Eternally Ours

54- She's Not Okay

The doctors have cleared me to go home today, I tried to make sure that I could just get Jack to pick me up with no fuss but since my grandparents have made a huge donation to the new Smith wing of the hospital they have all been made aware of every detail of my wellbeing. Everyone is staying at my grandparents including Jack and Freddie, everyone wanting to stay together during this and that's where I am headed right now. My Dad is driving with my Mum in the front seat and me and Jack sitting in the back, I have his hand wrapped tightly in mine as now I am leaving the hospital and taking the first step into the real world again outside of the hospital wall, I am also taking a step into reality and the reality of Annie not being here anymore. I have spoke to Harry on the phone briefly a few times but that is about it, he hasn't eft his room and is still refusing to see anyone. 

The car journey feels like it is going on forever filled with many questions being fired my way by both parents about am I sure I feel strong enough to come home, if I am really fine and I just answer everyone of them as I have done for the last few days and Jack squeezes my hand each time. I love him for knowing what I need and when I need it. When we pull into the carpark under the apartment and walk through the lobby Gregory offers his usual politeness. 

"Miss Emily, can I just say on behalf of all the staff here we are unbelievable relieved to hear of your recovery and may I offer my sincere sympathy for the loss of Miss Annie, she was a lovely person and will be sorely missed by all. I am truly sorry for your loss." He looks sad as he tells me this and that is the first slap in the face, he didn't mean it but I'm sure I am going to get a lot of this because Annie is dead and the reality of that is just like someone is twisting the knife. But I paint on a face and offer him some kind of routine response because what do people expect you to say in this moment? 

Once we are in the apartment everyone is sitting around in the living room, my grandmother in a  lounge suit, something that is very unlike her, she normally has her self complexity put together but she has no make-up on and her bob is pulled into a small ponytail behind her head. My grandfather is sat next to her on the sofa wearing just jeans and a t-shirt not his normal suit and they all look exhausted, I mean they did every time they came in to visit me in the hospital but I feel this emended sense of guilt about it all. I am wearing a tracksuit too and I kind of feel like a blur as everyone gives em very long hugs and we make small talk about how I am feeling but all I want to do is go up to Harry's room and see him, speaking on the phone to him wasn't enough I need to see him and make sure that he is eating something. So I quickly dismiss myself everyone knowing exactly where I am heading, I take a few sandwiches with me that had been made when I got there and take the lift up to his room, to exhausted to take the stairs. 

When I knock on the locked door I don't get an answer. I wait a few more seconds before knocking again, "Mum, please just leave me alone!" He calls out and my heart breaks for him all over again. "It's Emily," I sheepishly calls out and I am met with more silence. The lock clicks then,  and Harry reveals himself standing there looking every bit on the mess on the outside as I am sure he is on the inside, the dark circles highlighted under his eyes the main contributor but the stubble on his chin and his jaw being another.

"You're home." He sates the tiniest ghost of a smile on his lips but it was nothing to contend with the sorrow in his eyes. 

"I got back about half an hour ago." I tell him and her immediately wraps his arms around me. We walk into his room and the bed is unmade and he has some clothes thrown over the chair by his desk. "Have you eaten?" I ask him but I already know the answer, he looks like he has lost some weight.

"I'm not hungry." He bluntly answers but I still thrust the sandwiches at him anyway, which he makes no attempt to take from me. "Harry you need to eat. Please, for me eat something." He then reluctantly takes the sandwiches from me and starts to eat.