um, it turns out my friends go to school durning summer, though I don't mind it, it's fun. Dita's been really nice and I've really taken to her. I hope your proud, these things aren't easy for me. Also, I entered a model try out, but they uh, they turned me down for..." I paused and sniffed again. Hopefully when he listened to this he could tell how emotional I was. "Uh, for reasons. But anyway, the point is... I really want to hear from you. I know you're on tour and it must be busy but, please can you take the time to call me back? I, uh... I really need you." I ended the call and buried my head in the pillow and tried to fall asleep before I cried. Again.

***

Marilyn's POV

"Oh, fuck Marilyn!" Lindsay moaned as I banged her again. I'd lost count after the twelfth time.

Sometimes I felt guilty. I felt like I was cheating on Dixie, but then I remember she's my adoptive daughter and therefore doesn't affect my relationships, but I can't shake the feeling I'm doing something I shouldn't. I'm not sure why I'm even shagging Lindsay to start with. All I know is that right before I was leaving for Download Festival she came back to me on her hands and knees, begging for me to take her back, so I stupidly accepted without a second thought. We'd been friends ever since we broke up back in January, but it wasn't the same. Plus, when you have had sex in 5 months you start to become pretty desperate. The only thing was, I expected her to only tag along with me for Download, but no, she's still with me, over a month later. It's not as if Lindsay is bad, she isn't, and I'm not afraid to say I've missed her, and there's still a part of me that loves her, but I don't think we'd ever be able to go back to how it was, and I don't think I want a committed relationship,which is exactly what she wants. Things have changed so much since we were last together.

I pulled out before I came because she refused to let me wear a condom, apparently it makes the experience less enjoyable, and there was no way I was risking getting Lindsay pregnant. I already have a child, thank you.

"Just like old times." She said with a smirk, pulling her dress back on. I didn't answer, only nodded. I felt so fucking guilty and ashamed, I just couldn't figure out why. I'm not in a relationship, so I don't have to worry about hurting anyone's feelings, I'm a grown man who can make his own decisions and the decisions I'm making aren't wrong, so why am I feeling so bad about it?

I grabbed my jeans from the floor and my phone fell from the pocket. I picked it up and saw I had a miss call from Dixie on the 5th of July, which was yesterday. Fuck. That was it. I hadn't called her in... I don't even know how long. Oh Jesus Christ, she must hate me.

"Lindsay, I have to call Dixie. You can stay if you really want." I said with a hint of discretion to hopefully make her pick up the hint I wanted her to leave.

"Who's Dixie?" She asked defensively, sitting up and frowning at me.

"My daughter." I said bluntly.

"Oh. Yeah." She mumbled, looking down. Damn, she was lovely but Jesus, was she jealous.

I stepped outside the hotel room and listened to the answer message and I swear to god I nearly broke down there and then. She sounded so fucking sad, it made me just want to hug her and never let go. I called her back as soon as the answer message was over and she picked up within three dial tones.

"Marilyn?" She said hopefully. I could hear Lamb Of God in the background.

"Yeah Dixie, it's me."

"Jesus fuck!" She shouted, her voice breaking. "Where the fuck have you been? Do you know how much I've missed you, you bastard!" I could hear she was crying and I felt so guilty it was unbelievable. And I was about to make it ten times worse by lying through out the entire conversation.

"I'm so sorry, I've been so busy I've had barely any time to do anything other than perform and sleep. I wasn't ignoring you and I definitely didn't forget about you, I just had no time." Wow Marilyn, you literally pulled that whole sentence out of your ass. I knew I was making the situation worse than it had to be by lying, especially if Dixie found out, but it was almost as if, if I didn't say it out loud, it wasn't really happening and therefore I didn't have anything to feel guilty about when I inevitably leave Lindsay at the end of my tour.

"Ugh, it's fine. I know you've been busy and I should've known. Sorry."

"Don't you dare apologise." I said to her sternly. "You've nothing to apologise for, it's been me that's been the dick. Now, why don't you tell me what's happened since I've been gone?"

Dixie then went into detail about a load of stuff that had happened, her making friends, recording and producing music, someone who they all call Miss Playboy, their 4th of July party and her modelling try out. I got so angry when she told me why they turned her down. Way to lower her self confidence even more.

"Oh, before I go, I uh, thought I might tell you something," she said uncertainly. "I'm not sure if this is appropriate but I know if I don't tell you now, you'll never know."

"You can tell me, what ever it is. You know that right? You can tell me anything."

"Yeah, I know," I heard her sigh and then she said something that made my heart feel like it was about to come out of my mouth. "I think Dita misses you."

A/N
Drama omg.
Obviously the whole Marilyn and Lindsay thing is completely made up, well, as far as I know it is, but it's funny because I have a plot for the story and I'm not listening to it at all and I'm going completely off track whoops. This'll mean serious rearranging.
I don't really know why I wrote this chapter, I was bored and then this happened. Hopefully it's not too crap.
Picture of Nayana on the side.
<3