Without You

1

Everyone believes in fate.

Everyone believes in a greater light or force. everyone just believes.

That's what everyone has in common.

We just believe.

But the things we believe in are meaningless in the end, they hold no real truth they fight no real battles, and we're all lost in the current we call life, in a lifestyle we call friendly, in a prison we call home.

But what is this all truly for, what are we doing all this for?

People say things happen for a reason.

I think that's bullshit.

Only thing I can think about right now is being there for him holding him even though he says he doesn't want me here. even though he yells at me I still love him. when he cries, when yells out all his insecurities when he says things to hurt my feelings, I know he doesn't mean it, I know he's hurting but doesn't know how to express it, I know all of these things but still I'm going to be here for him, because that's what friends are for. I will always be with him.

No matter what.

"Azriel," I whisper his name, and he slowly looks up at me. I crouch down in front of him, "Are you okay?" he nods slowly wiping his tears. "I'm fine." he tries to stand up but loses his balance, so I grab onto his arm for support, but he shakes me off.

I try to ignore the sting in my heart.

"We can go back to my pl-"

"I said I'm fine, I'm not going anywhere." he starts to walk out the room, but I grab his arm and pull him back.

"Don't go, it's not safe."

"What do you know about safe?" He says angrily. "I told you to leave me alone." he yanks my grip off him and swings open the bedroom door and heads downstairs. I follow after him watching him weave through the crowds of people. the music is loud, and people start dancing making it harder for me to get to him.

I watch as he walks in the kitchen, and I finally get through the people and see him in the kitchen downing a cup of water.

"Azriel," I say slightly out of breath. "We need to go home." he rolls his eyes and slams his cup down on the counter before heading down to the basement.

"Dammit."

I follow after him he takes the stairs two at a time. "Azriel wait." he plops down onto the couch next to three guys with shaggy blond hair. "Azriel please." he grabs a cigarette and looks at me while lightening it. the other guys watch me with raised eyebrows.

"We need to get out of here."

"I'm not going anywhere with you haven't I made that clear already?"

I look back at the guys who started whispering to each other. "It's not safe here." he lets out a short laugh and blows smoke from the cigarette. "It's not safe anywhere." he says.

I squeeze my eyes shut.

Never give up

My mom's voice ring in my ears.

"Either you're coming with me or I'm going to drag you out of here myself.

He stands up and walks over to me making me take a step back. "What did I tell you Amore? we're over, whatever we had" he motions between us. "Is over." I feel tears sting my eyes and I take a deep breath.

He doesn't mean it Amore, I remind myself, he's just drunk. "Leave already." one of the blond hair guys say from the couch I look back at Azriel silently pleading with him to come with me. he shakes his head walks back over to the couch and sits down.

I clench my fists together and sit beside him.

"Fine, I'll leave when you leave." he looks at me his green eyes staring straight at my brown ones. he leans closer to me and I feel my breath hitch. "Leave, Amore, you don't wanna see me when I'm mad."

"I'll take a chance."

"Are we gonna get high or what?" A blond hair guy says. Azriel looks away from me and towards him and nods his head.

I close my eyes.

You will get him out of here everything will be okay.

I play with the sleeves of my shirt and watch him. I can't believe this is happening, it feels like it was just yesterday I went to his backyard to ask if he wanted to play, we were going to be friends forever. and I mean forever, nothing was going to separate us, not death.

And definitely not life.

I can hear his laugh as if he's on cloud nine.

Drugs.

The cause of many deaths, deaths of teenagers.

I don't know how he got himself into this situation, how he messed himself up. I should have been there when he left for the summer, with friends. so called friends.

I don't let myself get wrapped up in anyone of anything too much. I know the only end is destruction.

Never make someone or something to much of a priority.

My father says to me, everyone has their problems no matter how good they are at hiding it, no matter how bright their smile is, no matter how beautiful, no matter how caring or loving or understanding they seem to be. behind that fake exterior is a pained person, is a broken heart is a lost soul.

The saying fake it til you make it was everyone goes by now and days. I try my best to stay myself, I try my best not to get wrapped up in it, I try my best not to let anyone else either, but it's so hard when it's what everyone knows.

You're taught not to do this you're taught not to act this way.

But we always do exactly what we're not supposed to, because we want 'free reign' I will let someone control life if it means in the end, I will not lose myself, I will lose my happiness for a moment if it means I will not lose myself in the end.

But people want to go through the pain of finding themselves there is nothing to find if you go out in the world to do it.

You never hear someone say they want to go through torment to find themselves you hear a different phrase let me be myself, let me go find myself, I'm experimenting, I can tell you now that person has never 'found' themselves if anything they lost themselves even more.

They lost what they already had in the beginning, and it was hope.

They lose what gets taken very easily.

He's hurting and he won't let me see him, he always told me that he would let me be there for him, he always said he would be there for me.

I'm the only one holding up my end of the bargain.

No matter what he says or no matter how many times he pushes me away I won't give up, I won't give up on someone who deserves to live, who deserves to see life through.

So, I sit here watching as he takes his drugs mentally and physically.

I sit here as he shoots himself up.

I sit here as he slowly fades.

I sit here as the light from his eyes darken.

I sit here as he passes out from exhaustion.

I am here, so I help him up.

I am here so I take him to my place.

I am here so I clean him up when he vomits.

I forgive him when he says he's sorry.

I forgive him when he says he didn't mean any of it.

I believe him when he says he's going to quit.

I believe him when he says he'll get help.

I believe him when he says it's his last time.

I love him even while he's hurting.

I love him, even when a part of me tells me I'll only get hurt.

He's something good.

All good things must come to an end.