Sometimes, accepting the truth can make everything better...
I came to this realization one morning after waking up and looking in the mirror. I discovered that the old me, who used to be strong, had become someone unrecognizable. Dark circles under my eyes, drooping eyebrows, a dull face, it's as if I had forgotten what self-care meant.
Doing the same things over and over again felt like obsessive-compulsive behavior. I really began to understand that it's pointless. No matter how much effort I put into searching, it seemed like Jom would never come back.
Or maybe I just had to accept that Jao-Jom was really gone...
I looked out the window of my apartment. While I was grieving, others were going on with their lives. The world kept turning. People might sympathize with me for a moment, but then they would forget and move on. Maybe I needed to hide this pain inside myself and keep living.
I couldn’t die…
Many times, my emotions made me want to leave this world. But then I thought, if I died and Jao-Jom came back, the one who would suffer the most would be her. Losing me would mean nothing to this world, but if Jao-Jom lost me…
Her world would fall apart, just like mine was now.
Since I couldn’t do anything, I had to wake up and be stronger. It wasn’t just Jao-Jom who had me; my mother, my brothers, and many people in the company still depended on me to move forward. With that thought, I got up, took a shower, got dressed, and adjusted my mindset to be better, waiting for the day Jao-Jom would return.
Yes… Jao-Jom would come back.
I went back to work, trying to keep myself as busy as possible to avoid overthinking. I drank alcohol occasionally to help me sleep better, but I wasn’t addicted. Lately, I’ve been having some stomach problems due to gastritis, since I sometimes forget to eat. So, the role of special nurse fell to my siblings, Miriam and Ong.
[Hey, have you eaten today?]
“...”
[You haven’t, have you? Ugh, why do you always make Ong and I worry? You weren’t this careless before.]
You’re complaining like Mom. Alright, I’ll go eat.
[Where are you now?]
Sampeng. Checking out the market to see what styles of bags are popular.
[Checking out Sampeng? Don’t forget to eat. A little further on is Yaowarat. You need to eat, okay? Don’t faint.]
"Yes, yes."
[I love you, did you know that?]
I smiled a little when I heard my sister say that. It was rare for my punk sister to show a warm side. I still remember the day we fought so hard that it got physical.
"Yes, I know. Why are you saying you love me? It’s embarrassing."
[If I love you, you have to love me back. It’s a rule.]
"Is that so?"
[Yes. So if you love me back, you have to eat. I’ll call to check.]
I hung up and laughed a little before getting out of the car after parking. Even though I had promised Miriam, I ended up putting it off because I wanted to finish my chores. As I squeezed through the crowded alleys to get to the other side, my phone rang again. This time, it was the sales manager, sounding apprehensive.
[Ms. Re, an employee at Kimhan’s store, called to report that a customer bought a sample bag. They couldn’t refuse.]
"What?!"
