Chapter 23

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We got to the house and we all put our bags down. Me and Jules looked at each other. "So you guys can sleep in the living room tonight, sorry I don't have a guest bedroom...well I used to but Marrissa kinda made it into her room." Julia said. "And Louis if you wanna you can lay with me in my room" I added. "I would love to" he smiled and laughed. Then we all looked at Amber quickly and looked away. There was an awkward silence then Harry cleared his throat, "so which couch should I sleep on?" "It doesn't matter to me, which ever one is more comfortable." "If you'll excuse me, I just," Amber gagged, "I need to go to the bathroom." She ran down the hallway."Anything is for you guys to use. Eat whatever we have, watch the tv I could care less" "Thanks for having us" Louis began. "It's not like she had a choice" I said under my breath. "It's no problem at all. Any time." Jules said. Amber came back from the bathroom. "Are you alright Amber?" Harry asked her. "Yeah," she paused, "I'm fine, I'll be right back." She said quickly before disappearing again. Louis sat down on the couch, put his feet up, and put on the television like he owned the place. Soon afterwards Harry joined him. I took Julia by the arm and went into the kitchen. "Is everything alright with Amber?" I whispered. "Ever since Sam she's been eating a lot and throwing up afterwards. After every time she would eat she would run to the bathroom.""And you think she's alright?" "She's obviously heart broken. I think she has a stomach virus because she's been throwing up and dizzy and just out of it." "Julia! Why didn't you tell me about this?!?" "She just has a virus! I mean she drinks water and she seems to be fine." "You're completely oblivious to what's going on Jules. Wake up! I know it's a hard time right now but just realize what's going on around you. It's possible that Amber has a freakin eating disorder and it needs to be fixed." "She doesn't have a disorder, she's just sick." "Yeah! In the head!" I walked away from Julia. I couldn't take it, she was so oblivious. I went into the living room when the boys looked at me. "You know what Marrissa! Maybe you're the sick one! Maybe you're the one that is depressed or has anorexia or is bulimic! Maybe you're the oblivious one that isn't realizing what's going on around her!""At least I'm not the one living with a girl that may be bulimic and is doing nothin about it! I'm not the boy-crazy girl that tries to get a boyfriend constantly and whines about it!" "You don't see what's happening Marrissa! You have everything!" "Oh yah, like what?!" "A boyfriend that loves you, friends that love and care about you, a fam-" "No, I don't have a family! I frickin lost my mother to anorexia and I don't know where my ass hole of a dad is and I'm left with nobody but a second cousin that didn't even know I existed!" "What about us?!? Me and Sam! Don't we matter anything to you?!" "Yes you do! You guys are the best things that could've happened to me but you don't understand!""Understand what?! You know you're just an attention seeking bitch that lives off of someone else's paycheck! And you caused one of our friends to die!!!" By this point I was crying and felt Harry and Louis staring at us. "You're right, Jules. I am just an attention seeking bitch that lives off of someone else's paycheck! And maybe that's the reason why I hate myself, why everyday I fake a smile and move on. That's why I need a boyfriend or just a friend to keep close and actually give me hope. But you know what, it doesn't last." I paused to try to stop crying. "That's why when I'm alone I just cry about all the shit in my life. That's when I think about Sam and how I killed her. And I always think that it gives me the right to hurt myself, to get payback to punish myself. That's why I never let my stomach show, plus I'm just so fat! You guys don't know how I sneak in diet pills and pills to help me throw up when nobody's home.All the reasons you just named, that's every reason for me to hate myself." I felt my own heart sink and I sat down against the wall with my head in my hands. Julia, Amber, Harry, and Louis came over to me and tried to comfort me but I just shooed them off. "I'll be alright guys, I needed to get that off my chest.""We'll help you Marriss, ok? We love you" Harry lifted my head up and gave me a hug. "I'll always be there for you, babe and you know that. I love you too" Louis kissed my lips making me feel a little better. "Marrissa, Im sorry. I didn't mean anything I said. It's my period, ok? I know you understand" Jules gave me a hug. Amber hugged me and whispered in my ear, "we'll get through this together, ok? We'll make it." She pulled away from my ear and looked me in the eyes. "Ok?" "Ok" I agreed and smiled. I stood up and got myself some water. "I think we all need our sleep, it like 10 already" Julia said."What time do we have to get up tomorrow?" Louis asked, his arm wrapped around my waist from behind. "Well the funeral is at 1 so I would say at least 8." "8?!?!" Harry exclaimed," I am not a morning person." "You will be as soon as I pour water over your head" Amber said sassily. "But why so early?" I asked.

"The funeral is in the Hamptons and that's like a hour and a half ride. And Mr and Mrs Derrils want us to be there a little bit earlier than everyone else. Apparently they want to go over what of Sam's stuff they want to give to us." "Fancy in the Hamptons." Am we said. "Having her stuff is going to be hard to handle" I said. "I know but whatever makes her and her family happy." "Yeah. Well me and Louis are going to bed now, good night." "Night everyone" Louis added. "I'm going now too, good night" Amber said. "Sweet dreams" Harry said kissing he on the lips. "Good night you lovebirds" Julia said going down the hallway. I lead Louis to my bedroom and closed the door behind us. "There's a bathroom right next to the closet if you need. I'll get changed first" I went over to the bathroom. "Aw, you're getting changed in there? Fine." Louis said. I have him a dirty look and got changed in the bathroom. When I came out I saw Louis sitting on my bed with only his boxer on. "Louis! Put some pants on please" I covered my eyes, "Im used to you wearing pjs to bed with me." "It's time to change it up." I shook my head 'no'. "C'mon it's not like I'm naked or anything." "Put on some pants Louis." "It's either my boxers or nothing at all." "Fine." I got into bed next to him and shut off the lights. We faced each other laying down. "Please don't think about anything negative babe. I want you to be happy." "I won't. I can't when you're here, I'm very happy to have you. I love you, good night." "Love you too babe, night." We cuddled each other and I was finally able to go a night without punishing myself. I actually felt happy. I actually felt proud of myself.

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