Die with a smile

8

Hanni

Now, week five was a roller coaster.

A back and forth of internal feelings. Contemplations.

A week of only arguing with Minji over every little thing that we disagreed on. It was exhausting but we couldn't seem to stop. It was our only outlet to all the emotions that were deep within us.

The aftermath of her death was the one thing that we kept trying to get the other to understand. But it seemed that we'll never come to an agreement. We're two stubborn people deeply in love.

And we'll always be bound to crash into each other every time.

But it was out of love, no other reason.

"Minji, I talked to you about this. It's not going to happen." I said and she sighed. Why does she insist on me moving on? I don't want to. I don't want anyone else! Who else would ever love me the way she did? No one would, Minji loved me through every phase of my life. From the nerdy Hanni who thought she looked cool with grandma glasses, to the Hanni that would cry on her shoulder when school was eating her up alive.

There will never be anyone else.

"It just doesn't seem fair, I'm going to die, Hanni. And it's like leaving you with a void you can't escape from." She said and I threw her a glare. "And I don't care, I'm okay being alone. It'd feel like cheating on you after everything." I said and Minji seemed to be contemplating what she's going to say.

"Hanni, I want you to let go of me when the time comes. Set me free." I looked at her with disbelief, later turning into a glare as I gripped onto her shirt and pulled her closer to me. Tears coating my eyes.

"I've always been fucking selfish, Minji. You know that. So no, I'm not going to set you free. I'm going to keep holding onto you until I die, why? Because I'm selfish of you. I'm keeping you no matter what and I don't care about what you say or think. I'm. Not. Letting. You. Go." I said as I hit against her chest to prove my point and Minji looked at me with torn eyes.

"Hanni." I shook my head as I shoved her away. "Stop asking me to do these stuff, Minji. God, don't you see that you break me every time?" I said as a single tear fell from my eyes, Minji's eyes followed that sole tear as it grazed down my skin.

She fell silent, just staring at me. She reached out to hold my face in her warm hands. Making me look up at her, the look in her eyes almost unrecognizable. "I don't want you to be selfish of me anymore, for the sake of your own heart, let me go." She said and I shook my head.

"No, that's my final answer. It's always been my answer. So stop insisting with that shit because I know you'd be saying the same if it were I in your place." I said. Minji leaned in, placing her forehead against my own. My hands shot up to fist her shirt again. Trying to keep her as close as possible to me.

Our eyes connected, and as always. We could talk just by looking to at each other's eyes. Minji let out a sigh after she received the message. "I'm scared for you, Hanni." My eyes teared up once more as I looked at her. "I don't want you to do something stupid for still holding on to me, I want you to live, Hanni. Live your life at peace. Don't hold onto a grave stone without a soul." She said.

I pulled away from her. "It's hard knowing that I'm going to loose you, but letting you go? That'd kill me, Minji. You're taking every last bit of me with you, how will I move on like that? Tell me." Her eyes were always the open door to her feelings. She wanted me to let go, why?

All because she's selfless.

She wouldn't want to keep me away from what could possibly be a better life. But, she's my only life. And that's what she seems to not see. There is no better life for me if it isn't by her side.

"Hanni." I shushed her by placing my finger over her lips. "Don't. Stop torturing me like this. I'm already torn in half and you're insisting on breaking me even more. I'm not going to move on from you, get that in your head. More than ten years of us being in each other's life, and you expect me to just throw all of that away because you're leaving?" Minji looked away.

"I'll hold onto anything that keeps you alive in my heart and mind. So can we stop talking about this?" I said as I took a step away from her but she took a step forward, grabbing my arm and pulling me towards her.

"You know why I fell in love with you?" She suddenly asked and I shook my head. "Because of this." Her hand landed right above my heart. "It's always been the best thing about you, it's what I adored the most." She said. "Your heart has always been kind, kinder than what it should've ever been." She said, leaning down to kiss my lips.

"I know I'll never be able to convince you to let me go, your heart will never allow you to do such thing. But I just want you to do what you have to do for your sake." She said and her eyes were soft as she looked at me. "Sure, I hate the fucking idea of someone else holding you..." She took a deep breath before speaking.

"But it's best for them to hold you than for you to break apart, and no one to be there to hold you."

I held her face gently, already feeling my heart breaking at the thought of never touching her again. God, what have I done for you to punish me this way? I've always been good. I've done only good my whole life!

"I will never let anyone else hold me ever. If it's not you, it's no one. I'd prefer to fall and crumble down to pieces all alone." I said and Minji's eyes saddened. She grabbed my hands and placed them against her chest. A look of worry crossed her face and I looked at her confused.

"What do you feel, Hanni?" I felt something in me break at the sudden question. What do I feel? Everything but nothing at the same time. I don't think I would ever be able to put it in words. "Heartbreak. Hurt. Fear. Nothing? It's just all over the place, I don't know what to feel exactly, or what I should even be feeling. All I'm thinking about is you, you, and you. Nothing else crosses my mind. I feel numb." I said and Minji placed a gentle kiss on my cheek.

"I'm sorry about earlier, it's still a battlefield inside of my head of what will happen to you once I leave. I don't want you to be alone when the world caves in on you, or when your world collapses. You're a fragile woman, Hanni. Deep down, under that strong facade. You will always be that same girl I've always known, that needs someone to lean on when it gets hard. And I won't be there to hold you, comfort you, and keep you up on your two feet. I won't be able to console you like I always did. And I hate that." She said, finally giving me the reason of such insistence.

I tippy toed to kiss her softly, saying everything I needed to say without speaking. Minji kissed me back just as softly as if I was a fragile doll that could break with one wrong movement. And maybe I was.

I was one touch away from breaking apart.

-

VOTE AND COMMENT, PLEASE AND THANK YOU!