Die with a smile

11

Hanni

Week eight, the last week.

How did I know? Easy.

Well, if it wasn't for the fact that Minji was tired beyond recharge. She was more dead than alive as she laid on our bed. Her skin was paler and cold to the touch. She was acting like a body without a trace of a soul

She was dying. She was reaching her final moments and I didn't know what to do or how to act.

And I could only watch her with tears streaming down my face. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to hug her, get far away from her, breakdown, pull myself apart. So much that I couldn't do at once! I wanted to disappear for a single moment and just escape from this diabolical reality I was in. I could only wipe those tears away.

I placed my warm hand over hers. Stirring her eyes to open and look at me. Her eyes were done, they were dead as they looked at me. And that truly tore my heart apart in so many ways. "How are you feeling? Is it time?" I asked and Minji shook her head.

"Not yet, I have to do one last thing." She said and I furrowed my eyebrows as she reached for her nightstand where she hid a paper. I watched as she grabbed it and took it out. Handing it to me.

I carefully grabbed it and opened it. My hand covering my mouth as I read what she had written.

'Watch the sunset for one last time with my wife♥︎'

I looked over at Minji and then at the clock, it was almost five, which meant that we still had an hour and some minutes to catch the sun hiding. "Where do you want to go?" I asked, trying to ignore the knot forming in my throat knowing that Minji was going to leave me soon.

I wasn't ready. Not at all.

"Beach, I want to swim for one last time before the sun goes down." She said as she tried to stand up on her own but her body betraying her as she fell back down on the bed with a thud. I went to her and checked up on her. She told me she was okay but clearly wasn't, who was she trying to lie to?

It hurt me to see her like this but I couldn't let her see that. I wrapped her arm around my shoulder and helped her to stand up. She felt so boney against me, I shut my eyes to just try and think of happy thoughts. I can't cry, I won't allow myself to.

I guided Minji over to our closet, so she can choose her final outfit. But she only picked a pair of shorts and a shirt that went along with it. I helped her put her clothes on. Leaving as soon as I placed her to sit down on the bed. Running away before I fell apart, with the excuse of getting some towels and extra clothes.

All of this reminded me of seeing the little Minji that her parents had abandoned. Even though she didn't say anything, I could see how scared she was. Her eyes kept getting glossy as she fidgeted with her fingers as I walked back into the room with towels in my hands.

I wish I could know what she was thinking of. Her eyes kept getting glossier as she stared down to the ground. "Anything else?" I asked as I reached for a bag that was conveniently by our bed, placing what we needed inside.

"Just you." She tried to joke and I couldn't help but smile at the effort, but sadden at how pained she looked for laughing. I stood in front of her and pulled her head to lay against my belly. "You're making me sadder." I said and Minji mumbled a little sorry.

I tangled my hand in her dark hair. Pulling her closer against me. I was trying to take advantage of the time I had left with her. To feel her skin to skin for the last few times. Minji's arms barely wrapped around my thighs.

"Come on, we don't want to miss that sunset." I said, trying to get away before I broke apart, but she wasn't letting me go. Something in my stomach seemed to turn with Minji kissing my belly. "Let's stay like this for a minute, just one." Minji said, resting her forehead on my stomach.

If only I was pregnant, if only Minji wasn't at the verge of dying. We could have a family forming by now. The simple thought tore my soul.

I took the opportunity to grab my phone and text my mom. Telling her that it was time for Minji to leave and that I needed her to go to the beach, in case I crash out and need someone to hold me while I loose my mind.

If my mom was panicked, she sure didn't let me know. Maybe it was for the best. She answered a quick 'okay' and left it at that. I looked down at Minji that was now looking up at me.

"You shouldn't have told them." She said and I reached down to hold her face. "They deserve to know too." I said and she let out a sigh as she closed her eyes. "I know, but I don't want them to cry. They don't deserve to cry over me." She said and I rubbed her cheek with my thumb gently.

"Sh. Don't say stuff like that." I scolded her and she only let out a hum. Not even a single bit of energy to try and fight back and say anything that'll break me. Which was good and bad s the same time.

I sunk down to my knees, causing her to open her eyes as she looked straight into my sad eyes. "Are you sure you want to go? I can hold you here." I said, gesturing to the bed and Minji shook her head. "One last special moment." Minji said with a soft smile that I returned.

"One last hour or two, maybe even three to make you happy and put a smile on that beautiful face I've adored for so long." Minji said reaching out to grab my face with her shaky hands.

"You can make me happy here." I insisted, trying to keep her alive for as long as I could. The more she wasted energy, the sooner her time is coming. "No, I can't leave while being here." She said.

Leaning in to kiss my lips softly. "This place would be your nightmare if I stay here." She said and I looked down. "Plus, you'll need it. The beach I mean." She said. "I'll be that sunset you watch after and I hope it brings you a smile." She said and I shook my head as I could feel tears forming in my eyes.

She says things so easily as if they didn't hurt. Her every words shattered my heart with ease, it's like a light feather being able to knock me down. "We should go." I said as I tried to stand up but Minji held my face more firmly. "Are you ready?" She asked and I immediately shook my head. Not being to leave to the beach, and especially not being ready to let her go.

"I was never going to be ready to watch you leave." I said and Minji pulled me in for a hug and that was enough for me to let the tears pour as I let her embrace me for the last time. Letting her warmth burn against my skin.

Minji kissed the side of my head repeatedly as she herself broke down. We held each other until our hearts finally calmed, until the tears dried on their own, until we both felt numb. Though that numbness was only temporary and all that pain would come crashing down on us once more.

But at least, I think I've reached the final stage of grieving her alive.

Acceptance.

-

TWO MORE CHAPTERS

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