Die with a smile

9

Hanni

Week six...I didn't have words for it.

"Minji, wait." I said, slightly muffled by Minji's lips kissing my own. Refusing to let me go as my lips naturally followed the flow of her own. We both laid naked on our bed, where we made love to each other a million of times.

After last week, everything seemed to finally fall in to pace for us. We weren't arguing anymore, we were...just living. Well, at least one of us. Minji was...getting weaker. She tried to hide it, but being a paranoid like me really got you to see the simplest of stuff.

From the twitch of her eyebrow when she gets up, to the way her breathing waivers. I'm noticing every little change and it's all just tearing me apart. I wish I didn't notice because then it'll keep me at peace.

"Let's go eat, you haven't eaten." I said, trying to get out of the bed before Minji could get a hold of me. Making love was tiring, and I knew Minji was using her remaining strength to love me, and I hated it.

"Hey, I have something for you." Minji said and I stopped all my movements and turned to look at her, sitting back down on the bed. She reached for her nightstand, opening the drawer and pulling out an old style envelope. She handed it to me and my heart seemed to drop as I carefully took it between my fingers.

I looked at her and she smiled at me. "Open it." She encouraged and I looked back down at it, carefully opening it. I took out the piece of paper that had the drawing of an animated bunny on it.

"Read it." Minji said as she scooted closer to me. Her brown eyes narrowing down on the piece of paper, and I noticed that sad glint in her eyes. With hesitation, I opened the paper. Her hand writing almost covered the whole page.

I don't want to read it, I don't want to read it.

Dear Hanni,

I don't know if I'll ever give you this letter, or whatever it is. I'm quite literally terrified of you reading this! But in this, I'll say what I never had the courage to say to you.

I turned to look up at Minji who gestured me to start reading again and I was terrified of what I was about to read. Please, don't let it be something bad. I looked back down and continued reading.

We met when we were just kids, two beings with nothing weighing them down, or so one would think. You came into my life, changing it completely for the good. As you know, I had horrible parents and it was all awful. Life was just...complicated and unfair to me. But you made it better, so much better. You're the star that guided me through every moment of my life.

I know that you'll think that I'm just being kind and a fool in love. No, Hanni. You truly made it better. The moment you stepped into my life you held my hand, preventing me from falling down into my own doom. In my eyes, you're my savior. The girl that has kept me alive for so long.

You saved my life.

Not once, not twice, but always.

And it's finally time I confess, and no! I'm not cheating. Would never. You're the only one for me, the woman I'll be next to for the rest of my life. I'm about to be bounded to you for the rest of my life!

I looked up at Minji again. "When did you write this?" I asked and Minji looked at me with soft eyes. "The day before we got married." She said. I looked down at the paper again, continuing to read. With tears in my eyes, having a feeling of where this would seem to go.

At the time, we were just teens, your family had already taken me in and had already grown me for a couple of years. I had so much to be grateful for, I know. But...I wasn't happy then. Years of sadness before you and your family, reached me and tore me. I was suffering inside and made sure no one would ever know. Especially you.

I wanted to take my life away, I never thought I should've been alive and living a good life I didn't deserve. It almost didn't feel mine. In my head, I should've been dead. But all of that changed when I started to fall in love with you.

You were slowly changing my perspective of life, but those thoughts never went away. As much as I tried to hold you in my thoughts, the bad ones snatched you away from me.

The day I saw you cry because I was breaking down in your arms, it was like a halt for me, keeping me from crossing the line and ending my life. I felt so cared for and loved. I stood in my room that night, looking down at the gun your father owned. Contemplating everything. Even though it wasn't the first time to try such thing.

I let out a gasp as my eyes shot up to look at Minji. She didn't dare to look at me. How did she manage to keep all of that from me?! And for so long.

When I say you're my savior, I truly mean it. You were everything I was thinking of in that moment. The image of you crying and falling apart became of me, made me put that gun down. Though I was still tempted to, a mere mimic of your voice from the back of my head stopped me from ever grabbing that gun again.

'Don't do it, don't break me.' That voice repeated, over and over again. I remember tears after tears falling, I felt conflicted between staying and leaving. And then everything I felt for you, led me straight to you.

It was never a choice, but I chose you.

I ran to your room that night, scaring you to death. I hugged you tightly, scared to let you go. And ever since that night, I swore to never, never, leave you. Because I realized that I could find my own happiness, and that happiness was you.

It had always been you.

So when I say my vows tomorrow, know that I meant every single one of them. You're my everything, Hanni. My world. My savior. Though you'll probably never know you saved my life, thank you.

Thank you for making me stay.

Tears poured down my eyes as I looked at Minji again. Her eyes were filled with tears she didn't dare to let fall. "I hate it now, because I want to stay." She said, looking everywhere but at me that was breaking down right next to her.

"I might've brought this upon myself, and now life is deciding to teach me a lesson. Now that I value everything, I'm forced to let it go. I'm being forced to be let go of." She said, finally looking at me.

"And you can't save me this time."

I covered my mouth as I cried with no stop. Minji grabbed me and placed my head on her chest. The slow rate of her heartbeat could only break me even more. "Maybe I had a purpose all along, or maybe I didn't. But yours was definitely to keep me alive until life decided that it was enough." She said and I hit her chest softly.

Wanting her to stop talking. I didn't want to hear it anymore. I just wanted to erase such horrible image from my mind, to erase the feeling inside of my chest. I was her savior, her reason to stay.

Minji wouldn't even be here. She had given up so early on in her life and it truly broke me to know that. Minji deserved to live that good life she said she didn't deserve. She deserved so much more.

She deserved to stay.

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