XXII. Marriage

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"Coach, the nationals are practically a week away and I still feel like I'm not getting this at all!"

Lately, Sunghoon's been sitting at the edge of the skating rink after each practice, head in his hands as he carefully examines the supposed mess he's been making of himself day after day. His chilled breath looms over his phone and he decides to continue his mopping in his dressing room where his coach magically surprises him.

"Geez, you scared me," he manages to control the level of his gasp when Lee laughs at the unusual expression on the skater. "It's not funny," he grumbles under his breath as he takes a seat besides his coach on the carpeted floor.

"Maybe, but you know what's really not funny?" Lee sets a hand on his shoulder as if to signal his student to let him look at the video he was scrutinising.

Sunghoon looks up at him questioningly when he waits for an answer. "What isn't?"

"You being so overly stressed and self-conscious," Lee takes his shoulders into his hands, gently shaking the boy who turns away embarrassed and nervous. "Haven't you always been like this every time it's close to a performance?"

"It's different this time." Sunghoon shakes him off, passing the phone to his coach as he cradles deeper into himself.

Lee purses his lips as his vision flickers between the phone and his dishevelled student, "how so - explain it to me Hoon." He adjusts his body to face Sunghoon who lets out a harsh sigh under his breath.

"Everything, just feels wrong," Sunghoon murmurs quietly, finally lifting his head up from his lap, "and it's just all my fault." He grumbles, the anger in his voice slowly rising as he squeezes his fists tighter.

"What's all your fault-"

"Quitting-I don't know," he tries to release his anger but he's unsure what he's angry at, "I just-maybe I shouldn't even be here... maybe it's too late for me I mean everyone else who's competing this year has done this before, and if not the nationals it's not been over five years since they had trained."

"Why do you feel like you're not good enough?" His coach prods further and Sunghoon mutters something to himself. "Experience isn't everything and I'm sure so many skaters would kill to be in your position right now,"

"That doesn't make this... feeling any better, Coach," Sunghoon lets out a strained sigh that almost sounds like a cry for help, turning away when he releases how stupid he's sounding. "Will it always feel like this?" is all he can say when his voice gives out.

"Maybe, but it will get better Hoon, you're just afraid of not living up to your previous standards-"

"No, coach it's not that... I don't even know what it is," Sunghoon bites his lip and refrains from imploding in such a public scenery. "I'm just being stupid, forget what I said-"

"No, Hoon, its alright," Lee smiles warmly, his voice is slightly sporadic when he notices Sunghoon trying to escape the situation. "You know when you were younger you used to do this all the time," he reassures the skater who cringes at the idea, biting back his grimaced chuckle when he realises how this looks.

"Yeah, I remember," he looks up cautiously, pursing his lips as he struggles to remain composed. "Fuck, it's just so overwhelming," he lets out a soft cry, lowering his head onto his arms to rest.

"Yeah, I hear you kid," his coach struggles to reassure the ever-growing discomfort that was growing within the skater, "but it's all up to you now, I can't do anything anymore kid, so just listen to yourself instead of ignoring it like you have been doing all this time."

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