Without You

15

The world is muffled, distant, as I crawl under the covers, burying my face into the pillow. Sleep feels like the only escape, the only thing left that's still mine.

The blanket is too hot. The night air too cold. But I lie there, tossing and turning, chasing the elusive comfort of sleep that refuses to come. When I finally drift off, it's not to peace.

I'm there again. Back in that place.

Alex's laugh echoes in the darkness. Aaron's voice, low. The weight of their hands, their breath, their presence pressing down on me, trapping me in the nightmare. The fear that paralyzed me is real once more. The suffocating feeling of helplessness, the terror, all of it flooding back in a flood of images I can't escape.

I try to scream, but my mouth is dry. No sound comes out. I try to move, to run, but my legs feel heavy, chained to the ground.

"Please, make it stop,"I beg silently.

I wake up with a start, gasping for air, my heart hammering in my chest. The darkness is suffocating. The silence is deafening. My sheets are tangled around me.

Tears spill down my face before I even realize they're there, my breath ragged and uneven as I pull myself into a sitting position. My chest tightens, the weight of everything crashing back in waves. I wipe my eyes, but they don't stop. I can't stop it.

I slide out of bed, the cold floor biting my bare feet. Without thinking, I get dressed and I grab my keys. 

I don't know why I need to drive. Maybe it's because I don't want to be here. Maybe it's because the night is dark, and I need to be swallowed by it. I need to feel somewhere else. Anywhere else.

The engine starts with a soft hum, and the wheels roll over the pavement, carrying me farther from everything, from everyone. The streets are empty.

It's just me.

And the silence.

I don't know how long I drive. 

I don't have an answer

 I don't have a plan.

 I just drive.

At some point, I pull over to the side of the road, my hands gripping the steering wheel as I rest my forehead against it.

My phone buzzes in my lap, and I blink at it, still disoriented. It's a message from Azriel he's probably checked on me after our conversation earlier. I don't want to bother him, but something inside me cracks at the thought of being alone. 

I press his name.

The phone rings, the sound soft in the night, until he answers.

"Amore?" His voice is raspy like he just woke up. 

I pause, suddenly unsure. "Did I wake you?"

Azriel yawns softly on the other end. "Nah, you didn't. What's up?"

I bite my lip, staring at the blurred world outside the car window. "Can I come over?"

There's a long silence. He's not asking questions, not yet, but I can hear him shift on his bed, his voice less muffled.

"Yeah. Sure. I'll be here." His hesitation is brief. "Is everything okay?"

I'm already halfway down the road again, heading toward his house, but I don't know what to say. 

"It's fine," I say, though my voice comes out quieter than I mean it to. It's a lie, but it's easier this way.

Azriel doesn't press, though.