Happy Ending (MattxMello)

23. Rain

Mello
I don't know why, but I always thought it would rain on the day I died. Call me narcissistic but I did, I imagined the sky would cry all the tears that no one else would. I imagined that the sky would cry for the boy who had nobody else to cry for him. It didn't rain that day. It rained for many days following that day, but it did not rain on the day that I died. I sit in the apartment alone the day after my death and I let the rain pour, crying all of the tears that no one else would cry because I was the only one who knew. It may be selfish but I didn't cry for the kidnapper who was shot down in the street, I didn't cry for the man who sat against his dented red car bleeding. I didn't cry for Matt and I sure as hell didn't cry for Mail Jeevas. No, I cried for me. I cried for Mello, for Mihael Keehl. Why? Because it wasn't Mail Jeevas who sat alone in the apartment that day, it wasn't Matt who had nothing left in the world. It was me. It is me.

I don't know why she didn't kill me. I really wish she had. After seeing Matt's death on that tiny little screen I pulled into an abandoned church because, as stupid as it sounds now, I didn't want to cause an accident. I wasn't able to see through my tears, so I pulled over. After all, why should anyone else die because of me? I think enough have already. I got out of the truck after sitting in it with my head on the steering wheel for about ten minutes, and I started walking home. I knew how far I was from home but that's all I wanted, I just wanted to go home, so I walked until I got a cab. When I got to the apartment I changed into some boxers and one of Matt's hideous striped shirts because it smells like him, it smells like cigarette smoke and body spray. I never thought that that awful smell would end up being one of my favorites but it is, if only because to me, it smells like home. I lay on the bed, sobbing until I passed out. This isn't home, it never was. My home is a beautiful freckled red head with a video game addiction and only now do I realize that nowhere will ever be home again. It's taken me a really long time to realize but, home isn't, never was and never will be a house or an apartment or any place for that matter. Home is a feeling and I'm afraid that I'll never have that feeling again.

I remember what Matt said that time I asked him what he would do if I died, at the time I guess I just didn't understand why he wouldn't just do that one thing for me. I was so mad at him for being so selfish, for not just living without me. I understand now. I now know what it's like to have nothing to live for. I wanted to beat Near and be the best, but now... Well, now I frankly just don't give a fuck. Near could die today and I just wouldn't give a fuck. It took me seeing the death of the only person I ever cared about to realize how stupid I was, that beating Near doesn't mean shit, that my stupid obsessive hatred of Near didn't come close to my love for Matt. And now it's too late.
"It's never too late, Mells." He's sitting on the couch, cigarette in his mouth. My mind is playing cruel tricks on me. Silent tears roll down my face as I shake my head, "Except this time it is. This time it's too late and it's my fault." He takes his jacket off to reveal his striped shirt, covered in blood and full of bullet holes and starts walking towards me. I wince but I'm not able to look away, "It's never too late, Mells. I love you." My voice breaks as I try to choke out a reply, "I-I... Oh, God. Matt, please leave." He can't hear me apparently as he takes another step towards me, pulling off his goggles, his green eyes are dead and looking right through me at something that I can't see. "I love you, Mihael." I fall onto my knees and start actually sobbing, "Please Matt! Please just leave me alone. I'm sorry! I didn't... I-I didn't mean for this to happen! It was supposed to be me! I'm so sorry Matt. " I scream at him, throwing pillows that go right through him. I'm losing my mind.