Die with a smile

6

Hanni

Week three was working progress. But not so much on the progress. If I'm honest, maybe there will never be progress.

Minji and I kind of started on the bucket list I had proposed three weeks ago. Minji was reluctant on actually completing it. Dejection was crossed over her face as she looked down at the first thing she's written on the paper.

'Go to an aquarium with my wife for the first time♡'

Me and Minji have always been the stay at home couple, we liked to stay home and just spend quality time there. We only went out for our anniversaries and birthdays, and on Valentine's Day because it was always a big deal for Minji.

The only time we spent that much time away from home was when we took a week off to travel around the world.

I still remember Minji almost crying when she thought I didn't like the bouquet of beautiful roses she had gifted me. She was truly the sweetest and that same night she took me stargazing. I still remember that spark in her eyes as she looked at me. I'm her world and she's mine.

"That's all?" I asked her as she set her pen down. She looked up at me with a sad look. "Making this list, makes me realize just how much I never took you out like I should have." She said and I quickly made my way to her. Grabbing her face.

"That never mattered to me, you know that. We both liked to be home, because all that ever mattered was for us to be by each others sides." I said and Minji let out a sigh as she sunk herself into my touch, leaning towards me. "You're amazing, you know that?" She said and I let out a smile.

"I'm fabulous actually." I said and Minji smiled as she leaned in and kissed my lips softly. Pulling away to pinch my nose. "That you are." She said, wrapping her arms around me, letting me wrap my arms around her shoulders, bringing her closer to me.

"This sucks." Minji said, pulling away from me with that same old sad smile on her face. I miss seeing that gummy smile that made my heart beat out of my chest. Her eyes have been dull for so long and I miss the sparkle they once held.

Seeing Minji change was truly the most heartbreaking part. Where did my silly little bear go?

"What do you mean?" I asked and Minji let go of me, turning away from me. I went to her and wrapped my arms around her arm and laid my head on her shoulder. I really hated when her thoughts made her distant. Why couldn't they shut up and let me love her?

Why couldn't they be gone so that she could be at peace?

"I had so many plans with you this year." She said and I raised my eyebrow at her. "After being with each other for so long, don't you think it was time for us to take the step?" She asked and my heart dropped. Please, don't break my heart like this.

"Minji..." I looked up at her and she had tears in her eyes. "I wanted us to try and have a baby." She said and I shut my eyes hard. "And it sucks that I'm going to leave without ever being able to see or even hold our baby that we talked about for so long." I shook my head as I tried to get the painful thought out of my head.

I was already planning to drop the birth control I was on to surprise Minji one day, but look at the obstacle that was stopping us, stopping me from giving Minji that beautiful gift of a child. And I fucking hated it.

"I was already planning it, Minji. But we can't now." I said and Minji turned to look at me. "I was planning on dropping the birth control and just one day surprising you. But I can't even do that anymore because you're leaving." I said and Minji wrapped that arm I was holding around me.

"I still remember how much you wanted to have a baby, and I now regret being so strict about it. I should've let loose and gave us what we both were dying to have." I said and Minji kissed my temple. "Don't be hard on yourself for that, if you think about it, it's a good thing. I wouldn't want to leave you alone with our child." She said and I hugged her.

"Gosh, I really wanted to see a little you running around and making our head bursts because she would be just as chaotic as you." Minji said and I looked up at her with a soft smile. "That chaotic side would've been from you." I said and Minji laughed, for the first time in that past weeks.

And my ears were deprived of such sound.

I melted against her and she seemed to catch on as to why. She gave me a sympathetic look and crashed her lips over my own, kissing me passionately but softly. When she pulled away, I felt myself falling in love with her even more and that broke me.

"I really wish things weren't like this, Hanni. You deserve to be the happiest woman alive. And not stuck here with me in utter sadness until I break you in two the day I leave." She said and I shook my head at her. "Minji, it's my decision to stay here with you until the end." I said and Minji let out a sigh.

Knowing that we've been through this a thousand times, I'm not leaving. And that's my final decision.

"And what about after?"

I looked at her, she's never asked me this before so it caught me off guard. Her eyes didn't portray anything that would show that she's upset with the thought of me moving on. And I didn't like it.

"What about it? I'm sticking to your grave so don't even think of me ever moving on." There was this look in her eyes that tore my heart. "Don't. I want you to be happy, Hanni. You need to move on after me. I know I'm asking you to do something that's going to be hard for you, but I'm only thinking for your well being." She said and I pointed my finger at her.

"Don't you ever dare to ask me to do such thing ever again. I'm not going to move on from you and that's my fucking final decision." I said angrily. I know she didn't intend to hurt me with that, but it hurt regardless.

"Hanni, don't tie yourself to me for the rest of your life. Live. Live for me." She said and I could feel the tears forming in my eyes as I looked at her with agony. How could she ask of me such thing? "I'd prefer to die than to ever have to be with anyone else. They aren't you." I said and Minji looked away from me.

A little torn by her thoughts and my words.

"I fucking love you, Minji. And I always will. I'll never be at peace being with someone else, I don't even want to think of it. I'm staying tied to your grave for the rest of my life if I must." I said with a determined look as I walked past her, feeling the need to cool down.

"You deserve to be tied to love, not a grave stone."

I turned to look at her with tears. I shook my head. "I deserve to be tied to the love of my life. I'm not going to move on, and that's the end of this discussion. I don't want to ever hear about this again." I said, storming into our shared bedroom.

I held onto my chest as her words repeated inside my head.

There will never be someone else.

Just Minji.

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