Disobedience

Chapter 21: Facts and Feelings

Kimberly Jane

"Can you believe it, Kim? I was an illegal drúg pusher and now I am a legal drug pusher. I was actually..."

No matter how much I wanted to listen to my best friend, his voice seemed to just blend and get eaten by the much louder thoughts in my head as I sat across from him. The smell of coffee beans lingered here in our usual café go-to. The cinammon espresso with natural coconut sugar that I've always gotten doesn't seem to excite me anymore.

I said and did the right thing as the mature one in the relationship is supposed to do. I put boundaries and told him the hard truths, but why am I so bothered about it even now? Ever since that day, I couldn't get the proper amount of sleep. The look on his face and the way his voice croaked when he asked me if he meant nothing to me, haunted me like a nightmare.

Everytime I think about it my chest hurts. Freaking weird, I know.

"Kimberly Wencezlao, hello? Are you there?"

Napatingala naman ako kay Nacho na ngayon ay nakakunot ang noo.

"Huh, what was that?"

He gave me a weird look.

"Are you okay?"

"Y-Yeah." I forced a smile. "Why wouldn't I?" I followed it with a light chuckle.

"You haven't touched your coffee." He said and gestured to the cup in front of me. "You weren't listening at all and you are distracted, that is so unlike Attorney Kim W."

I dismissed him with a slight wave of my hand.

"I was totally listening. You told me that you used to push drugs and now you do it legally." I echoed what he said. Nacho being a pharmacist is truly a redemption arc for him, since after he got his life together. He started volunteering regularly to nearby rehab facilities and helped recovering addicts who were going through withdrawal and other challenges.

In court, when the opposing counsel's already spewing bullshít, you will learn to tune it out and just get the main points to later use it against them. I've learned that over the years and now, when I tune away from a conversation, my brain automatically does that, so I still pick up whatever's happening in the conversation even though I wasn't listening.

And I wasn't intentionally tuning out Nacho. God. I feel bad for doing so, but I just couldn't seem to focus on anything other than my nineteen year old student who apparently now wormed his way into my brain and under my skin.

"What's really going on, Kim?"

I took a deep breath.

"You are definitely glowing but the face is not giving." He grimaced.

Ngumuso naman ako.

"Oh so you're saying that I look ugly."

He shook his head.

"No, sweetie. We wouldn't be friends at all, if you were." Pinandilatan niya ako.

Natawa naman ako at napailing.

"All I'm saying is you got that glow but I can tell something is really bothering you. So better tell me now before I pick it out from you." Sagot niya, before he sipped on the straw of his ice coffee.

I took a deep breath. Maybe talking about it would help.

"So in law, facts and feelings are totally separated. Two different worlds, because in the court of law, facts literally don't care about your feelings. It'll always be the truth no matter what you feel about it."

"..hmmkay.." He trailed as he left the straw between his lips, his brows still furrowed like he's not sure where I'm going with what I'm about to say.

"And as a lawyer, my life revolves doing the right things, leaning to the facts, right? Obviously, duh."

"Kimberly, you are starting to scare me, what is really happening, girl?"

I took a deep breath again.

"So, hypothetically....l-let's say you did the right thing. You knew it was the r-right thing to do for you and the other person but somehow, whatever right thing you just did feels very wrong. It's like for the first time in your life, your brain and heart are not agreeing on one thing. You know what I mean?"

"Oh.." He said and slowly nodded his head like he's finally putting the pieces together.

"And what exactly is thing 'right thing?'"

Napalunok ako bago ko inabot ang tasa ng espresso at frustrated na napainom mula roon.

"So, I told this hypothetical person that I am basically not the right person for him, that no matter what happens, I am only around during the fun times and that I will never choose him." My heart clenched again as the image of his face flashed in my brain. "You know, para walang miscommunication. But then again, my feelings are not agreeing with that. What is that supposed to mean? I don't get it, Nacho. It isn't supposed to hurt but it does."

"Oh," He said, his eyes wide this time.

"Oh? That's all?" I asked in frustration. "Gosh, am I going insane?"

"Uh-uh." He shook his head habang nanlalaki pa rin ang kanyang mga mata na para bang hindi siya makapaniwala sa sinabi ko. "You're not insane, huwag kang OA, Attorney........but I am gonna hold your hand when I tell you this.." He smiled and reached for my hands across the table.