Finding 4

Chapter 29

Marley

My heart is louder than a train speeding on tracks as I sit in the counseling office. The same one I've been sitting in once a week for the past three months. The same one that makes me want to vomit from all of the mental health posters, and the way she stares at you, and the smell.

"I'm fine-"

"No you're not," Margo—that's my therapists name—cuts me off. "You have to stop lying about these things, Marley. It's been three months. You're not getting better. This is what I'm here for." She keeps her calm voice that makes me want to rip my eardrums out of my head. "Having emotions, and feelings...that's normal. Perfectly normal—healthy even. What's not normal is hiding them and keeping them in to the point you can't take it anymore."

I chew on my lip as my eyes stay on hers.

"Do you ever think about harming yourself?"

"Can we not do this?"

"Do what?"

"Make it...uncomfortable." I shift in my seat and swallow harshly. "I don't want to be here. Nothing is going to change that."

"Why don't you want to be here?"

"Because it's stupid. It's embarrassing. Nobody actually cares, not even you."

"I do care, Marley."

"Only because you're paid to care."

She sighs in defeat and crosses her legs.

"You don't have to be ashamed of the way you're hurting."

"I'm not hurting."

The room is silent for a moment as she seems to be thinking. Maybe I mind-tricked her instead of it being the other way around, and now I can quit with this stupid therapy.

"Why don't we talk about Mason and Emily." She says and my body goes stiff.

"Why?"

"Because being cheated on is very painful." She pauses and then adds, "especially when it's with someone like your best friend."

"She's clearly not my best friend," I lean my elbow on the arm rest and press my fist to my cheek.

"No," Margo shakes her head. "She's not."

"Look, I know you think I'm some heartbroken teen because of my asshole boyfriend and back stabbing best friend, but I'm not." I sit back up straight, "yeah sure, at first I was angry and sad over what happened, but I've moved on."

I've moved on from the cheating part.

"Do you ever still think about Mason?"

All the fucking time.

"Sometimes," I shrug.

"And what do you think about?"

The question makes me want to run away screaming. The only thing I can think about when it comes to Mason is all of the things he put me through. All of the things he did.

"I don't know," I shrug sheepishly, "just...stuff."

"Let's talk about it."

My eyes shoot up to her. Let's talk about it. I can't talk about it. If I talk about what he did, that makes it real.

"I..."

"It's okay, Marley." She says softly, giving me an encouraging nod. "This is what I'm here for. To help you. You don't have to live a miserable life."