Happy Ending (MattxMello)

26. Memories of a Mad Boy

Mello
He, or rather it - my hallucination - hasn't been back since that night. In another moment of weakness I begged for it to come back. I miss him and it is the closest thing I have now. I know I'm crazy, I feel my grief taking me over and my mind, the one thing I'd always been proud of, is going along with the rest of me.

I'm the only one who remembers. I will forever be the only one who remembers because nobody else had the pleasure of knowing Mail Jeevas. I was the only one. It was an honor too, to know him and to love him.

Forgive me Matt.
I can't do this anymore.
It hurts.
I need you.

I was so selfish. It was selfish of me to think that I was the only one who was hurting, the only one who lost his parents, the only one who needed comforting. I wasn't there for him when he needed me, all of the times he ever needed me I wasn't there for him. Back at Wammy's; I never asked him about his parents, I just figured he didn't want to talk about it. When I saw him again for the first time; I never asked what he'd been doing, although now I know, he hacked for money. He was actually really good at it from what I can see, considering he left all his money to me and I probably won't have to worry about money for a while considering it was over five million dollars. Even after death he's looking after me. After the accident it had never occurred to me that he'd been in as much pain as I was, and after finding the letter I was faced with the the harsh reality of his chronic depression. I never expected it and I still have trouble imagining my ever-smiling Matt hurting that much. Even after the wake-up call I so harshly received, I still acted selfishly. I never once asked his opinion on my plan, I never once asked him if he was okay or if he'd taken his medication, I never asked him how he was feeling. Not once. How Matt could ever have loved such a foul creature as myself I will never know because once again, my selfishness affected him. My own stupid fucking selfishness killed him and, you know what? I'd bet on my life he wouldn't blame it on me.

There are so many things that I'll never get to say to him, so many things that I'll never get to do with him. I'm still having trouble convincing myself that I'll never see him again. In my mind he's still here. Everything still smells like him and all of his stuff is still here, so if I close my eyes I can almost see him again, I can almost pretend that he's lying next to me. I lay on his side of the bed, in his clothes, hurting because of how much I miss him.

I didn't mean for you to die Matt, I'm sorry.

I don't have any pictures of him, for pretty obvious reasons. All of them had been destroyed along with mine and Near's. I'm starting to forget what he looked like, the once-clear picture in my mind getting blurrier by the day. The sound of his voice is becoming less clear, distant. I feel him slipping away. I scream in frustration, trying to remember all of the things I spent so long taking for granted. An awful sense of déjà vu comes over me, this has all happened before. Not with Matt but with my mother. I remember so clearly the day I finally realized that I'd forgotten what my own mother looked like. What an awful thing to happen to an eight year old, no? I suppose though, that if I cried for every awful thing that's ever happened to me, I'd never stop crying. Maybe I won't.

I know he didn't believe, but I'm sure heaven made an exception this time. They kinda screwed him over.
And me? Well I'm going to wherever Kira went to, although maybe not. Maybe they made an exception with him too... If anyone ever deserved to go to hell it was him. Oh, and that Kiyomi Takada. I assume she's dead, I never stuck around to find out. I guess I can't really help but try to blame all of this on other people, I am human after all. Maybe, just maybe, if I successfully find someone to blame for Matt's death it won't hurt as much. Oh, what I wouldn't do to stop the pain constantly radiating throughout my body.

I was a goner from the day I was born, my destiny lay before me as an unfinished bridge that I foolishly believed I could finish myself.

You know, there's an Ancient Greek proverb about sole mates by Plato, an ancient Greek philosopher. His theory was that humans originally consisted of four arms, four legs, and two faces. Zeus was threatened by their power and split them all in half, condemning us all to spend our lives trying to complete ourselves. Now, what does one do when one's sole mate is no longer here? Do I spend the rest of my life alone, knowing that I'll never be completed or rather, that I once was and I never would be again? I really don't think I can.

I'm weak. I guess I always was but now more than ever, I am weak. I don't want to breathe in a world where Matt no longer breathes, I don't want to see in a world where I can no longer see Matt and I don't want to hear in a world where the silence is deafening. I'm lying broken on the floor like I have so many times before, but now... Now there is nobody to pick me up. It's just me. I'm all alone once again in this cruel world filled with cruel people.

You promised me Matt. You promised me you'd come back.

Clutching the ring over my heart, I bring my gun to my head.

I'd kill to see Matt one last time. Although, I don't suppose that means much coming from a murderer, huh? If the last thing I ever saw was that red-haired, freckle-covered, jade-eyed, goofy-grinned angel I'd be perfectly content. But no. The last thing I ever saw was the golden ring on a silver chain, sitting in the palm of my trembling hand. I wonder what the last thing Matt ever saw was and I really would give anything to know what Matt's last thoughts were. I suppose that it won't really matter anymore once I'm gone. Nobody else would ever wonder these things, considering that he was stupid enough to love me and only me. He should've picked someone else. I really wish he had, if only for his sake. He did deserve better after all, although I doubt he thought so. We accept a love we think we deserve. Anyway, I'm sure I'd have missed him, even if we'd never met.
The last thought that ever crossed my mind was:
I'll love you Matty, forever and always.