Kurt Hummel and the Seven Dwarfs

Chapter 9

Cut to the Dwarfs' bedroom. The room is dark, until the door slowly swings open. Just like with the front door, Doc pokes his head inside and the others pile up around him with Dopey peeking out from Sleepy's beard. They tiptoe into the room, but only get five steps before another strange sound makes them stop short. Then the strange shape vanishes into the covers.

Sneezy: Jiminy Crickets!

Bashful: Gawrsh!

Happy: Sheesh!

Sneezy: What a monster!

Bashful: And covering our beds.

Doc: Let's kill it before it wakes up.

Happy: Which end do we kill? And which end?

All: Ssh!

The Dwarfs sneak over to the beds and surround it, weapons raised. Doc motions for the others to wait until he lifts the covers. But the moment she does so, they all stop in surprise at what's really underneath: Kurt, sleeping peacefully

Doc: Well...uh, uh...

Happy: Wh-what is this?

Doc: Why, i-i-it-it's a boy!

Sneezy: He's mighty pretty.

Bashful: He's beautiful, just like an angel.

Grumpy: Angel? Hah! He's a male, and all males are poison! They're complete with wicked wiles!

Bashful: What are "wicked wiles"?

Grumpy: I don't know, but I'm against them!

Doc: Ssh! Not so loud, you'll wake him up!

Grumpy: Aw, let him wake up! He don't belong here nohow!

Doc: Ssh!

It's too late since Kurt starts to stir

Bashful: Watch out!

Sneezy: He's moving!

Happy: He's waking up!

Sneezy: What'll we do?

Doc: In here, hide!

The Dwarfs all scramble under the floorboard of the bed just as Kurt gets up

Kurt: Oh, dear. I wonder if the children are-- (sees a bunch of eyes staring at him) OOHHHH!!!! (The sound alarms his watchers, and a second later, they peek up and reveal themselves as the Dwarfs) Why...why, you're little men. (Then the Dwarfs stand up and stare at the newcomer before them, confused as to who they are and where they came from) How do you do? (The Dwarfs don't respond, as they don't understand what they just heard) I said "how do you do?"

Grumpy: How do you do what?

Kurt: Oh, you can talk! I'm so glad. Now, don't tell me who you are. Let me guess. (to Doc) I know, you're... Doc.

Doc: (chuckles) Wh-wh-why-why-y... yes, that's true!

Kurt: (to Bashful) And you're...you're Bashful.

As he says this, Bashful blushes.

Bashful: Ohh, gosh.

Kurt: (to Sleepy) And you, you're Sleepy.

Sleepy: Oh, how'd you guess?

He chuckles

Kurt: And you...

Sneezy: Ah...ah-ch...ah-ch...ah...

Dopey and Grumpy plug his nose

Kurt: You're Sneezy.

Sneezy: Phew...ah-choo!

Kurt: Yes, and you must be....

Happy: Happy, sir, that's me. (points to Dopey) And this is Dopey. He don't talk none. (chuckles)

Dopey shakes his head "no"

Kurt: You mean he can't talk?

Happy: He don't know. He never tried.

Kurt: Oh, that's too bad! (Grumpy crosses his arms and looks at the others with one eye closed.) Oh, you must be Grumpy.

Doc: Oh, y-yes!

Grumpy: Hah! We know who we are. Ask him who he is, and what he's doing here!

Doc: Huh, yes! What are you, and who are you doing here? (realizes he means "Who are you, and what are you doing here?") Uh, wh-wh-what are you...who are you, my boy?

Kurt: Oh, how silly of me. I'm Kurt Hummel.

Happy: Kurt Hummel?

Dwarfs: The prince?

Kurt: Yes.

Doc: Well, my-my dear quince, er, Prince, we're, uh, we're honored. Yes, we're, uh, we're, uh...

Grumpy: Mad as hornets!

Doc: Mad as hornets! No, no, we're not. We're bad as cornets. No, no, as bad as...what was I saying?

Grumpy: Nothing! Just standing there sputtering like a doodlebug!

Doc: (insulted) Who-who-who's buttering like a spoodledug? Who's...r-ruttering like a getterbug--

Grumpy: Aw, shut up and tell him to get out!

Kurt: Please, don't send me away. If you do, she'll kill me.

Dwarfs: Kill you? Who will? Yes, who?

Kurt: My stepmother, Sue!

Dwarfs: (surprised and horrified) Sue Sylvester?!

Bashful: She's wicked!

Happy: She's bad!

Sneezy: She's mighty mean!

Grumpy: She's an old witch! I'm warning you. If Sue finds him here, she'll swoop down and wreak her vengeance on us!

Kurt: But she doesn't know where I am.

Grumpy: She don't, heh? She knows everything. She's complete with black magic. She can even make herself invisible. Pfft! (Doc jumps back in surprise) Might be in this room right now.

Dopey looks under Happy's beard, thinking Sue might be there, but the latter bonks him on the head.

Kurt: Oh, she'll never find me here. And if you let me stay, I'll keep house for you. I'll wash and sew and sweep and cook and...

Dwarfs: Cook?!

Doc: C-can you make dapple lumpkins, uh, lumple dapplins?

Dwarfs: Apple dumplings!

Doc: Ah, yes! Crapple dumpkins.

Kurt: Yes, and plum pudding, and gooseberry pie-----

Dwarfs: Gooseberry pie?! HOORAY, HE STAYS!!