Finding 4

Chapter 36

If you got several notifications for this chapter, or read it previously, just know that it wasn't supposed to publish 😭 idk what happened but it was unfinished

Marley

I haven't been able to get myself out of bed all week. Not even for a run. School started back on Monday, and I haven't been once. And despite my friend's efforts, especially Tierny and Keely, I haven't even gone next door to Tierny's when she threw a party, or when she invited us all over for a bonfire.

Instead I've just laid in bed, with my lights off and my curtains drawn. I'm sure I smell horrendous considering I haven't showered.

At one point, dad forced me out of bed to eat, but other than that, I've just been here.

The only sound in my room is the hum of my ceiling fan as it spins around. My thoughts are raging inside of my mind, and no matter what I do, they won't stop.

I can't sleep, because they won't quiet down enough. I can't eat, because everything hurts so badly it makes me feel sick. I can't shower, because that takes every ounce of energy I have, and each day that runs out more and more.

All because I didn't just call him back.

I know it's not my duty to make sure he's okay. I know he did me extremely wrong, and he hurt me, but he took his own life. He called me when he needed someone to talk to. He needed me. And I just pressed ignore.

The sound of my bedroom door opening makes me come back to reality, but even then I don't look over to see who it is. There's an array of footsteps towards my bed, and then it dips down as someone sits on my mattress.

"Come on Mar." Theres a hint of sadness in Brody's tone, and I know he thinks that all of this is because what he told Tierny. "You gotta get out of bed."

There's a long pause of silence before I finally speak up. "It's not your fault." I whisper from the guilt taking over.

"What?"

"Mason killed himself." I look over at my brother. "I'm not like this because of you."

The room goes completely silent this time. For a moment I swear I can't even hear the fan.

"Shit I'm sorry," Brody rubs his jaw. "I didn't know."

I shake my head, "It's fine."

"Well it's clearly not fine if you're glued to your bed because of this." He scoots up further into my bed, and leans his back against the wall that it is pushed up against.

With a sigh, I bring my hands to my face and run them over the skin.

It's all your fault.

You should have answered the phone.

"It's okay to be sad." He then says.

"I'm not sad."

He laughs. Quite literally laughs in my face. "Could've fooled me."

I flick him off, but there is a small smile on my face. "Fuck off."

"Look, all I'm saying is, you dated Mason for a long time. It's okay to...feel. And it's okay to show it."

"Yeah." I mumble, letting out a sigh and fidgeting with the hem of the pink blanket on my bed. The room is silent for a moment and then I add, "he called me the night he did it."

Brody watches me intently, waiting on me to speak. Except I think we both know what's about to come out of my mouth.

"He said he needed me. He needed me Brody. And I ignored him."

"Don't do that," he shakes his head. "Don't blame yourself."

"I can't help it."

"You can." He says with a head tilt. I can see it in his eyes that I am completely fucked. Even if he won't admit it. "Come on Mar. You've got to quit doing this to yourself."

It's not that easy. That voice is always going to be in the back of my head saying you did this. Im always going to believe that Mason would still be alive if I had answered that phone call. It doesn't matter what anyone says, or what they do.

It was my fault.

<>

"Hey, kid." The Irish accent fills my voice and the swing that I'm sitting on rocks when Tadgh sits down.

"Hey." I whisper back, keeping my eyes trained on the backyard in front of me.

"How are you doing?" I can feel his eyes on my side profile, but I can't look at him. I can't even move.

I just shrug in response. My mind is too clouded to have a conversation. I could be in a room with everyone in the world, and I would still only be thinking about the feelings swarming inside of me.

He lets out a sigh from next to me, and I prepare myself for another it's not your fault speech.

"You couldn't have stopped it." He says. "Trust me. He was struggling, and he could only find one way out. No matter what you would have said, or done...it wouldn't have helped."

"If I would have just answered the phone-"

"Marley he was going to do it either way." He sighs and then adds, "he could have had every person in the world tell him that they loved him, and they needed him, but it wouldn't have helped."

I finally look over at him. "How do you know?"

His Adam's apple bobs as he swallows and then he says, "You just gotta trust me on this one."

A/N

I'm sorry that this chapter took so long to get out, I'm currently going through a slump 😞