Finding 4

Chapter 21

Marley

As soon as Callum leaves my house, I feel myself slipping back into that dark hole called my mind. The place where all of the bad memories, and pain lingers.

With a sigh I lay down on my bed, and the silence fills my ears.

Mason lays me on my back, against the mattress. His large hands hold onto my waist as he kisses me hard and passionate.

My hands hold onto his neck, and he shoves his tongue into my mouth.

We've had lots of makeout sessions. In fact, that's all we've ever done. The two of us have never taken it past a deep kiss, and some heavy petting.

I don't want to. I'm not ready for it, and he knows that. I've told him time, after time. For the most part, he's been respectful about it, besides the asshole act he puts on after I say no.

He kisses on my neck, and his hands start to push my t-shirt up. I know what comes next, and although it sounds nice, it also puts a deep pit in my stomach at the thought.

Because I'm not ready.

"Wait," I say breathlessly, placing my hand on his chest.

Mason lets out a loud, and clearly annoyed sigh. For a moment he just sits there, but then he finally looks up at me.

"I'm sorry," I lean up on my elbows. "I'm just not ready."

"Yeah 'cause you never are," he says annoyed. "How long is it going to take, Marley?"

A lump forms in my throat and I bite the inside of my cheek.

"We've been dating for a year now," he keeps his hold on my waist, his thumb rubbing small circles. "Do you not love me?"

My stomach drops, and I think my face shows that. Of course I love him. I've done nothing but love him.

"What? No, of course I do." I lift one of my hands and rake his dark brown hair off of his forehead. 

"Then prove it to me," he says with a hint of desperation, and his grip on my waist tightens.

Prove it to me.

If I sleep with him, I'll lose a part of me that I can never get back. If I don't do it, I lose him. I think losing him would hurt more than my virginity.

I sigh deeply, knowing that I have to say yes. If I don't, he'll leave me. He'll go find a girl that will give him what he wants.

"I..." I swallow harshly, and before I can get out another word, his lips attach back onto mine.

He doesn't even give me a chance to say my answer.

Once again I feel his wet lips on my neck, and before I know it, my shirt is swiped over my head and tossed on the floor.

I breathe heavily, but not because I'm turned on.

"Wait Mason," I put my hand on his bicep.

"Shhh," he kisses my forehead, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. His eyes meet mine and a soft smile comes over his face. "I'll make you feel good."

That's the moment I know that I don't stand a chance. This is happening whether I want it or not.

"Okay?" He whispers, stroking my cheek softly with his thumb.

My lip wavers as I take a moment to slightly nod. Even though everything in me is screaming no, I whisper out a small "okay."

The cold medal slices through my skin, and the thoughts stop.

They finally stop.

The blood drips down my forearms, and onto my light pink t-shirt. For the moment, I ignore it. Instead I relish in the feeling of the sting and the physical pain.

I just sit there, my back pressed into my bed frame, and my arms lying limp at my sides. I close my eyes, and when the pain starts to simmer down, I pick up the white rag next to me and wrap it around my wrists.

So much for feeling better.

<>

My leg bounces up and down as I sit in the dimly lit office. I've been coming to this therapist for three months now, and not once have I felt comfortable enough to talk.

"Okay," The therapist woman sighs, closing her folder and setting it next to her. It's been another unsuccessful session where we both just sit there, no words being said. "This isn't working."

I keep my silent treatment going, and I just stare at her. My bouncing leg betrays me though, showing her that I do have a weakness.

"I want to help you, Marley. I really do." She says honestly. The acting is so good I almost believe her. "But I can't help you if you don't talk. We've had many, many sessions and I've gotten maybe one slip out of you." She shrugs and pauses for a moment before adding. "You don't have to be scared. Emotions are normal—healthy even."

I let out a deep sigh, continuing to watch her as she speaks.

"They aren't embarrassing, and they certainly don't call for any judgment. I am here to help you...so let me do that."

I swallow harshly, and stop my leg. My eyes stay trained on her as I fold my hands in my lap.

"You can't help me."