Without You

7

We bonded in silence.

There were so many unspoken words between us, and we couldn't bring ourselves to make the first move, it felt weird...having him here, without him being drunk or high. unless he is now and he's doing a great job at hiding it.

"So," he says "I'm sorry about your sister, I really am." I close my eyes and shake my head. I have had enough pity the last few days at school.

People who never spoke to me before became so sorry for me and I hate it.

"Thanks," I mumble playing with the ends of my hoodie. 

He looks around my room staring at it as if it's the first time he's seen it. he stuffs his hands in his pockets and looks back at me.

"Are you okay?" he asks.

No, I'm not

I won't ever be

"I'm fine." I lie. I do it because if I say it long enough maybe I'll start believing it. 

He nods and sits down on my bed. 

He's nervous.

I can see it in the way he moves the way his eyes frantically search around my room he doesn't wanna be here, he'd rather be elsewhere. he pities me.

Of course he does

I sigh and sit down next to him staring at the bag of snacks next to his feet. "If you have somewhere you need to be you can go, ya know." he looks at me hesitantly as if he's choosing his next words carefully, he shakes his head and blows out a long breath. "No, I'm fine, I just, I umm...never been sober for this long."

It's only been a few hours

"Oh." I say because It's the only thing I can think of at the moment. "Well," I pick up a bag of skittles. "Let's get high off candy." he raises an eyebrow at the bag and then looks at me. "You can't get high off candy." I scoff. "Says who?"

"Says everyone actually," he mutters eyeing the bag. I shake it in front of his face making him roll his eyes and snatch it from me.

"Alright fine." he takes some out and gives me some. "How exactly do you get high off candy?"

I shrug and pop the candy in my mouth. "Just eat enough until you feel giddy and then sick. that's literally the definition of getting high."

"You're crazy." he says shaking his head.

I smile a little and stare down at my hands.

It's been so long since we've been together like this. I've missed us, I've missed him.

I miss my sister

I close my eyes and take a deep breath when I feel him grab my hand. 

"You sure you, okay?"

Don't lie

Don't lie

Don't lie

Don't lie

"Of course I'm not okay, I won't ever be because my sister is gone. my parents are breaking apart, Ella was the one who held us together. without her we won't make it." I shake my head feeling tears sting my eyes. "Dad's going to leave," My voice cracks. "I just know it, mom is getting drunk more often," I squeeze my hand around his. "Dad is barely fucking here anymore. it's just a matter of time before he makes it official."

"You don't know that" Azriel says making me look at him and drop his hand.

I should've lied

"Yes, I do know that! and you wanna know why? because every single day I'm forced to act like I'm okay, forced to go about my day while facing ones who hurt me, forced to face the ones who dance all over my sister's grave and come in my face saying their sorry. I have enough of everyone's bullshit."