Die with a smile

3

Hanni

The first week after hearing such heartbreaking and soul shattering news, was chaos. In the worst way possible. Two broken hearts couldn't function.

"Minji , can't we just talk about the meaning of all this?!" I asked in desperation as the love of my life was throwing daggers at me with those beautiful brown eyes that I've loved for so long. Those same eyes I've longed to look at me for the past few days.

"You've closed the doors to your thoughts and heart from me for a full week. I need you to talk to me, to look at me in the eyes and let me in." I said with tears in my eyes. I know that all of this was tearing her apart too but she can't expect me to just act like nothing! She's dying for god sakes!

She's going to leave me.

I'm going to be alone.

The day after the news Minji went into a full raging mode. She was desperate and I could see the fear in her eyes. I don't want her to die, she doesn't want to die. But there's nothing we could do, and I sound stupid for giving up so soon but everything within me was shattered beyond repair.

So many plans.

So many dreams.

So many promises.

So many visions.

Those are now all gone. They have no meaning the same way life has nothing to offer for me anymore. It's taking what I've loved for so long. What I've loved so deeply and what I've thought was my forever home and heaven.

Minji yelled at me to give her a sole second of peace, and that's what I did. But it was never meant for her to take it out on me. I tried to understand her but she was also hurting me. I was already going through it. Does she think that this doesn't hurt me? That I'm not suffering?

I'm scared! I fear loosing her so much and she seems to be blinded of that. And a full week of her ignoring me and treating me as if I was the cause of her heart failure, was enough for me to build up enough rage to explode and let everything inside of my chest out. I'm only a human being with mere emotions.

Which was what I was doing right now.

"I don't want to talk about it, Hanni. Drop it." Minji said through gritted teeth as she tried to walk past me but I held her arm tightly. "I'm your wife! Do you truly expect me to just drop it?" I asked as tears fell from my eyes.

You could say that the reality of all this wasn't setting in, to neither of us. Especially to her, she's in denial and I would be too because this isn't what anyone wants to experience. I know that she's going to die, but the reality of never seeing her again hasn't hit me, and I don't want it to. It's going to kill me.

"Yes, I just want you to drop it! It's hard for me, Hanni." Minji said and I made a motion with my head, begging for her to shut her anger and fear off for one second and look into my eyes and see me. Her Hanni.

"I've known you my whole life, Minji. If this is hard for you, it's hard for me too. Do you think I'm not hurting?" I asked through gritted teeth as my tears had no stop as they kept falling, almost as if a call to bring Minji into talking to me.

"You're not the one that's going to die!"

I understood. But she didn't understand me.

A week of having Minji sleeping on the couch because she just refuses to talk to me and give me a tiny piece of her. She was breaking me even more. I wasn't mad at her, I just wanted her to think with a rational mind for a second. To think beyond her fear.

We should be sitting on the couch, thinking through, forming new plans, preparing ourselves for what's to come. Not being so far away from each other, it's so cold like this.

"I'm suffering too!" I yelled.

"Don't you see the pain in my eyes? Hm? Don't you see how much all of this is tearing me apart? I'm going to loose you for god sakes! And it's something that I've feared for so long. I'm crashing out, I'm breaking apart and you're making everything so much worse. I just want you to talk to me and give me a piece of your thoughts. I don't want to be the only one breaking apart like this." Minji's eyes softened as she looked at me.

"I gave you a week of peace, Minji. But going to sleep in an empty bed not knowing if you'll be waking up tomorrow is killing me. You're killing me, Minji." The hold on her arm loosened as I started to break down. "I don't want this reality to settle in, I don't want to envision a single day without you by my side." I said as my head hung low, my chest once more pressing against my heart in such an aching manner.

It was hurting so much.

I felt as Minji wrapped her arms around me as I could hear her choked out sobs as she held me tightly. This is going to wreck with us so bad, and no one but us knows. And it's killing me to not be able to talk to anyone about this. To not let out the pain I feel in every inch of my being.

"I'm scared, I don't want to die. I don't want to become a star so soon. I fear of closing my eyes and never opening them again to see you next to me in the morning. I just want to run away from the reality that's chasing me down to no end. I don't want to accept that it's all going to be over so soon." Minji's voice trembled as she spoke and it tore me to pieces.

"I don't want to either, Minji. But I don't know how long I have with you. I want to be next to you for as long as I still can. You have to understand me. This is hard for us both, I don't know what to do either." I said and my heart squeezed hardly as Minji kept sobbing in the crook of my neck.

"The timer just started and the guilt of leaving you is coursing through my every vein, eating me up slowly until there's nothing left of me."

Those words had no right to hurt. They had no right to tear me the way they did. Hearing the word timer caused for my soul to break and to seek repair, but there was going to be none. Nothing was going to fix it back up.

"Stop. Don't remind me, Minji. Don't remind me that the seconds are being counted. That every single one of your heart beats are being numbered." I said as my hands went to her back. Gripping onto her so tightly as I broke down in her hold. The thought of never holding her like this was breaking my heart.

I grasped onto her even tighter than before as I inhaled her scent. The sense of panic coursing through me once more. The fear of loosing and never feeling Minji like this again was setting my mind and heart into an uncontrollable frenzy.

"Stay. Stay. Stay. Don't leave me, please. Please!"

A broken scream ripped through my throat as my heart kept breaking even more at the feel of her warmth that I was one day going to be without. I fell onto my knees as my hands tried to grip onto Minji for support who also tried to hold me the best she could but to no luck.

I was breaking apart with the world crumbling down all around me.

And nothing was going to get me back up.

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