Happy Ending (MattxMello)

12. Mirrors

Mello
I peel off the bandages slowly, with my eyes closed. I know it's bad but I can't help but hope that it's not as bad as I think it is, "Please, God" I pray silently. I look down at the bandages in my hand and I can't stop the tears from overflowing and streaming down my face as the truth of what I might see overwhelms me. I give myself a mental slap and whisper, "You haven't even seen it yet, dumbass. Stop crying." I force my head upwards, eyes closed again. I'm terrified of what I might see. Would it still be me looking back, or will it be the monster I know I've become? Only one way to find out. I take a deep breath and I open my eyes quickly, not really seeing anything for a few seconds until I finally see exactly what I expected.

What used to be the left side of my face was now a huge scar that I can't stop looking at. I almost don't recognize myself. The tears that stain my face give the scar a glint in the synthetic bathroom light. I hear horrible screaming and look around then back in the mirror again, not sure what I was expecting. It's me, I'm the one making that horrible sound. I close my eyes again and continue to hear the pathetic sounds coming out of my mouth, but I can't seem to make them stop. Hysterical screaming and loud sobs. "Damn it!" I choke out, only making the crying worse. I try and put my face in my hands to calm myself down but I open my eyes again and before I know it I've lost control and smashed my fist into the mirror.

A spiderweb of cracks forms around my fist and shatters my image so I look like even more of a monster now, a sharp pain forces me to drop my hand. Bloody and covered in bits of glass, I bring it up to my face anyway, feeling the scar. Those damn tears won't stop leaking out of my eyes. Matt tries to open the door, only to find that I've locked it, a part of me expected this. I didn't want him to see me cry, I didn't want him to see me like this at all- this scar, these tears, I didn't want him to see me. He calls me but I just continue to sob and scream, hating myself after each breath more and more for being so weak. I don't want him to see. Not now, not ever.

Matt
My heart breaks more with every scream coming from the bathroom. I call him a few times but the screaming continues. I knock on the door. No answer. I call his name. No answer. "I'm coming in, okay?" But yet again, no answer. It's locked so I'll have to break the door down. With full force I shove it open and run inside, concern wrapping around me like a noose. He's facing away from me, elbows on his knees with his head in his hands, sobbing so violently that I hesitated for a bit. His entire body shakes and the cries are loud and continuous.

I see the broken mirror, I feel a sharp pain slice into my heart. I knew this was going to be hard. I move slowly toward him and lean down but he turns away, not allowing me to see his face. I know he doesn't want me to see him like this so I grab him and pull him to me, making sure I put his head on my shoulder so he doesn't feel like I'm looking at his scar. Holding him as if he would fall apart if I let him go, which I know he surely would. I run my hand down his back to comfort him. He struggles to get away but my grip is tight and I hold him until I feel him calm down a bit. I sigh and let him go and sit down next to him. I take his hands and bring them down into my lap, looking at them the whole time, I squeeze them tightly for reassurance.

The truth is, I don't want to see him like this anymore than he does, it's heartbreaking. His hands are freezing and covered in blood but I keep them in mine, I need him to know I'm here, no matter what. I bring myself to look him in the eyes, they're red and puffy but still his eyes are beautiful. I bring my hand up to the scar and stroke it gently. He winces as I wipe his tears away. "You're still perfect, you know." I say softly, knowing he won't believe a word I say but knowing also that I won't ever stop telling him. He shakes his head causing his long blonde hair to fall into his face and he starts to cry again. This time I pull him in and don't let go, I just hold him and let him cry knowing that he needs this. "I love you." I whisper. No answer.

Mello
His words just make me cry harder, I don't deserve them... I don't deserve him. I hate myself and I hate this. I hate everything and everyone, always have, always will. Somehow, though, he managed being the only person I didn't hate, it makes little sense but he pried his way into my bitter heart. He is the only person I could never hate, even if I wanted to. I'm shaking violently and crying into his shoulder, I'm holding onto him for dear life, scared if I let go I might actually fall apart. His shirt is wet from my tears but he just holds me there, understanding radiating from his warm touch. Neither of us move for a long time. I'm exhausted, so I just let myself relax in his arms. This is the only place I will ever feel truly safe.

Matt
He's fallen asleep from the exhaustion of crying. I carry him to the bed and lay him down as gently as I can to avoid waking him up. I see the cuts on his hand and clean them up, being as gentle as possible and moving quietly. I look at him, really look at him, for the first time with the scar. His face is still stained with tears and a bit of blood from his hand. I know how much this hurts him, it hurts me too, to see him like this. A tear slides down my cheek and I quickly wipe it away. I hate myself for feeling like this when he is clearly hurting so much more. I have to be here, to be strong for him. He means too much to me for me not to be strong, not to help him and make him feel important and perfect even if he doesn't believe me, it would be a thousand stab wounds to the heart if I ever stopped trying. I crawl into bed next to him, feeling just as broken and helpless as he probably does. I'm exhausted too so I close my eyes and drift into a dreamless sleep.