Happy Ending (MattxMello)

24. Selfish

Mello
I lie awake in our bed, desperately trying not to think of Matt. I miss his arms around me, I miss the way his fingers would fit perfectly into the spaces between mine and I miss the way we would whisper quietly under the covers when neither of us could sleep. I miss him so much.

I haven't slept properly for three days now, only falling asleep occasionally from the exhaustion of crying but waking up two hours later from nightmares. I'll sit on the balcony sometimes, watching the sun rise and set thinking about him because sometimes the loneliness is too much. I've got a permanent coldness in my bones that keeps me shivering all the time, adding to the exhaustion. I'm so tired but I just can't sleep.

I wish I'd never known what love is. Yes, it is the best thing ever and I wouldn't give it up for the world but it also hurts more than I can take. I wish Matt had never met me, that I had never ruined his life and hurt him the way I did. Matty is irreplaceable and I know the hurting will never stop because Matt will never come back. I screwed up.

I found myself talking out loud to him today, just telling him how much I miss him and that I love him. Things I think I never really said enough when he was here.
"Matt, if you can hear me, I just want you to know that I'm sorry. I miss you and I love you Matty. So much. Too much probably. I wish you were here, I wish you could beat me at video games, I wish you could have told me that my idea was stupid. You were smart enough to know that it was going to get you killed but I think you were also smart enough to know that you couldn't change my mind, huh? I'm so sorry Matt." I whisper the last part. I know Matt can't hear me, he's dead. I do all of these things for me. I'm talking to myself because I'm going insane. I know I'm losing my mind, I feel it.

Matt used to like playing with my hair. He liked to braid it and run his fingers through it, he never wanted me to cut it so I kept it long. Even when Matt wasn't there I'd make sure to keep it at the length he liked, just because I missed him. My hair is too long now, almost shoulder length and dirty. I can't be bothered to wash it. It's in the way so I've decided to cut it. No reason to keep it long anymore. I tie it up and grab a scissors, watching as the greasy blonde strands fall to the floor. I cry like a baby the whole time, watching one of my last good memories fall to the floor and cover my mismatched socks in long blonde hair. Matt would freak. When I look in the mirror, I notice that it looks a lot like Matt's haircut - messy and just a bit too long. I used to cut his hair too so I guess it's just a habit. I cut it shorter, not caring at all what it might look like, only wanting it gone. When I'm done I don't bother cleaning up, leaving the floor covered in a filthy blonde carpet and falling back into the bed. I really want to die now.

Most of the time I really just want to cry but sometimes I get really mad at him, for not telling me how stupid I was, for not forcing me to listen to reason, for not leaving me. I'll scream at him and I'll throw things and I'll cry because I know he can't hear me.
"Matt! You bastard! You swore, you swore to me that I'd see you again, you... Liar! How could you? How could you die on me? For fuck's sake Matt, why?! Where are you? Why aren't you here? Why would you... Why would you leave me? You promised me! So... Why?"
I want to hate him for these things. I want to have a legitimate reason for being angry at him but I don't and I never will. I can't be mad at him, I can only be mad at myself. For not listening to reason, for not realizing how stupid I was being, for not forcing him to leave me for his own good. Matt was never good at doing things for himself. He would always put others before himself. Why? Because he was a much better person than I ever could be. I wish he'd been as selfish as I was.