Die with a smile

4

Hanni

Week two was mere acceptance. Or so I thought.

"A bucket list?" At least everything went back to normal and we weren't so far away from each other anymore. And that eases me a bit, but not a lot. As in the back of my head I'm reminded that Minji is going to leave me. And I know that it's stuck in her mind.

"I feel that it's a little necessary." I murmured as I looked away from her. Minji was still a little off about things that reminded her of what was going to happen. And that's where her and acceptance don't co-exist.

"Oh." It was all she said as she looked down at the piece of paper I had set before her with 'Bucket List' written in bright big letters. "I don't know what to say." She said, scratching her chin. There was this distant look in her eyes once she looked back up at me.

Minji let out a sigh as she gently pushed the paper to the side. I guess I'd have to let it slide for now. I can't force her to try and do something she doesn't want at all. Maybe she doesn't find it necessary the same way I do.

Two days had gone by and Minji was acting even more off. A part of me hated not knowing if she was feeling pain or not. But once Minji stood at the frame of the door with a soft look in her eyes as she held the same exact paper she had pushed to the side, something in me shifted. For the better or the worst.

"I don't know how to feel about doing this, I want to do everything but nothing at the same time." She said, pushing away from the frame and making her way to me. I was sitting on the bed with a book in hand. All Minji does is push me away and pull me towards her indecisively. I don't even know how to feel anymore.

I don't feel part of her life anymore.

"I've also been thinking of something." She said, sitting on the edge of the bed. "I don't know what to do, okay? And this feeling of guilt is just killing me." She said, looking at me with such sad eyes. And it was making me fear of what she was going to say.

"I think...we should end it here."

My tears instantly formed as I looked at her in disbelief. "What?" I asked with a broken voice. "It seems better than creating this bucket list, you'll be far away by the time I leave. And it'll prevent all of this suffering." I shoved her with both my hands almost making her fall.

"What's wrong with you?!" I snapped as I looked at her with so much anger and sadness. "End it? Is it that easy for you? Is it easy to throw it all away?" I asked and she was looking up at me in surprise.

"What makes you think that ending it is the best way out of this? Ending it would only break me even more, it already kills me having you next to me and not knowing if you'll wake up again. But being far away from you? It feels that you're only thinking of yourself, Minji." I said.

"What else do you want me to think?! I don't want to fucking hurt you, Hanni! Look into my eyes and tell me that it won't hurt." She grabbed me by my shoulders and made me look at her. "Tell me!" But I couldn't lie. I couldn't tell her that it wouldn't hurt. Instead I wanted to scream out how much more it was going to break me.

"Exactly. I'm thinking of you!" She said and I shook my head as I was trying to get away from her hold. "You aren't thinking of me! You're thinking of how to get that guilt off you. You don't care about my feelings, Minji. You only want to make this easier for yourself!" I spat out shoving her away again.

"If you still love me the same way, you'd know that I wouldn't leave you. You'd know that I'd prefer to suffer by your side than let you suffer alone. Do you even know me anymore?" I asked and she seemed taken back.

"Because it really seems that you don't, Minji." I said through gritted teeth, as I tried to walk away from her. I couldn't do this anymore. Why wasn't Minji seeing this from my perspective?

All I want is for us to spend the remaining time together, to act like nothing and live our lives the best we can. Make memories together until her time comes, to hold her for as much as I can, look into her brown eyes and drown myself in them like I always did, to love her for the rest of my life.

But she isn't letting me.

"Hanni."

She called out for me and I stopped, turning to look at her with tears that were draining me. Whatever she was going to say didn't come out and I let out a sigh.

"I want to feel you, Minji. I want to be next you until that day comes. Why can't you see that? I'm putting in the effort but you aren't. You keep running away. No matter how much you run, you'll never escape it. It's hurting me, but I love you. I can't leave you alone. You're my other half, the same way I'm yours. But you saying to just end things like nothing, it makes me feel like I don't matter to you. Step in my shoes for one second, would you walk away if it was me?" I asked and Minji immediately shook her head.

"Exactly, the suffering wouldn't end. Even if I was half the globe away from you. That's not how it works, Minji." I said as I kneeled in front of her. Her brown eyes filled with tears, and I reached out to wipe the ones that have fallen.

"I want to be with you, I don't want to let you go through this alone. But you're not letting me. You're shutting off from me, you're having this push and pull and I don't know what to feel anymore. A part of me even thinks that you don't love me anymore." I said and Minji broke down in my hold.

"I want you to stay but I don't want to break you, I'm scared of everything and it's making me want to take such drastic decisions." She said and I hugged her. My fingers tangling themselves in the strands of her dark hair. "But I do love you. I just don't know what to do. It feels so selfish to keep you by my side when I know I'm bound to leave you. But then it doesn't feel right to let you go." She said.

"So don't let me go, Minji. Let me stay here in the sacred place of your heart. Let me be by your side until the last beat." Minji hugged me tightly, and something seemed to break even more. But at least, I knew that we would still be by each other's side until the end.

"Leaving you would be the last thing I'll ever do. It was never an option in my book, so don't let it be one in yours. You can kick me out but I'll be there outside waiting for you to let me back in. I'm not going anywhere." I said, realizing that Minji needed that reassurance more than anything else.

"Please, stay forever."

I cried as I held her tighter than before. Forever doesn't necessarily exist for us anymore. But I'm going to be here with her until it's all over. And I knew I was about to be going through hell, but I don't care. I'll go through it all for her. She deserved for me to stay by her side.

And a part of me even thought of leaving with her.

Even though it would never happen.

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